I was recently personally attacked by someone I care deeply about on my decision to wait until I was married to live with my spouse and have sex with them. While I do feel like this is an unusual choice this day and age (even amongst the Christian sector), I don't understand why someone would get offended by my choice.
This is my personal decision. I'm not saying that I think everyone has to live this way, or that you're a bad person by living with your girlfriend or boyfriend before marriage. In fact, I am envious that you have found someone you love so much, you want to be with them 24/7. Finding love is not always easy, and staying in love can be even harder.
I don't believe that you don't truly know someone before you live with them. While yes, living with someone is completely different than going on dates or sharing a hotel room for a weekend, all you are learning is surface things. You're learning how they are a neat freak or OCD about keeping lights turned off when a room isn't being used. You're learning that they keep their toothbrush by the sink, instead of hanging in the specified toothbrush holder. You learn that they don't think making their bed or keeping up with the laundry is their top priority, but making sure every bill is paid on time. You learn that they like the snooze button in the morning or jump right out of bed. You learn if your partner is a morning person or a night person. Learning these things shouldn't make you fall out of love with your spouse. If it does, your love probably wasn't strong enough to begin with.
I think there's something to be said about having a romantic relationship where sex and kissing isn't the center of the relationship. You learn how to be a friend first, a lover second. You learn how to be romantic without a kiss. You get to know the person's heart in a deeper, more intimate fashion. In some ways, knowing a person's heart can be more intimate and require more trust than the physical aspect of love.
I'm waiting for my wedding day to share my first kiss with my future husband. I'm waiting for my wedding night to give him my virginity. And I will wait until we are one to share a home with him. It's a personal decision, something I have thought long and hard about. It feels right to me. Choosing to live with your girlfriend or boyfriend before marriage doesn't make you a bad person in my eyes. It just means you are choosing a different path to your love story.
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I find your decision refreshing! I was this way in high school and because of an unhealthy relationship in college didn't keep my virginity for my husband. However when my husband and I started dating I told him I wanted us to be virgins to each other until our wedding night and we did. So grateful we did that!
ReplyDeleteIt's disheartening when people attack that decision. Both Husband and I lived together (for a year) before we were married. We were both virgins, and we waited until our wedding night. Yes, we slept in the same bed for the year we lived together, but we didn't feel it was necessary to have sex. We both knew we wanted to wait. It wasn't based on Christian beliefs; it was just our own personal choice.
ReplyDeleteI say more power to you! It's absolutely your choice. No one else can sway that, and they shouldn't be so judgemental.
Excellent post. Everyone is allowed to make their own decisions and no one should slam you when you make one they don't agree with. The truth is, if they slam you, then they are probably just envious and they probably hadn't even thought about the reasons all the way through. By waiting, it will make everything that much sweeter and special. Heart ya Steph!
ReplyDeleteWow, someone was actually offended? I can understand being puzzled by it at worst but never offended. I think it's pretty admirable! I had no idea you're waiting for your first kiss on your wedding day. Hmm I'd be nervous at that alter!
ReplyDeleteGreat post. I think everyone should live their life the way they want to live and no judge anyone for the path they choose. I'm sorry that someone attacked you about your decisions, keep your head up and stay strong!
ReplyDeleteMy fiance and I didn't wait to have sex with each other, even though we're both Christians. But after about a year, we both felt convicted to stop (I don't blog about this because our parents read my blog and that's just awkward, but I don't mind leaving a short comment about it). So even though we spend the nights together still (mostly out of convenience since we don't live that close together), we haven't had sex or seen each other naked since then. We also don't plan on moving in together until we're married either, and I agree that the things that you learn about how they live should NOT be reason enough to divorce! If that's the case, you probably shouldn't have been married to them in the first place. I certainly understand where you're coming from, even if that's not the path we choose either.
ReplyDeleteI will say that I think starting a physically romantic relationship when you get married may be a harder adjustment than you think. There are a lot of "kinks" to work out, and you might be surprised and/or worried if things don't go as smoothly as you might like.
I hope that you are able to hold to your convictions too. I thought I would stay a virgin, and I didn't. When you meet Mr. Right, things may change for you based on who you BOTH are. Kissing before marriage is not necessarily a bad thing, and I'm not just saying that because "lots of people do it." It really depends on the maturity of both of you and where you are at that point in life.
We waited... not for kissing but living together and sex. Best decision of my life! The world will never understand it. It irritates me when I hear people say "its unreasonable to teach abstenance." Really? Why?
