Monday, May 24, 2010

A State of Flux

Ever since the semester ended, I've been in a weird place. As crazy, time consuming, and hectic as last semester was, I enjoyed it. I was challenged beyond belief, exhausted by 10 AM, and more busy than I have ever been. But there was freedom in that. I was stretching and growing as a person and as a student. I was given tasks to complete and I did them, some greater than my biggest expectation.

And now I'm back to an easy, go with the flow life. I wake up at 5:30 AM, go to work, come home, watch a little TV, take a nap, read some blogs, rinse and repeat. There's no challenge, no focus, no excitement. It's back to my same blah existence that I had before. Sure, I felt better rested and less crazy but there's something magical about being busy and crazy. Something that makes you stand up and enjoy life.

I want that back. I want to be busy again. I want a new challenge.

I've been thinking a lot about goals. Where do I want to be this time next year? Who do I want to be? How can I stretch myself as a person? What's my five-year plan?

I made three New Year's resolutions which are pretty straight-to-the-point. I like those resolutions and have kept them at the forefront of my mind this year as I seek to achieve them by December 31. I have a "101 in 1001" goals list that keeps me motivated to take on new tasks and challenges.

But I want something bigger than that. I want to set some big goals and figure out how I am going to achieve them. I want to sit down and come up with a list of where/who I want to be in five years. I want to start living my life with intention every single day.

I never aimed to live the life of a normal college-aged girl. But I also never aimed to live the life of an eighty-year-old. I want to experience more of life, get a taste of the night life and traveling. I want to go to bed exhausted, but thrilled about my life. I want excitement, growth, change.

Next week, I'm going to start a week-long media fast. I'll disable Twitter and Facebook from my phone. I'm not going to read any blogs (so, um, don't post anything exciting. 'Kay?) or even go on the Internet. I'm allowing myself one hour of TV a night. I just want to take a step back from this fast-paced, high-tech digital world and find peace within myself. I want to take time in prayer with God, reading my Bible and doing my Bible study. I want to journal on paper and talk about things I'm too scared to bring to life on my blog. I want to experience life and not worry about sending a tweet about it the minute it happens. I want to figure out what I want out of life and how to get that.

I'm drifting right now. I'm not exactly sure where I want life to take me. I'm not exactly sure who I want along for the ride. But I'm just not happy with life right now. I want to take the negativity out and bring in the positive. I want to remember what it's like to be head over heels for Christ. And I want to reconnect with myself. I want to find myself again, away from Stephany Writes.

27 comments:

  1. Sad :( Cuz I like reading your blog, but I think it's a great idea and you should of course do whats best for you.
    I am the same way about being busy- even though I go crazy, I a little bit love it.

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  2. Good luck! I'm a little too glued to my iPhone to ever be truly separated from media, but I do challenge myself to give up certain aspects for days at a time. It sounds like just what you need right now!

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  3. I generally ignore the internet on the weekend, thats when I step back, reassess the week and gear up for the week ahead. Its my quiet time. I crave it and don't miss it at all. (Of course there are some weekends I am on it constantly over the weekend trying to accomplish a greater purpose or something. But I do think stepping away from time to time is a good thing.

    I have a blog post rolling around in my head thats about living a better life, it was the basis of a book that I think you might like. It was called A Thousand Miles in a Million Years, What I Learned From Editing My Life. Definitely check it out.

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  4. I've taken a break from the internet many times in the past. While it's fun to be connected, it's also nice to just be DISconnected :)There's something refreshing bout that :)

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  5. nice blog.. have a view of my blog when free.. http://www.lonelyreload.blogspot.com .. do leave me some comment / guide if can.. if interested can follow my blog...

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  6. You will be missed during your break, but I've done this before, and it's so fruitful to be disconnected every once in a while. It's great that you're doing it for yourself, so that you can reconnect with yourself and figure out what you want out of life. I hope you come out of it feeling refreshed and happy and ready to tackle some new projects or goals! Wishing you the best Stephany!

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  7. Good for you for doing what you need. We'll miss you though!

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  8. Forced to go a week without your posts.. I hope I make it.. But I am so happy you are going to do the media fast! It sounds great.. and I think it will provide you with a lot of clarity love! I recently made those lists myself and I am starting an inspiration journal. Might I suggest making a dream board? Have you tried it before?

    Best,

    Hannah Katy

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  9. Sometimes you just gotta get away from it all, don't be afraid to. Go outside, spend time looking at all the great things that life have to offer, look at yourself, pray, think, just take a vacation from the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

    As for a journal, I started keeping a private on at 750words.com, trying to write something everyday. It's helping me reflect and get out feelings I can't and won't talk about on my blog.

