A Change

For the past 2 months, I haven't been going to Weight Watcher meetings, counting points, or writing down every morsel of food that goes into my mouth. I haven't been eating as healthy as I know how to, but I haven't been going crazy either. Instead, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I've been thinking about my eating habits, my unhealthy behaviors, and why I am the way I am.

Why am I fat? is the question I've been asking myself over and over again. Why am I sabotaging myself every chance I get? Why do I still not get it? The only answer I can come up with is that I don't feel I have a right to be skinny. I don't have strength to do this. I'm forever destined to be the chubby, quiet girl who feels awkward and out of place because that's the way I was made.

And those are all lies. They are lies that are so ingrained deep in my heart that it's taken me years to get to the root of it. If you've been reading my blog for any amount of time, I'm sure you know who the liar is. If not, it's my father. My father, whose best nickname for me used to be Poochie-Poo, who sent me a letter from prison when I was a senior telling me I needed to lose weight after I sent him my senior picture, and who constantly and consistently made me feel as if I was worthless.

I know they're lies. I know I am a pretty awesome individual. I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm a great friend and a compassionate listener. I have a variety of interest and skills. And I have worth. I am worth it. I can't go on letting his lies infiltrate my mind and captivate my heart. I have so many other people in my life telling me I am worth it. I have my mom, my brother, my grandparents, friends, classmates, strangers, and you guys. There are days when I don't know what I would do without the friendships I have made through blogging.

I'm glad I came to this realization, though. It has made me realize what I'm doing to myself, not just through my body but to my heart. And I know nothing in the world could make me more proud of myself than to make a big change to my lifestyle. I want to stop playing the victim and start playing the victor.

And so, I've come up with a list of my 5 most unhealthy behaviors. My plan is to take control of these five areas of my life and then I can start cracking away at other areas where I eat moderately healthy, but I could still use a little work. (Mainly, my lunch and dinners which are pretty healthy and we usually eat the correct portions of.)

1. Soda

Soda is my drink of choice. If I'm having a bad day, it's soda I want, not any kind of alcohol. It tastes delicious and releases chemicals into my brain that signal everything is going to be OK. (Well, maybe not, but that's how it feels.) On an average day, I would drink 2-3 cans. Two weeks ago, I began working to cut it out of my diet. While I will still have soda when I go out to eat and on Sundays, I don't want it to be an everyday habit. I managed to go two days each week without any soda. I don't want to quit cold turkey because the caffeine headaches I get are enough to make me think I can never do this. For this upcoming week, I'm looking to go 3 days without a soda and so on until I stop depending on it so much. This has been my main goal and I feel like I'm doing pretty good at achieving it.

2. Exercise 

After over 3 years of trying to lose weight, exercise still hasn't become something I enjoy. While I have found certain types of exercise that I tolerate, it's never been something that I've craved. Craving exercise? Really? There are people out there like this? But I want to. I want it to be more enjoyable and something I don't dread with every fiber of my being. (And no, I'm not being dramatic. OK. Maybe I am.) I want to like exercise, I really do! For this goal, I want to commit to 4 days of exercise a week. It can get really complicated with my schedule (especially since I can't exercise in the morning, unless I want to wake up at 4am.), but I know I can do this. I just have to stop being so lazy.

3. Snacking

Oh, snacking! This is my weakness. I have fallen prey to portion control and 100-calorie snack packs which do nothing to fuel you, but do taste so very good! I want to drastically change what I consider a snack and make it something that really does perk me up and fuel me, and less about something heavy on fat and sugar. I want fruits and veggies, almonds and nuts, peanut butter and smoothies. This is an area that needs a lot of work, and it scares me a little to think about how many calories/points I waste on snacks.

4. Breakfast

My job makes breakfast very hard. First of all, I have to be there early so eating beforehand isn't an option. Secondly, even if I do bring a satisfying, filling breakfast, I'm also the "Breakfast Girl", as my boss likes to call me and I'm the one making and delivering breakfasts to all the kiddos. Sometimes, it's something as simple as cereal and juice. And sometimes it's French toast, or blueberry muffins, or my personal favorite, sausage biscuits. (Do you know what it's like to cook FORTY sausage biscuits and not eat even one? Um, well, neither do I.) It's hard. I bring breakfast, yes, but I also think I could make it a lot healthier. I have a hard time finding super healthy breakfast since I hate oatmeal and can only handle yogurt in small doses. But I'm up for the challenge!

5. Situational Eating

I am really bad at eating, depending on the situation. I'm sad! I'm happy! Something terrible has just happened! Let's celebrate! It's Friday! I have the Monday morning blues! I'm a professional at justifying why I'm eating bad. I want to stop eating just because of a certain emotion or event. I want to be able to be sad and find another way to get a handle on my emotions. I want to be able to celebrate something good happening without blowing my diet out of the water. I need to find other ways to deal with my emotions. I think it's a problem most people have with their eating habits and once that gets under control, controlling your eating becomes much easier.

So there you have it. For now, I'm working on the first two because I know if I can cut out the majority of my soda intake and ramp up my exercise, I'll see weight loss and just feel better. And that's my main goal. I want to feel good and know I'm treating my body the best way possible. I'm still eating healthy and still maintaining a healthy lifestyle, but I find that I'm less tempted to cheat and feel like the whole day or week is a loss with this attitude.

What would you say is your most unhealthy habit?


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