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who waited until her wedding day for her first kiss with her husband. While it was definitely NOT FOR ME, I think it was sweet and I teared up when I witnessed their first kiss.
Wow I'm a little shocked by this for sure. But good for you for standing up for yourself!! You aren't alone! :D
ReplyDelete- er shocked by the person attacking you. Not shocked at your decision ... heh I don't know if that was clear.
ReplyDeleteThat is too bad that your friend attacked you for this decision... It's such a personal decision so I don't think it's something that people have a 'right' to have an opinion about. meaning - they can have an opinion about their decision, but they shouldn't judge you for your decisions...
ReplyDeleteI think it's amazing you're making this decision and choices for yourself and I'm really proud of it.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, these are not things I did, or would make for myself! But that's the beauty of being friends and respectful right! I respect your decisions and you respect mine - I think it's ridiculous that your friend would attack you for this!
"I think there's something to be said about having a romantic relationship where sex and kissing isn't the center of the relationship."
I 100% agree with the above statement, by the way :)
Great post, love! XO
From someone who's hubby was her first kiss and everything else, waiting is SO worth it!
ReplyDeleteFrom my experience I have learned that people feel threatened by your commitment to purity and it can cause them to go into attack mode if they don't understand it.
Keep strong in your beliefs!
Clearly that person who found so much offense in your personal decision isn't as good a friend as you believed. A friend would support your choices 100%, even if they didn't understand it.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I completely admire you for making these choices ... and I am saying that as a girl who is no longer and lives with her boyfriend. While they might not be decisions I've made, it's easy to recognize that it takes a lot of strength and conviction in your beliefs to hold true to these choices despite your peers not acting in the same manner. Even if these were choices I had made, I don't know if I would've had the courage to follow through when I saw my friends doing the exact opposite. I honestly commend you for being able to do so.
I don't understand how anyone can attack you for your personal choices. While I didn't wait until I was married, I find your choices to be refreshing and no one else should care how you choose to make those decisions.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for standing up in what you believe in.
I don't understand why someone would attack you over this issue, especially if you're close to him/her. I certainly hope it was some sort of misunderstanding rather than he/she being judgmental and disrespectful of your decision. Deciding how to go about a relationship is extremely personal, so who is anyone else to judge you? You've made the decision that's right for you, and I think it's wonderful!
ReplyDeleteYou're so right when you said, "I don't believe that you don't truly know someone before you live with them." Leo and I didn't live together before we were married. So many of my friends told me that it was going to be a HUGE adjustment for us, and some said there would be fights, annoyances, disagreements, etc. But it wasn't like that at all. We already knew each other so well that transitioning from a long distance couple to a married couple living together wasn't hard at all. I didn't NEED to live with him before marrying him to know that we'd be good together. We did learn a few new things about each others' habits, but nothing that changed our feelings.
it's what i did - best decision ever!
ReplyDeleteI am envious of the people who were strong enough to wait. I have not, and I wish I could change that. I just had a friend get married to her boyfriend of three years. She ALWAYS said she wouldn't kiss until she was engaged. She did it. They didn't kiss until April and were married this weekend. Their relationship was built on more than just an attraction.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure why people take the choices of others so personally. I think it is amazing that you are following the call of God on your life.
I don't understand why someone would have a problem with that. It has absolutely nothing to do with them. Sometimes I feel like people can take personal decisions and personal opinions and mix them up to think it's a personal attack on the way they perceive things just because you don't see life the way they do. I commend your decision to wait until marriage for both things.
ReplyDeleteIt always bothers me when people attack personal decisions like this and it makes me sad. Choosing to be intimate with someone is an incredibly personal decision that you shouldn't be attacked for. I support what ever makes you happy and commend you for standing up for your beliefs.
ReplyDeleteI admire you for doing this and standing by your decision. :) I truly wish I waited...BUT my husband and I are each other's first anyways. We just didn't wait until we got married.
ReplyDeleteVery well said, and I think it SUCKS that someone got offended by your decision when it doesn't affect them at all (unless it was a guy who wants to have sex with you?). :-P
ReplyDeleteAnd I can attest to the fact that waiting is WORTH it. And yeah, I learned a lot of things about Joe after we got married and moved in together, some of which were surprising and maybe a little annoying at first. But the love? Still there.
