On Being a Christian Single

I don’t fit in at church. Or at least I don’t feel like I do. I’ve attempted to join small groups, but have never felt fully comfortable and supported in those settings. I feel out of place. And I know 75% of it is me and my tendency to revert into my shell when forced into social settings, especially social settings involving cute boys who love Jesus. (Be still my heart.) I know I don’t put in the full effort, but sometimes I feel like it shouldn’t be this hard. I should be able to find my place in the church without it causing such a hassle on my heart.

The thing is, dating is hard. And it’s even harder when you’re a Christian. I’ve been told before that I shouldn’t have such high standards in seeking a partner, that being a Christian shouldn’t be so high on my list. To which I want to reply, who are you to tell me what to want in my future husband? I want a partner who is just as invested in his walk with Christ as I am, and I will not enter into a relationship where God is not at the center. This is non-negotiable for me.

But I do have high standards. Not only do I want a partner who is a Christian, I also want someone who embraces my idea of waiting for marriage to live together and have sex. It feels like such an archaic idea that nobody believes in anymore, even among the Christian sector. But this idea has been ingrained in me since I was a little girl. It was how I was taught to live and even as I grew older and began experimenting with other things and ways of living, I’ve always come back to this.

I went out on two dates with a guy who is not a Christian for the experience. To find out more about myself and my dating style. To give me confidence and assurance that I’m not going to be alone for the rest of my life. But I also learned that I need to seek out men who identify with my faith. I don’t want to date a bunch of frogs just because that’s what you’re “supposed” to do. I want my dating life to have purpose and meaning. I never wanted to be a casual dater and I don’t think I could ever do that. I take my dating life very seriously, because I want each potential first date to be filled with butterflies and excitement, wondering if I’m meeting my future husband for the first time.

My second date with the guy I mentioned last week went well. But that’s all it went. Well. I didn’t feel that spark or connection. I tried to be as open and charming as I could be, but there wasn’t this need to know more about him and a need to keep the date going for as long as possible. I went from Tuesday until Sunday before talking to him and even then it was a 5-minute conversation. We didn’t talk again until our date on Friday night. I didn’t miss him, didn’t wonder how he was doing. Maybe I’m being too much of a romantic, but I want more from dating. I want someone I can’t get enough of, especially in those first stages of dating.

What this experience showed me is what I want out of dating. I’m glad I put myself out there, even in this small way. It gave me a confidence boost and was exactly what I needed at this point in time. I’m pretty sure I will not be detailing all my date escapades on this blog, because that’s just not the direction I want to take this blog in.

But I do know that I have a lot to offer someone and the right guy will come along someday. I’m just not going to date a lot of frogs to get to him.

30DC: Week Four

Oh, religion. It’s one of my least favorite words in the English language. If there’s one thing I am, it is honest about my faith. I struggle with it and am not always consistent with my Bible study and prayer life.

Faith can get a real bad rap. Christians are touted as close-minded, gay haters, “anti-choicers”*, who can’t ever seem to get their stuff together. We’re wishy-washy and can’t see both sides of an issue. There are many Christians like this. But not all of us are.

Yes, I do believe abortion is wrong. I’m sorry, but you will never make me believe that the option of killing a human life is considered best.

I support gay marriage, which is definitely against what a lot of Christians believe in. But I believe everyone should have the right to marriage, even if they may happen to love someone of the same sex - even if that goes against the Bible.

I am one of the most open people you will meet, always willing to look at the other side of the issue, even if I still don’t believe in the other side. My dad used to call my mom “brain-warshed” (he was from Ohio), but I came to realize he was the one who was so close-minded. He could never look beyond a different issue, never see why we needed our faith. Faith to him was a cop-out.

And speaking of that, I hate that term. I feel like when I say things like “God has bigger plans for my life” and “God is preparing me for my future husband and he has our love story all planned out”, people think it’s a cop-out. That people think I don’t want control over my life, that I want to sit back and wait for God to move. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Instead, it means I have someone to lean on, someone to help me make decisions. Someone to guide me along the path that is perfect for me.

For me, faith is about believing in God. It’s about believing in His word and feasting on it. Learning more about Him. Being with Him. It’s about showing His love through your actions.

