"Want to know about a person's Bible reading and prayer life? Don't ask him, correct him for something and see how he reacts."An old pastor of mine tweeted this the other day and it came at the perfect time. The blog I'm about to write is extremely personal to me, admitting my faults and the fact that sometimes, I'm just a 10-year-old trapped in a 22-year-old's body.
A few weeks ago, I posted a blog that deeply hurt a friend of mine. When I posted it, I thought it came across a bit snarky and was a little unsure of posting it. But I posted it. And now I regret it.
The thing is, I want my life to glorify God. I want people to look at me or hear my words and just know there is something different about me. I feel it when I read certain blogs. I can just feel Jesus' light shining through their blog. And sometimes, while most people know I am a Christian, they may not view me as such - especially by the language I sometimes use when I'm upset or the words that come out of my mouth.
One of my biggest pet peeves about faith is that we're not authentic enough. I don't want my life to reflect that of someone who doesn't have my faith. I want to stand out. I'm not interested in living a mediocre life. I want my every word, action, and thought to be centered around Christ. I want my day-to-day life to be filled with Him. I want to be changed. I want to be broken.
But I'm scared. I'm scared of what God has planned for me. I'm scared of what that might do to the plans I have for my life. I'm scared of what it takes to truly step out in faith.
After I posted that blog, I apologized to the friend. And she sent me an e-mail back. The e-mail was cutting but loving. I felt condemnation, but no judgment. I felt so disappointed in myself and so incredibly sad at how I managed to screw things up. I reacted like a ten-year-old girl, replying to the e-mail with my own snarky one.
She is my sister-in-Christ and while the e-mail was so hard to read, she said things that I needed to hear and things I didn't want to hear. She stepped out in faith and let me know how she felt, no holds barred. She wasn't PC about it and didn't give me a 'fluff' e-mail. She told me like it is.
I think we need that in our life. We need someone to tell us when we aren't glorifying God with our life. It's not about judgment (which is a word, in my opinion, that gets tossed around way too much) but about being a sister. Being someone we can count on to give us the truth, but also someone who will lend a hand to pick us up when we fall down.
I want to be more like her. I want to be firm in my faith and know exactly who I am in Christ. I want to be able to mentor younger Christians and be able to tell them when an action is taking them further away from God. I don't want to be scared of the truth anymore, nor of letting other people know the truth.
The truth is, I needed to hear it. I needed someone to tell me point-blank, this is not Christlike behavior. I don't want to be another Christian who says one thing, yet does another. I want to glorify God with my blog. And maybe not every post is going to be as "deep" and "introspective" and "godly" as this one but I had to get this out there to let this friend know that I am sorry and I respect her for standing up for her beliefs. Letting me know that the God she believes in would not approve of that blog post.
I honestly don't know if I'm getting my thoughts across in the right way. If not, I'm sure y'all will tell me so in the comments. And to this friend that I hurt, I'm sorry. And thank you. Thank you for being straight with me. Thank you for being a light and showing God's love yet justness in a firm way.
Ohh! New look! I like it!
ReplyDeleteI think I know which post you're talking about, and I'm glad that she didn't keep her feelings to herself and lovingly told you what you needed to hear. I was actually a bit surprised myself at the post, but didn't say anything. I just kept it to myself.
Your post is a good reminder to think before speaking. Sometimes I would just looooooove to cut someone down on my blog or IRL, but know that it's better left unsaid. Fortunately we have people around us who are willing to forgive our faults.
Peaches is that person for me. I can always count on her honesty and trustworthiness. And believe me - there have been many moments I'm not proud of in which I was mean to her, selfish, and inconsiderate. She always put me back in line and was fortunately straight with me about everything - and always forgiving. I'm glad that you have someone in your life who is a Peach.
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It's totally normal to be afraid of what God was planned for you. It's hard to give it all up to God and let him have complete control of your life.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I love that you make mistakes and then own up to them. It makes you HUMAN. Plus, if I ever had a faith related question or wanted to talk to someone about faith, YOU would be the first person that I would go to!
Love your blog's new look!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I admire your faith and strength. I hope I could be that strong to control my tongue/pen and my temper.
I'm proud of you for your honesty, and I think not only do we all need someone like that in our lives, but we need to be OPEN to having someone like that in our lives. I've always tried to be the person who will speak up honestly if I think someone needs to hear the truth, and often, it's landed me in trouble. It got me fired from a job once, and I've had former friends turn their backs on me because it's easier to walk away from something you don't want to hear. I think being open to hearing the truth and being strong enough to take it on board and learn from it is key - and it sounds like you're really seeing the value of that, too.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's completely okay to be a little scared of what God has planned for us. I had a talk about this with my boss yesterday because my work situation's still up in the air (with 3 days left!). He told me about a time he was laid off, got a great severance pay etc.. and spent a good 5 months reading the Bible and talking to very wise people. One of them asked him what he wanted and was praying for. He said a Christian organisation, which would allow me to help others like I'd never helped before, and stretch myself more than I've ever been stretched before. The guy asked him, how badly do you want that? And he said really badly, the guy says, no, really, HOW badly? Are you ready to give up everything to God and have complete faith in His plan? Your house, your nice car.. everything? And he went home and talked about it with his wife, and they decided that night, that they'd sell the car if they had to, move into a little apartment if they had to. The very next day he had 2 job offers. One, a job similar to his last one, great pay, familiar industry. The other, here. New field. Cut in pay. Totally scary. But his wife asked him "what did you pray for?" And this was exactly it.
I'm in a similar situation right now. I'm scared of what the plan is for me because I don't know what it is yet. Doors are closing all around me and it's a scary thing. But I'm trying really hard to just have faith, and believe everything will work out the way it's supposed to. And I know it will for you too lady :)
I think you're very brave and strong to post something like this on your blog for all to see. And I think this friend sounds like a very good friend. A good friend will tell you things that may be hard and that you may not want to hear (and they may not want to say). Those are the people you should keep close to you.
ReplyDeleteI don't have the right words but I want to acknowledge this. So them me say this:
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing this. It's a brave and honest post and I think MANY people can benefit from reading it. I think it shows maturity. It was a great apology.
And also, I agree that there is almost nothing more terrifying than honestly saying, "God, what do you want me to do with my life?" The answer can (and probably will) rock your world.
Oh, Stephany...
ReplyDeleteI want you to know that I can feel God's light shining through YOUR blog. I can see it in how real and transparent you allow yourself to be. In how you let us in on the struggles you face, and the joy of the triumphs. And I can see it simply in your heartfelt desire to glorify God.
Please remember that as you keep writing, living and learning - and sharing the journey with all of us!
Much love,
Abbie
I love that you wrote this, and I love everything in it. Thanks for the challenge, because I want the same things that you do.
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