    I wish you the best of luck, we will miss you, but we want you to get back in touch with what is important to you. Have a good week dear, can't wait to hear from you soon :)

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  10. I usually unplug from the world a couple of times a month, for a day or so at a time, I find thats better (and easier) for me than doing anything big like a week or two.

    I'll do my best not to be *too* exciting ;-)

    I'll miss ya!

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  11. We'll miss you!! Completely understand though - and the week of post-Vegas regurgitation may be a good idea to take off :)

    I love that you're recognising the "drifting" and actively deciding to change it. I love that you're making goal lists and really pushing yourself to achieve them. I can't wait to hear all about it on the other side :)

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  12. I'll miss you but I understand...I would like to find myself from many years ago too. Keep us posted from time to time!

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  13. this is great. as much as i'll miss your updates. my dad has always tried to get me to turn off everything, not make any social dates, and sit and listen to myself. he believes that i'll find direction and know what to do with my life if i do this more.

    unfortunately, i can't seem to sit still/let my mind relax.

    kudos to you :)

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  14. Oh my goodness, we're very alike! I am constantly complaining that I don't have enough of a challenge. I have to admit though, that once a hurdle does come my way, it scares me to death at first. But I agree....change and challenge is necessary for me as well. I am just not safe, sitting still. I will get myself into trouble somehow withough something to keep me focused. I could see myself painting the hallway a god-awful colour, and regretting it, just to stay occupied. lol.
    I love this post...and will definately be back for more - at least I'm not alone! ;)

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  15. P.S - anyone here who's going to Miss Stephanie (and I can see why you would!), check out my blog if you'd like...I'm just as lost as she, and trying to find a path to my niche...a way to keep myself busy, and satisfied. Reality just ain't cuttin' it!!
    www.lee-annsniche.blogspot.com

    Hope to see you there!!! and...hope you don't take too long Stephanie! ;)

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  16. Noooooooo! I'm going to miss you!

    But I totally understand. Or I'm trying to, hehe.

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  17. That sounds like a great idea. Enjoy it!

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  18. A PS. to my earlier comment - I moved Thursday's post up to tomorrow morning because it was the one I'm doing FOR YOU (costumes! eek!!) and you HAD to see before your unplugged time!! :)

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  19. I think this will be good for you. I've been going through something similar. I feel like I'm at this point of stasis in my life where nothing seems to be going anywhere. I was doing laundry today, and I thought, "I need to take responsibility for myself." I've complained a lot about feeling less like an adult and more like a child the older I get, and that everyone seems to be taking care of me, so my independence gets squashed. However, I never considered that all of this was because I'm not assertive or aggressive enough. I need to capture who I am and what I want, who I want to be - just like you said. So let's do this thing! :D Perhaps I should make a public statement on my blog about this. Perhaps...

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  20. I think you've got the right idea...my best friend took a break from Facebook alone, and she was relieved of so much stress! You don't realize how reading all other people's crap puts a load on you until you aren't reading it.

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  21. Good idea! I feel like this a lot, and I was just thinking the other day how I'd love to go on some sort of retreat to kind of figure my life out.

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  23. I'm going to miss your posts but I'm excited to hear how this goes for you! Disconnecting from the Internet while I was in Europe was GREAT for me and I feel so much less dependant on Twitter and Facebook and checking updates ALL THE TIME. Though I can see myself getting back into the habit slowly. Lol!

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  24. I did this disconnect-from-the-technology-world (only allowing skype to be able to talk to my boyfriend across the seas, it's tough). Day one, I was itching I mean I had never been alone with my own thoughts for so long, nor had I ever known I would have to endure them. But, as the days went on, I didn't yearn for the internet so much. I ached for the changes I had envisioned to be more real.

    I'm going through another few days of thought, but with internet so I can read some wonderfully inspiring blog posts as I do. It'll be my last few days alone ever. And so many thoughts are going through my head that are screeeeaming for my attention!

    I hope you got so much out of this experience and are feeling much more alive and fruitful in life :)

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  25. I did this disconnect-from-the-technology-world (only allowing skype to be able to talk to my boyfriend across the seas, it's tough). Day one, I was itching I mean I had never been alone with my own thoughts for so long, nor had I ever known I would have to endure them. But, as the days went on, I didn't yearn for the internet so much. I ached for the changes I had envisioned to be more real.

    I'm going through another few days of thought, but with internet so I can read some wonderfully inspiring blog posts as I do. It'll be my last few days alone ever. And so many thoughts are going through my head that are screeeeaming for my attention!

    I hope you got so much out of this experience and are feeling much more alive and fruitful in life :)

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  26. I think you've got the right idea...my best friend took a break from Facebook alone, and she was relieved of so much stress! You don't realize how reading all other people's crap puts a load on you until you aren't reading it.

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  27. I've taken a break from the internet many times in the past. While it's fun to be connected, it's also nice to just be DISconnected :)There's something refreshing bout that :)

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