What are your thoughts on faith?

*I hate that term with such a passion, it’s not even funny. Can I call people who are pro-choice, anti-lifers? Sigh.

On Jeremiah 29:11

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to PROSPER you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE.’” Jeremiah 29:11

This verse was written on a “Plus One” (anyone remember them?) poster in my room when I was in middle school. It’s one of the more well-known verses and quoted frequently. And it’s one I’ve always loved, but never felt the impact of. Three words: prosper, hope, future. They speak life into me. They remind me that God already knows my future. As much worry and anxiety I place on job hunting, the reality is that I need to release it. Because God has my plans perfectly carved out.

I asked Him one thing: “God, if this isn’t the job you have for me, please shut the door firmly in my face. In fact, please make me hate the position so it’s not a devastating blow if I don’t get it.”

I’m here to tell you that God still answers prayers. Because he did turn this position I thought would be wonderful into something I would never in my life want to do. (Sales. Door-to-door selling. While some people will flourish in that role, like the girl I shadowed did, I know it’s not the place for me.)

What Monday taught me was what I want in a job. Other than the normal things like being challenged, job security, and feeling part of a team, I finally have some ideas of what kind of job I want. Lately, I’ve just been telling people, “Oh, whatever! I just need some job experience so whoever’s willing to hire me!”

Actually, there’s more to what I want from a job than that. I know twenty-somethings have gotten a bad rap lately about switching jobs so much and never quite being satisfied with where they are, but I’m not going to apologize for wanting to feel fulfilled in my job. I worked my butt off for my Bachelor’s degree and I want to use it! I want to feel challenged in what I do, but I don’t want to be miserable waking up every day.

While my job at the preschool isn’t ideal and there are things that drive me crazy about it, I don’t dread going to work. Of course, I don’t jump out of bed, saying, “YAY, WORK!” but who does? For right now, it’s a job that I (usually) enjoy. I want the same out of my future career.

While the first job I get will probably not be the place I’m at even 10 years from now, it will be the starting point of my professional life. I want a job where I will use this degree I put so much work into and constantly be pushed to do more. I want a job where I use my writing skills on a daily basis, because a job where I don’t write isn’t the place for me. I want a job where my skills with social media, branding, and customer service are showcased and fine-tuned. I want a job where I feel comfortable sharing my opinion. I want a job where people work hard and play hard. I want a job where I feel proud of the work I do.

It seems like a lot to ask for, doesn’t it? And sure, maybe I can’t have everything I want. But I do know what my strengths are and I want to build on those strengths.

While I was pretty lucky to score a second-round interview on only my fourth job application, I know it may take a while for me to actually find a job. But I also know I have a lot to offer a company and I’m going to keep applying to those job that fit me until I get that magical call. Because it’ll happen. Jeremiah 29:11 makes it so.

You're Not Enough For Me

The last time I posted about my faith was August 11. Almost two months ago. And since I'm not one to sugarcoat things, especially in regards to faith and spirituality, let's just say I seem to have "broken up" with God these past few months. While I have prayed my heart out during my mom's ER visit, my ER visit, and my grandma's cancer results, I'm becoming That Girl. The Girl Who Prays When Things Are Bad, But Forget About God When Things Are Good. (And doesn't that label just fall off your tongue?)

Things haven't been great. I've been "too busy" for quiet time, "too busy" to pray, "too busy" to really spend time with my Heavenly Father. I've been to church once in two months. My Bible is collecting dust and I haven't even opened my devotional book since late June.

I've been reading a book that has really opened my eyes to Jesus and what I mean to Him. In the story, the author personifies Jesus, making Him into a living, breathing human who is on a mission to show the heroine how much He cares for her. At first I was turned off by the personification, but I'm growing to love it. I feel as if I'm learning so much about God through this story, much more than I ever have before. In one instance, He tells her to come to a church at a specific time. So she goes, but is so annoyed by the rain and being inconvenienced that she left after giving Jesus a piece of her mind. The next day, she confronts Him about it and he says, "Yes, that didn't go according to My plan." This line threw me for a loop. How many times do I let my own free will tear me away from Jesus' plan for my life? How many times has God put me in the spot I need to be in at that very moment, but I let annoyances or circumstances lead me onto the wrong path?

