The December 5th prompt for Reverb10 was absolutely perfect for me. Written by author Alice Bradley, the prompt reads: “What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?”
This year, I had to let go of my father.
For the past few years, my dad had been a negative influence in my life. Actually, he had been a negative influence for most of my life but it was just in the past few years where I had noticed how it was affecting my well-being. I began to see how it was making me doubt myself and my abilities, as he continuously doubted both.
We went a year without speaking. After my birthday in 2007, I decided to do a little test: see how long it would take my father to call me. Usually, it was me calling him, me making plans, with no effort on his part. He claimed he lost my phone number, but he had my brother’s and called him frequently. The next time he contacted me was through a Facebook message on his girlfriend’s page. (We weren’t friends, but she requested me and he wrote a message.) Thus started the process of repairing our relationship. I wrote him a nice, long e-mail telling him how he had hurt me only to receive a nasty reply e-mail, laying the blame back on me.
I knew he would never change. I knew he would remain a toxic, negative influence in my life. So I decided to end the relationship.
It’s been a hard, painful process, and I still don’t think I’ve fully wrapped my head around this. For the longest time, I wondered what I had to offer anyone. I mean, if the one man who is supposed to love and cherish you the most thinks you’re worthless, how can I have a successful relationship with a man? I’m slowly beginning to realize that my dad is the one with the problem. He has a gambling addiction and an immature attitude towards life. It has nothing to do with me. I am still an amazing human being. I am special. I am loved. I am incredibly worthwhile. His feelings towards me are false.
I’m not sure where to move on from here, but I do know I have a new purpose in life. I have a new attitude. I know I have a lot to offer and I’m ready to leave my dad firmly in the past. It still hurts to see women with incredible relationships with their fathers but I know a lot has to change on his part for me to ever welcome him back into my life. He no longer has a powerful hold over my life.
I had to let go of my dad this year. And, in turn, I am embracing a brand-new, more confident me.
I'm sorry he's missing out on your life. I'm sorry you had to forgo having a dad to have a more confident you, but that takes a lot of gall to acknowledge and follow through. You are an amazing person!
ReplyDeleteAs much as it hurts to let go, I believe you made the right decision. Good for you!
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you... This was clearly the right thing to do, but I can't imagine how difficult it was. But he is truly not worthy of you.
ReplyDeleteThis post was so wonderful, and I imagine incredibly cathartic. There's so much pressure, I think, from within and from external forces, to hold onto things that ultimately aren't good for us that we feel bad when we let go of something the world is telling us needs to be in our life. I am SO proud of the strength you have, and in the decision you made. I know this is going to bring about all sorts of good things for you.
ReplyDeleteHe is majorly missing out Stephany. We've never even "met" but I know you're an amazing person. It's his loss.
ReplyDeleteThe parts in bold are, without a doubt, the mot important part. You said it yourself!
ReplyDeleteThis takes a lot of courage & heart to do. I'm sorry your father has been so toxic - but I'm so proud of you for taking steps to make your life better without him.
What a difficult choice, but it sounds like it was a necessary step for you to grow. I hope you can get counseling. The family baggage weighs heavy on the heart and brain.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine having to make a decision like this but based on what you've said you definitely made the right call. Sometimes you've got to look out for number one, you know!?
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you had to let go, but it sounds like it is for the best! My best friend had to let go of her dad, after he showed that he didn't care about her. Don't think it means anything about you - often, people's nasty behavior toward you is really about THEM.
ReplyDeleteMy husband tested his parents once to see how long it would take them to call him (they live in another state) and it took more than a few months. He was pretty bummed.
I'm so sorry that it had to come to this, but I'm so proud of you for valuing yourself and realizing you're worth so much more than he either can or is willing to give you. I'm giving you a virtual hug and a high five right now!
ReplyDeleteThis must have been so challenging. Way to go for sticking to your guns and accepting that he's the one with the problem.
ReplyDeleteYou're amazing! remember that.
so glad you have been able to come to this realization because it's so true.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you had to come to this conclusion. Realizing that your Dad is not helping, but hindering you as a person is definitely wrong and even though it must have been a really tough decision, I am glad you made it.
ReplyDeleteThat must have taken so much strength, but it looks like you emerged from it stronger and happier, so I can't help but be happy for you.
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