Wednesday, January 20, 2010

"I'm Praying For You."

Well, not really.

See, my prayer life has been non-existent for, oh, the last 6 months? Or maybe even longer. Except for those quick, "Oh, please Jesus, let me make it to class on time," I don't send many prayers up towards Heaven these days.

I have this real problem with gullibility and it makes me question everything I believe about my faith. Which I think is good, in a way. I don't think we should ever get too comfortable in our faith and I also think we need to have a reason why we believe what we do. It's not enough for me to say, "Jesus died on the cross for my sins." I want to dig deeper into my faith and know why this is true.

But when I read the Bible, it seems all my questions and doubts make their nasty way into my head where I can't even read a simple Proverb without questioning it's rightness. And I do believe the Bible is the ultimate truth and nobody will ever tell me different. (So don't even try.) But it's been tough going with my faith lately.

I know I need to start searching for answers and I am desperately seeking a mentor who can guide me through the Bible and all it's nuances. And I desperately need to rebuild my relationship with Jesus. Because as much as He's pursuing me and looking after me, I keep turning the other way.

Which brings me back to my first point. I noticed in the past months, I was telling other people whenever they were facing some sort of hardship that I was praying for them. And I'm not. I hate being this honest but I'm hoping this blog post will be cathartic in some way to me, which is why I'm writing it. Whenever someone tells me, they're praying for me, it lifts my spirits. It bolsters me and I hate, hate, hate that I would do that to someone and not pray for them.

So I've stopped saying it. I can't lie anymore and tell you I'm praying for you, no matter how perfect it seems to fit in the moment. And maybe a lot of you aren't as naive as I am. Maybe when you hear someone tell you that they're praying for you, you just smile but don't sink deep into the meaning of their words. But I can't do it anymore. I can't say I'll do something as important as praying and not do it. It seems so incredibly wrong to me.

I am working on my relationship with Jesus. It's slow going, mostly on my part. But I have started a prayer list and I do want to start intently praying for people who need it. Even if they don't believe in it, I want to pray for them. So I wrote this blog and I'm a little nervous about the comments I'll get. But I had to write it. I had to write down my feelings and put it all out there.

Praying for you? I will.
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