I'm not following God right now. I'm buying into what the world is offering me. I'm letting it dictate my emotions and my worth. I'm finding solace and strength from social media and entertainment and not from the abiding grace of my Father. In a sense, I'm telling Jesus that He's not enough for me right now. He's not good enough for me. I need more than what He can offer. And how crazy does that sound? God can give me so much more than I need, so much more than I could ever hope for, so much more than I could ever expect. He can fulfill my every need. But I'm not letting Him. I'm hiding myself away, holding on tight to my heart so nobody can get near it to tarnish it. But my heart? It's broken, it's bruised, it's beating to a slow beat. It needs the hands of the Greatest Artist to turn it over in His hands, wipe it off, and make it whole again.

Maybe I'm a slow learner. Maybe I need to make a few mistakes before I recognize the truth that is staring me in the face. God loves me. God cares about me. And God wants to be a part of my life. He wants to be a part of the joy and happiness, as well as the sadness and anger. He wants to clean up this mess I'm making of my life and turn it around. All I have to do is release this intense grip I have on my own life.

On Why I'm Choosing to Wait

I was recently personally attacked by someone I care deeply about on my decision to wait until I was married to live with my spouse and have sex with them. While I do feel like this is an unusual choice this day and age (even amongst the Christian sector), I don't understand why someone would get offended by my choice.

This is my personal decision. I'm not saying that I think everyone has to live this way, or that you're a bad person by living with your girlfriend or boyfriend before marriage. In fact, I am envious that you have found someone you love so much, you want to be with them 24/7. Finding love is not always easy, and staying in love can be even harder.

I don't believe that you don't truly know someone before you live with them. While yes, living with someone is completely different than going on dates or sharing a hotel room for a weekend, all you are learning is surface things. You're learning how they are a neat freak or OCD about keeping lights turned off when a room isn't being used. You're learning that they keep their toothbrush by the sink, instead of hanging in the specified toothbrush holder. You learn that they don't think making their bed or keeping up with the laundry is their top priority, but making sure every bill is paid on time. You learn that they like the snooze button in the morning or jump right out of bed. You learn if your partner is a morning person or a night person. Learning these things shouldn't make you fall out of love with your spouse. If it does, your love probably wasn't strong enough to begin with.

I think there's something to be said about having a romantic relationship where sex and kissing isn't the center of the relationship. You learn how to be a friend first, a lover second. You learn how to be romantic without a kiss. You get to know the person's heart in a deeper, more intimate fashion. In some ways, knowing a person's heart can be more intimate and require more trust than the physical aspect of love.

I'm waiting for my wedding day to share my first kiss with my future husband. I'm waiting for my wedding night to give him my virginity. And I will wait until we are one to share a home with him. It's a personal decision, something I have thought long and hard about. It feels right to me. Choosing to live with your girlfriend or boyfriend before marriage doesn't make you a bad person in my eyes. It just means you are choosing a different path to your love story.

When God Writes Your Love Story

I was in high school when the book I Kissed Dating Good-Bye by Joshua Harris. I was at a point in my life where I was confused about faith and more interested in worldly ideals than ones centered around God. I was boy crazy and wanted to date boys the way everyone else was! Not dating? How do you even find your life partner that way? What a crazy way to think!

But my dating life never seemed to quite pan out the way it does in books and movies. I had crushes but was too shy to do anything about them. For the most part, even talking to a guy was hard for me, much less someone I found attractive. I remained single for most of high school, save for a short relationship that really wasn't much of a relationship at all.

All along, I think I had a longing in me for a different type of love story. A love story you don't find in modern romance novels or chick flicks. One where the guy is handsome and chivalrous and finds me completely delightful, foibles and all. A story about courtship, not dating. This is when I realized I should've been born in the 1800's because it's nearly impossible to find a love story like that anymore.