My husband and I waited to live together and have sex until we got married, and it is something I'm very proud of. He wasn't a virgin when I met him and he tells me that he will always regret giving himself to other women before me. It's just too much baggage.
ReplyDeleteIn all honesty, we definitely had a physical relationship before marriage, but even with that the adjustment was hard for me. I grew up having it pounded into my head that sex before marriage was wrong, so it was hard for me to turn into a sexual person just because I was married.
Also, I don't think cohabitation is wrong, but I think it is dangerous. If you want to wait to have sex it will be a huge temptation, and statistics have also shown that couples who don't live together before they get married have a much lower rate of divorce.
This is a great, brave post! I'm proud of you for posting this. I have the same views (for the most part) about marriage and living together. I'm still a virgin...and while this hasn't been easy, I'm so glad I didn't slip up and lose it in the past to someone that didn't deserve it (and that someone TRIED...believe me!).
ReplyDeleteCan I just say that we are MAJORLY strong for abstaining the way we are? And smart in a lot of ways :)
Thank you thank you thank you for writing this! I really appreciate people who are able to articulate this in a culture when it doesn't seem important anymore. It's also nice to know I'm not alone in my decision to wait as well!
ReplyDeleteI made this decision a long time ago as well, and it was the best decision I ever made. You really get to connect with your significant other on such a more heartfelt spiritual way. It makes marriage so much more sacred and amazing. You really don't find many people make and stick to this decision these days. Much respect :)
ReplyDeleteI so admire you for having the strength and courage to post this. I have a lot of respect for you for your decision to wait. I loved: "I think there's something to be said about having a romantic relationship where sex and kissing isn't the center of the relationship." It's so true :)
ReplyDeleteI will never understand why anyone is bothered by someone else's choice. That's like someone attacking me because I like sleeping on a flat pillow. wth? I mean, *you* wake up and go to sleep in your body, and so you get to run your life however you choose. If you share your thoughts, awesome, but no one should ever be threatened by that. It shows rigidity on their part -- it isn't a reflection of you. But it's baffling and confusing all the same.
ReplyDeleteI'm a new reader, so I don't really know too much about you. I think it is very... noble... ok, that isn't a good word because I know you aren't doing it to be saintly... strong? That's a little better. I think you're a strong person for not only being able to resist relationship pressure but also peer pressure. It seems a little strange to someone like me who lives with her boyfriend and finds it completely normal to hear of someone who is waiting. I think it's true that you learn a lot about a person when you live together, but you also learn a lot about yourself.
ReplyDeleteJ and I moved in together last September. By January, we had broken up and he moved out. Come May, he had moved back in. While the move in, move out routine was annoying to my friends and family, the time apart is just what we needed to realize how wonderful our relationship really was and what changes we needed to make in ourselves. I think it's wonderful that you want to wait until you're entirely sure you're ready for that person.
I totally agree on waiting! My passion in life is to tell others about Purity and be a missionary, wife and a mother! I am about to be 18 and I have never had a boyfriend because I feel it is very important to wait. I have read almost all of the books you have mentioned and I believe waiting and trusting Jesus are very important key elements in even finding a spouse. Joshua Harris' books and Eric and Leslie Ludy's books and so many more books are just great! Thank you for making this blog. I really like it! You should come check out mine! I just started here recently and would love to have more followers! lol :) btw, your a great writer!!!! :) Thanks!
ReplyDeleteI want to add that because my girlfriend and I are both rape survivors, we did not wait until marriage to have sex with each other because it was a healing process. Thinking about waiting so long to start working on something so ravaged was terrifying. Being able to trust someone with physical contact after being so abused is a very scary thing. And I suppose if you are Christian (she is, I'm not) that you could say, well if he loves the Lord, then everything will be OK. But it won't be, so many times. I could never commit to a marriage where I haven't experienced a positive sexual experience, even if it isn't actual intercourse. (although the definition of sex between 2 women is up in the air). Those are just my thoughts. I'd refuse a proposal if we could not start the healing process until after the marriage. Otherwise, sex would be terrifying and detrimental to our already fragile mental health (we've both sustained massive mental health issues due to the repeated abuse). We have healed, and can stand up and commit ourselves to one another in front of everyone that we KNOW that we belong together. Just a thought. I don't get offended with views like yours, I simply caution people who have them in case they have had abusive pasts, because then the situation changes. Good luck finding someone, I mean it sincerely, and I sincerely hope you never go through what we did.
ReplyDelete