Last week, my grandma started her first of 12 rounds of chemotherapy. After surviving 2008 and beating Stage IV colon cancer, her cancer came back in 2010. A small amount of cancer was found in her lung and she would have to endure chemo once again.
I remember what my grandma was like in 2008, especially towards the end of her fight. She morphed from my plump, squeezable grandmother to a frail, small woman who I was scared to hug too hard for fear I would break her. I remember the fear we all felt and the fear my grandma tried so well to keep hidden.
But then she beat the cancer and spent 2009 recuperating. She was healthy enough to go out to lunch with the family on Mother's Day, cook Thanksgiving dinner, and return to her normal self. She was feeling great, getting plenty of exercise, and baby-sitting her great-grandson a few days a week. Her energy level was high. She was back to being my grandma again.
And now I'm scared. I don't want her to return to that frail woman again. I don't want her to have to deal with the side effects of chemotherapy, the constant beeping of her pump during the nights she has poison racing through her body, the inability to drink anything but room-temperature water, the disappointment when her blood count is to low to go through chemotherapy for that week, the exhaustion so bad that turning over in bed seems like a chore.
I don't understand why she, out of everyone in my life, has to deal with this. Why does my grandma have to go through this pain? She's faithful. She's giving. She's sweet. She's everything I could ever ask for in a grandma, and in a woman. She doesn't deserve this. My grandma and grandpa are dealing with enough on their own. They have to deal with her cancer, too?
I have anger. I'm not directing it towards God because that's misplaced anger. If anything, God is the one we all need to lean on during this time. I guess I'm just angry at the situation. I don't think it's fair that she's the one who has cancer again. Life isn't fair and I know this. But I'm still upset about it.
It's been said that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. So I guess this is why my grandma has to deal with this again. She can handle it. She has the strongest faith of anyone I know. And she has an incredible husband by her side, someone who loves her so deeply. Out of everyone in our family, they are the two who could handle this the most.
So it's not fair. And I am angry that my grandma has to deal with chemotherapy again. I wish she was still healthy and was still baby-sitting my nephew. But she's not. She does have to deal with this. And our entire family will be by her side to support her and pray for her. She will endure this season and emerge victorious. She did it before, she'll do it again.
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I'm so sorry about your grandma. I don't blame you for questioning- it seems like cancer is something no one deserves, and certainly not more than once. I hope she'll beat this quick!
ReplyDeleteI hope your granny gets better...FAST! I'll be thinking of you and sending up a prayer for her.
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to have anger, completely natural when you are forced to see a loved one suffering. It's scary to be faced with mortality - because you know it's not just your grandma dealing with this, it's you and it's your whole family. You're really right - it doesn't seem fair. But take comfort in your faith, Steph! The God I believe in is one who understands that we will get angry and question why, why, why.
ReplyDeleteAs much as everything hurts, as difficult as it all is, there is an ultimate plan for everything and everyone. And you are strong, your family is strong, and no matter what happens, I bet that provides a lot of comfort to your grandma during this time. I hope she feels better and recovers very soon, and I'll be thinking of you :o)
I'm sorry about your grandmother. I will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers. Its ok to be angry. Sadly cancer doesnt discriminate and everyone is vulnerable. Lean on your family, your faith, and your friends during this time.
ReplyDeleteI'm so, so sorry your grandma has to go through this. "She morphed from my plump, squeezable grandmother to a frail, small woman who I was scared to hug too hard for fear I would break her" - exactly how I feel about mine right now. It's so sad and scary to watch our loved ones go through something they don't deserve one bit, but your grandma has done it before, and I'll pray she does it again. *Hugs*
ReplyDeleteAw, I'm sorry. We have a lot in common though - my grandmother had breast cancer a few years ago, beat it, and now she has bladder cancer. She's doing well though and is expected to make a full recovery but sheesh, TWICE? Two different kinds of cancer? And she wasn't in the best health to begin with so this has been really hard on her as well as us, her family. Anyway, I know what you're going through and how you feel. ::Sending warm wishes your way::
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about your granny. It's okay and understandable to feel anger. I'd be a little worried about you if you didn't feel scared and angry. I'll keep you, your family and granny in my thoughts
ReplyDeleteWhen my grandmother first got sick, I was so angry. She raised me, she was mom for all intent and purposes. I watched her fight, and ultimately lose a painful battle with COPD. I couldn't understand why... She was deeply religious, she went to church even when she could barely walk without her oxygen tank. I think losing her was the moment I lost my faith.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you have many more years with your grandmother, it sounds like you and her have a special bond... But if the worst should happen, I hope that you are stronger than I am, and don't let your angry come between you and Our Lord.