Nowadays we're more concerned with someone we're completely compatible with, inside the bed and out. We want sex, excitement, and intrigue. Who cares if he opens the door for you, as long as he's carrying a condom in his wallet? We go to bars and sign up for dating services to find Mr. Right Now. And when we do end up biting the bullet and getting married, we spend more time trashing our husbands and talking down about them than we do actually enjoying the moment. It just sickens me when I hear the way some wives and husbands talk about their mates. Don't they realize what a precious gift they've been given, a gift of love?

I know all relationships have their struggles and I'm not naive to believe that when I do find Mr. Right, he's going to be a perfect specimen of man who can do no wrong, cooks me dinner every night, and we never have a fight. I can be a very confrontational person when I feel like it. I can be moody and restless. I'm not always the easiest person to live with. But I've got to believe there's more to love than what I'm seeing. I have to. Otherwise, I'll be content to stay single forever.

A while ago, I placed my love story in the hands of my Heavenly Father. I let go of the pen, let go of all the things I think I want, and gave it up to the One who is going to carve out a love story unlike any other. It's a relief to think that I don't have to do all the work. I don't have to join a dating site or track down every handsome guy I meet for their number. I'm going to let God have his way with this.

I know it's not the most popular way to think and sometimes, it may seem a little kooky and outdated. But I'm not one for going with the popular vote. (I mean, I like Obama!) I want to eek out everything I can get out of love, not limiting myself to what the world thinks I need. To some, I may look like a train wreck. I'm not dating, have never had an active dating life, and don't see fit to immerse myself in that culture. I may be 35 before I meet him, but when I do, the love story will be so amazing, it's going to bring tears to even the most hard of hearts. I believe that.

I'm currently reading a book by the amazing husband-wife team of Eric and Leslie Ludy. Leslie's book Authentic Beauty changed my life. I read it at the lowest point of my life where I was grasping onto God's hand just to get me through the day. The book is about extreme Christianity and how awesome our love story with God can be, if we just give in to it. I'm not totally sold on everything in this book, mainly because it gets very extreme at times. But still, it's a great book and a completely different perspective on our relationship with God. After reading Authentic Beauty, I read When Dreams Come True: A Love Story Only God Could Write which was my first foray in what a God-written love story looks like. Believe me, their story is amazing and this book completely transformed my thinking in what a relationship has to look like.

Back to the book I'm reading now, which is When God Writes Your Love Story. I'm only a few chapters in but the book has captivated my heart. It is classic Ludy-style, written in a way that grabs your attention quickly and keeps it for the duration. It makes me feel a little less kooky about the way I have chosen to go about finding my future husband. I feel a kindred spirit with them, as if somehow I've already become a part of their family. (In a strictly non-stalker type of way.)

I plan on blogging while I read through this book, something I wish I had done while reading Authentic Beauty. I know it's going to change the way I view God and romance.

I don't know if I can ever fully convey the awesome wonder of what it was like to have a God-written love story. During my entire romance with Eric, I was so aware of the fact that it was God who was leading each step, guiding each conversation, painting each sunset, and standing over us with a smile. The cheap, imitation romance I'd known before simply could not be compared to this new kind of love I had discovered. I was daily amazed that I had come from a place of heartbreak, confusion, and compromise in relationships, to a dream come true. I had discovered a kind of divine love that can't even be found in fairy tales, simply by giving God the pen of my life's story and allowing Him to write each chapter. --Leslie Ludy, When God Writes Your Love Story

Finances, Faith, and Health

A little more than 6 months ago, I sat down at my computer and came up with a list of resolutions for the New Year. I've never been big on setting resolutions since I know they're scoffed at and never accomplished. By the third week of January, you fall back onto your old habits and forget what you even said you wanted to do.

The first year I ever really sat down, thought it through, and came up with a list of resolutions for the new year, was in 2009. I came up with the cute idea of "9 Resolutions for 2009". Unfortunately, I didn't achieve any of the resolutions I came up with. Last year was a pretty mediocre year for me and I really tried to focus on areas of my life that I felt the most out of control with, and what I needed to do to fix them.

Area #1: Finances
I have three credit card bills. Credit limits on them are: $300, $500, and $2,500. The credit card with the largest limit, we'll call it PIMA, I haven't paid for in a good 6 months. My minimum payment is through the roof, I owe more than $2,500, and it's sitting in a collection agency. This is never a scenario I thought I would be in. Ever. My parents dealt with the same money problems and I always swore I would never be like them. For now, though, PIMA is a credit card I pretend I don't have.

