Today is Christmas Eve. I can’t help but think about you during special days like these and wonder how many more Christmas Eve’s I will spend without you in my life. Will this be the last? Or a continuation of many? Only God knows.
Christmas Eve isn’t a tradition-heavy day in my house. We save it all up for Christmas Day. Christmas Eve is spent in anxious excitement and anticipation, while we await Christmas morning. No Christmas Eve has ever been the same for me. Last year, I had to work and then I remember decorating Christmas cookies and watching a few Christmas movies.
I have a child-like approach to this holiday. There’s a part of me that loves knowing people are going out of their way to buy me things that will make me happy and cannot wait to see my reaction. I don’t mean that to sound selfish, but more of how I know people care. And there’s a bigger part that loves buying presents for other people, most especially my mom. I love finding things that she didn’t add to her Christmas list but know she’ll love and be completely surprised about. I love taking her stocking down from the nail late on Christmas Eve and filling it with goodies I’ve purchased. I love the spirit of the season; the pretty lights as I drive at night, our Christmas tree with handmade ornaments from my childhood, as well as our array of snowmen ornaments. I love wrapping presents and placing them under the tree, watching how big our stack grows. I love Christmas music, most especially the songs dedicated to celebrating the birth of my King.
And I love thinking about what our first Christmas will be like, while we’re courting. I think about our first Christmas as husband and wife. I think about our first Christmas with our baby. I think about future Christmases, filled up with kids, late night wrapping, and shopping trips. I think about Christmases far, far in the future, filled with our children and grandchildren.
I wonder how you celebrate Christmas. Are you as in love with this time of year as I am, or are you more of a Grinch? I promise you this: if you are a Grinch, I will turn you into a lover of Christmas. Believe that! Does your family open presents on Christmas Eve or Christmas? Do you go to church, have a big meal, or do Secret Santa exchanges? Are you even close to your family?
And what about Christmas 2010? How are you spending it now? I’d like to think you’re a family man, but perhaps you’re not. Maybe you’re working over Christmas or overseas. Maybe Christmas is a sad time for you, or maybe you’re experiencing the same childlike glee I have right now.
Sometimes, the thought of spending another Christmas without you chokes me up. I want to meet you so badly. I want our life to begin NOW. But I know I have a lot of issues I need to work on first, otherwise our relationship is doomed from the beginning. And you may be dealing with your own issues. Perhaps 2011 will be our year, but if it’s not, just know I will still be waiting for you.
I will be content in my singleness on this Christmas Eve, because I have hope for the future. I will watch Christmas movies with abandon, bake cookies until my arms ache, and joyously count down the hours until 7am on Christmas morning when presents will be opened. I am praying for you, love, that your Christmas is filled with laughter, joy, and above all, peace.
I love you with everything in me.