It's so unfair, the best people seem to suffer the most, and we never get to know the reason why. They say God has a plan for everything. I just wish he'd let us in on it.
I send my thoughts and best wishes to you and your wonderful grandmother.
I love your grandma so much and you're right, if anyone can do it, she can!
ReplyDeleteStephany I have tears in my eyes right now after reading this post. I know exactly how you feel. My grandma has been going through A LOT lately and it makes me mad and it makes me question things and most of all I keep wanting to scream, "WHY HER???" It's horrible.
ReplyDeleteIf you ever need to talk feel free to message me on FB.
This brought a few tears to my eyes, too. :( Not only do I feel for your grandma and your family, but I know how it feels to watch someone you love go through something so awful and so undeserving. My grandma passed away in 2000 from cancer (unfortunately, the doctors didn't catch it soon enough), and words really can't describe what it was like watching her go through so much pain. I was angry, sad, you name it. I'm at least glad that they found the new cancer soon enough and are able to treat her, and I wish her and your family the best in going through it again. She sounds like a strong woman, though, and if anyone can beat it, I think she can.
ReplyDeleteThis post is so real. Thanks for being so honest, I know as bloggers we are supposed to be, but sometimes people don't let it out this much. It's so natural to be angry in situations like this. My mamaw had throat cancer, and can still not eat properly. Sometimes I get angry that she can't, but yet she cooks for others and seems to even enjoy it. It stinks but it's really the truth that she can handle the situation. I'll be sending prayers your grandma's way. I hope she has a speedy recovery.
ReplyDeleteI felt the same way when my dad was diagnosed with cancer this year. I remember asking out loud, "Why him? Why my dad, who I love and who loves me and our family when there are so many men who are awful?" I think it's natural. I hope you and your family can find some peace in this time. Hang in there.
ReplyDelete"Consider it pure joy, my brothers [sister!], whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
ReplyDeleteJames 1:2-4
I know it's probably difficult to consider your grandmother's cancer "pure joy." I know I would have a really difficult time if that were happening to me. But God really does put difficult things in our lives so that they can be opportunities to grow in perseverance--the same way taking a really hard class or running a difficult race helps us grow (times like a million in intensity). Keep seeking God! If you are ever confused or hurt or frustrated or angry or joyful or anything, turn to Him first! Keep praying, and pray HARD. Keep reading His Word. Use this situation, no matter what happens, to glorify Him!
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord!
I am so sorry about your grandma, love. I felt the exact same way when my Dad was sick. Why him? My thoughts are with you. XO
ReplyDeleteI'm sorrty your grandma's sick again - that must be really hard. 2nd Peter kinda sheds some light on why we suffer. It's not necessarily good news but at the same time it puts some perspective on life, this life, here on earth. I'll pray for your grandma and I'm sure a lot of other people are as well and you know what they say about positive thinking. Stay strong.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel...I went through this same thing with my grandfather 3 years ago. I'll be praying for you and sending positive thoughts your way!
ReplyDeleteI think it's only naturally to question why something like cancer is thrown your way. I feel for you. My grandpa just went through his second open heart surgery in five years, and he's 80 yrs old. Thankfully, he's doing alright. He's one of the nicest people I've ever met, and it's hard to see him go through any kind of pain. We're truly blessed, and I'll be praying your grandma goes through chemo just as well.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it just doesn't seem fair, good people suffering while others...well.
ReplyDeleteYou WILL pull through.
I'm sorry. Cancer just sucks so much. But, your Grandma sounds like a very strong woman. Why bad things happen to good people is pretty much THE theological questions that trumps all others.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear about your grandma! I don't think I've known anyone in my family that has had it, but a lot of family friends have. There is a good friend of ours who's been battling with cancer for close to 10 years- she wasn't supposed to live through the last 7 but she's been fighting the whole time for her 3 children. It's crazy the amount of strength a person needs to get through that kind of ordeal. I have faith in your Grandma. My prayers are with her, and of course you & your family
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