The other two are much more manageable. I'm working on paying off the lowest one first but I should probably tell you that this credit card is from Target. Meaning I can go into Target and be all, "I HAVE FREE MONEY! WOOHOO!" I mean, you all know how tough it is not to spend over $50 at Target when you don't have a credit card...imagine having a credit card to be used solely at Target. Earlier this year, I had my balance about $100 away from being paid off. And then I used it. I have a little less than $200 until it's paid off, but it probably won't get paid off until September at the earliest. Once I do get this paid off, I'm cutting it up and getting rid of it for good. It's really a useless credit card and charges an insane finance charge.

My middle credit card was the one I received from my bank when I opened at checking account in May 2006. Up until this past year, I've been good about using it and then paying off the balance the next month. And then things got a little crazy with me being out of work for 6 months in 2008 and I'm still hovering just about the maxed-out zone. I want to get this one back up to it's $500 balance and this is the only credit card, once I pay off PIMA, that I want to keep. The balance is one where I can't go crazy and rack up thousands of dollars, plus it has a lot more incentive to keep than do Target/PIMA. I'm hoping to have this one taken care of by the end of the year.

Area #2: Faith
I've had long and detailed blog posts, discussing this portion of my life. Suffice it to say, I'm a lazy Christian. I have faith, I know what I believe in, but I don't put forth the effort in the relationship. I just meander along, attending church and reading my Bible once a month but that's about it. I don't pray (unless I have to), I don't have a consistent Bible study life, and I don't do anything to grow my faith.

I also think I'm suffering from the Perfect Christian Syndrome, where I want every area of my faith walk to be perfect. I want to be totally involved in the World, totally involved in church, and totally head-over-heels for God. I need to slow down, remind myself that I am human, and focus on the little things.

Area #3: Health
Here's the part where I roll my eyes, bang my head against the desk, and whine that "fat is in." While I have great weeks where the pounds seem to be flying off, my clothes feel amazing on my body, and I have no temptation whatever...lately it seems to be one temptation after the other. I've gained about 4 pounds in the past 2 weeks. I'm giving myself headaches because I'm thinking so hard about not giving into the temptations to where I just say "Screw it" and eat the junk.

I've come to realize how dependent I am upon Weight Watchers. The weeks where there's no meeting scheduled due to holidays, I fall apart. I try to be good, but then I realize there's no weigh-in so it's a free-for-all. (And by the way, be good? Why do I call it being good? Shouldn't being good be normal for me?!) I was thinking of stopping WW and trying to do it on my own and be motivated by my own accomplishments, not because Phil's going to weigh me in on Sunday morning and I do not want to hear, "You're up a little this week," one more time. But after a pretty bad day of eating junk, I know I need WW. If it keeps me healthy, then it's worth it.

I realize my blog seems to be turning into some sort of goal journal where I just write down what I want to accomplish in the next 30 days or whatever time frame I give it. I was hesitant to write this post because it seems to be repetitive of the last few weeks. But I did it because I'm done with setting goals I have no intention of achieving. I need to focus on these three areas first, making small changes that lead to bigger ones, before I can figure out other parts of my life.

So here we go: I'm going to write down 3 goals, each relating to the 3 areas, with no time frame giving for completing them. I'm just going to keep these goals in mind and I won't set a new one until I have either achieved the goal or feel as if I did.

Area #1: Finance
I want to pay off my Target credit card. When this is paid off, I will focus on setting a new goal in this area. For now, my only focus is Target.

Area #2: Faith
I want to have a consistent Bible study time. Even though I know there are other areas I need to work on, for now I want to just focus on getting in 15-20 minutes a day with God. Once I feel that this is a natural part of my day, I can focus on other goals.

Area #3: Health
I want to be a consistent exercise-r. Those weeks where I just completely fall off the wagon, I seem to find it easy to fall off the exercise wagon as well. I want to exercise 5 days a week for at least an hour, even on those weeks where I know I'm going to gain weight on the scale. This is a health journey, not a weight loss journey. I need to remember that.

Who knows when I'll update again?! I promise to wait awhile before I talk about my goals again. I want to have at least accomplished one of these before I set new ones. The first goal will be easy to know when I accomplished it, but the other two will take a lot of self-awareness on my end to know when I feel I've formed these habits.

The bottom line is, these are the goals I'm setting for myself with no timeline in place. I think it will do wonders for my happiness and well-being if I can achieve them and form habits from them.

What are your thoughts on goals? Do you set them and tell the world (like I obviously do)? Do you keep them to yourself? Do you think goals are overrated?

Fast

When I was in 7th grade, my entire church went on a fast. I was only thirteen, but I decided to take on the challenge. I'm going to be totally honest, I didn't go into the fast in the right frame of mind. I didn't go into it to grow closer to God and become a stronger Christian. I was a chubby middle-schooler! I went into it to lose some weight.

By 5 p.m., with only a carton of orange juice in my belly, I crashed. I was not the type to nap but that's what I was doing when my mom got home from work. I was weak, shaky, and just totally out of it. My mom talked to me about it and mentioned giving something else up. I ended up giving up on the fast but it's never been very far from my mind.

Media fasting is an idea that I heard about probably a year or so ago. I don't remember where I first heard about it but it really appealed to me. I am so attached to technology. I check Twitter multiple times an hour. I love the blogging community so much that I feel an express need to catch up on blogs daily. And writing blogs is something that brings me so much joy and happiness. I love TV. While I don't watch too many hours of TV a day, I still have a lot of shows I do watch. (And love.) And, honestly, who could deny loving Facebook drama? My attention is pulled in so many different directions. My focus shifts constantly. It cuts into my quiet time with God, my prayer life, and quality time with family.

I've been feeling so stagnant and dull in my life lately. While I'm taking on challenges, achieving some great things, and being totally honest with my feelings, I still feel like I'm not doing enough with my life. I feel like I could do so much more, but I'm so scared to take a leap of faith and do it.

So I took a week off from the media world. It wasn't a true media fast since I still did watch TV (although no more than I usually did) and did spend some time on the computer. I stayed away from all social media and blogging. When I was on the computer, it was mostly for school.

At first, it was weird. When I woke up on Monday morning, I immediately reached for my phone to check what happened on Twitter while I was sleeping. And then I remembered. Media fast, media fast, media fast. And honestly, being off Twitter/Facebook/blogs/etc. wasn't as awful as I first thought. I missed it at certain times but not as much as I thought it would. I felt so much more focused. There was a certain peace that came from being away from it all. I didn't feel a need to check Twitter just in case I missed something important. I didn't care what drama was going down on Facebook. And while I began to severely miss my blogging friends and reading about your lives, it felt good not to have a need to read every single word you wrote and analyzing whatever lame comment I happened to leave.

During my fast, I finally established some quiet time with God. I sat down and wrote out a five-year plan, as well as smaller yearly goals to accomplish. I figured out our finances and why we still seem to be struggling, even after downsizing. I worked out a lot. I napped a lot. I was calm, peaceful, and happy. (But not so happy that I didn't miss YOU guys!)

I loved doing this. I loved it so much that I want to start doing monthly weekend fasts. And I want these to be true fasts where I completely step away from the Internet and TV. I want to use the time to be engrossed in the Word, praying, and strengthening my relationship with God.

Even if you don't have the same goals as me, I still encourage taking a break from the Internet, even if it's just for a few hours or a day. Just to get away from it all and refocus your attention. It doesn't have to be about faith. In the end, this fast was good for me as an individual. I really feel like it brought me from stagnation to hope. I have goals for the future. I have plans on how to achieve those goals. (And I also have a hot new 'do that's getting some rave reviews!)

Trust

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It should come as no shock that I have a hard time trusting people. I think it all boils down to the age-old nature vs. nurture debate. In reality, I know it’s just my nature to be this way. I’m a very cautious person and I’m not a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve. And I think my relationship with my dad and subsequent males has nurtured me to be even more cautious about what I share and to whom.

I don’t give my heart out easily. I have walls erected around this small, beating heart of mine that are higher than most people care to reach. I haven’t met too many people in my life willing to break them down. In fact, I find it pretty amazing that I’ve been able to share as much of my life with my co-worker, Stephani, as I have. She doesn’t know the nuts and bolts of everything I deal with but she knows a lot. The fact that she even knows about my dad is a big step in the right direction.

I’m just not the type to speak freely about my past experiences and my life. I’m very cautious about what I give away to other people. It takes a long, long time for me to talk to anyone about my life. Most people don’t know I have a terrible relationship with my father, or how much I struggle with sin. They don’t know how vast my love of football is or what ticks me off. I keep everything locked up so tightly inside of me. It begs to be let out but I can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t put myself out there and let people know the real me. The real me is completely different than the person I appear to be. She doesn’t cover everything up with a joke. She has scary questions about her faith that never seemed to be answered in the Good Book. She has no self-esteem and struggles daily with thinking she’s never going to be good enough.

The thing is, God knows the real me. He knows exactly the girl I’m portraying to be and the girl that I really am. He knocks at my heart-door every single day, just waiting for me to take a chance on Him. But I’m scared. I am so scared of what putting my whole trust in Him will do to me. I’m so scared of how He will change me. I’m scared of not wanting to be this girl anymore. I’m scared that the plans I have for myself look nothing like the majestic plans He has created for me.

How does a girl with so many complex daddy issues like me put her trust in a God like Him? He becomes another father figure to me, although He is the Ultimate Father Figure. He promises to not let me down, yet I’ve never known a time in my life where a man hasn’t let me down. He promises to love me unconditionally, yet I’ve only felt the conditional love from males. He promises to always be there for me, yet I’ve never known a man to keep his promises.

I know God is vastly different from mortal men. But until you struggle with the father issues that I’ve dealt with, it’s really hard to understand where this trust issue comes from. Even those who haven’t had a father figure. Sometimes I just wish my dad had left me when I was younger. I wouldn’t have had to deal with his daily berating of me, or his anger, or even the good times when I got a glimpse of what a good father is supposed to look like.

I want to put my trust in God. I want Him to have my heart. I want to know Him better and fall deeply in love with the Savior who died for me. I’m just at a loss of how to do that.

Why MY Grandma?

Last week, my grandma started her first of 12 rounds of chemotherapy. After surviving 2008 and beating Stage IV colon cancer, her cancer came back in 2010. A small amount of cancer was found in her lung and she would have to endure chemo once again.

I remember what my grandma was like in 2008, especially towards the end of her fight. She morphed from my plump, squeezable grandmother to a frail, small woman who I was scared to hug too hard for fear I would break her. I remember the fear we all felt and the fear my grandma tried so well to keep hidden.

But then she beat the cancer and spent 2009 recuperating. She was healthy enough to go out to lunch with the family on Mother's Day, cook Thanksgiving dinner, and return to her normal self. She was feeling great, getting plenty of exercise, and baby-sitting her great-grandson a few days a week. Her energy level was high. She was back to being my grandma again.

And now I'm scared. I don't want her to return to that frail woman again. I don't want her to have to deal with the side effects of chemotherapy, the constant beeping of her pump during the nights she has poison racing through her body, the inability to drink anything but room-temperature water, the disappointment when her blood count is to low to go through chemotherapy for that week, the exhaustion so bad that turning over in bed seems like a chore.

I don't understand why she, out of everyone in my life, has to deal with this. Why does my grandma have to go through this pain? She's faithful. She's giving. She's sweet. She's everything I could ever ask for in a grandma, and in a woman. She doesn't deserve this. My grandma and grandpa are dealing with enough on their own. They have to deal with her cancer, too?

I have anger. I'm not directing it towards God because that's misplaced anger. If anything, God is the one we all need to lean on during this time. I guess I'm just angry at the situation. I don't think it's fair that she's the one who has cancer again. Life isn't fair and I know this. But I'm still upset about it.

It's been said that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. So I guess this is why my grandma has to deal with this again. She can handle it. She has the strongest faith of anyone I know. And she has an incredible husband by her side, someone who loves her so deeply. Out of everyone in our family, they are the two who could handle this the most.

So it's not fair. And I am angry that my grandma has to deal with chemotherapy again. I wish she was still healthy and was still baby-sitting my nephew. But she's not. She does have to deal with this. And our entire family will be by her side to support her and pray for her. She will endure this season and emerge victorious. She did it before, she'll do it again.

"I'm Praying For You."

Well, not really.

See, my prayer life has been non-existent for, oh, the last 6 months? Or maybe even longer. Except for those quick, "Oh, please Jesus, let me make it to class on time," I don't send many prayers up towards Heaven these days.

I have this real problem with gullibility and it makes me question everything I believe about my faith. Which I think is good, in a way. I don't think we should ever get too comfortable in our faith and I also think we need to have a reason why we believe what we do. It's not enough for me to say, "Jesus died on the cross for my sins." I want to dig deeper into my faith and know why this is true.

But when I read the Bible, it seems all my questions and doubts make their nasty way into my head where I can't even read a simple Proverb without questioning it's rightness. And I do believe the Bible is the ultimate truth and nobody will ever tell me different. (So don't even try.) But it's been tough going with my faith lately.

I know I need to start searching for answers and I am desperately seeking a mentor who can guide me through the Bible and all it's nuances. And I desperately need to rebuild my relationship with Jesus. Because as much as He's pursuing me and looking after me, I keep turning the other way.

Which brings me back to my first point. I noticed in the past months, I was telling other people whenever they were facing some sort of hardship that I was praying for them. And I'm not. I hate being this honest but I'm hoping this blog post will be cathartic in some way to me, which is why I'm writing it. Whenever someone tells me, they're praying for me, it lifts my spirits. It bolsters me and I hate, hate, hate that I would do that to someone and not pray for them.

So I've stopped saying it. I can't lie anymore and tell you I'm praying for you, no matter how perfect it seems to fit in the moment. And maybe a lot of you aren't as naive as I am. Maybe when you hear someone tell you that they're praying for you, you just smile but don't sink deep into the meaning of their words. But I can't do it anymore. I can't say I'll do something as important as praying and not do it. It seems so incredibly wrong to me.

I am working on my relationship with Jesus. It's slow going, mostly on my part. But I have started a prayer list and I do want to start intently praying for people who need it. Even if they don't believe in it, I want to pray for them. So I wrote this blog and I'm a little nervous about the comments I'll get. But I had to write it. I had to write down my feelings and put it all out there.

Praying for you? I will.

On Purity

I've stuggled with writing this blog post and this is probably the third or fourth time I've tried to write this. But after reading two blog posts related, in a way, to this on Steph's blog, I really felt God laying this on my heart.

I don't want this to come off as judgmental to anyone who doesn't agree with my views. If you don't, that's alright. But this is what I believe about what purity is - and what purity isn't.

Purity isn't saving your virginity for marriage. That's a personal decision. And plenty of people make this decision, based on morals, religion, and choice. I feel that saving oneself for marriage has become a game for some people. A game of how far can I go to do everything but lose my virginity?

That's not purity.

Purity involves more than just the physical body. It involves the emotions and mental processes as well. What you put in your mind is probably the most important aspect of purity, more so than what you do with your body. I have seen this so much in my own life. When I read secular novels glorifying casual sex and worldly possessions, watch television shows and movies with racy humor, and listen to music with messages of one-night stands and partying, it becomes so much harder for me to remain pure. I stop reading my Bible as much, rely on myself more than God, and my mind begins to accept these actions as OK.

And it's not.

Purity means being pure in body, mind, and spirit. It's not an easy process and not something I have mastered. But I have found that to be pure, we have to live pure. It means getting rid of books and music and TV shows that glorify impure behavior. It means to set ourselves apart from the world. It means to stop compromising and looking for gray areas.

I'm so sick of living a mediocre life. And I don't want to have a mediocre relationship with God. All too often, I see people (and I'm also guilty for doing the same) putting God in a box and not fully living the free life He designed for us. We don't realize how much more God desires for us. I want to be a girl who lives my life solely for God's approval and not for the world's. I want to be a girl whose life shines with Christ's light. I want to be the girl who has "it" - and I want that "it" to be Jesus Christ.