Monday, January 25, 2010

Frail Hope

I've been pretty vocal on this blog about my father. The last time I saw him was November 24, 2007 after I called him to invite him to a small birthday celebration I was having. So he came. I went out to dinner with him, my mom, and my brother. And then we came back to my house to eat cake and ice cream and play some board games.

I would definitely say this is one of my favorite birthday memories. It was like old times, the four of us together again. We laughed and joked around. We had some meaningful conversations. And I felt like this was a new beginning in our relationship. My dad was going to try harder at being a father. I just knew it.

But then I didn't hear from him. He called my brother plenty of times, always asking him to do something for him or for money. But he never called me. So I decided to wait him out, see how long it would take him to call me.

I never imagined it would take him over 2 years. And honestly, I'm still waiting on that phone call.

On Tuesday night of last week, I got a friend request via Facebook from his girlfriend. I was freaking out, wondering how she found me and why she requested me as a friend. A few minutes later, I got a Facebook message - from my father.

That's when I really started freaking out. The title of the message was, "from dead beat dad ." I couldn't read it. I was so, so scared. What would it say? Was he going to blame me for everything again? Was this a message that would change everything? Was he finally going to admit he had done wrong and he was sorry?

I waited until my mom came home from work to open up the message and we read it together. And then I deflated. Here was his message: "i hope you get over this hate for me but if not i guess thats it .sometimes in live you just got to let go and let people be who they are .good luck to you and if you write me back my e-mail is --- love ya always your dead beat dad."

Once again, no responsibility. Once again, it's still my fault. Once again, he let me down.

I called my brother after I read it and read the message to him. He summed my feelings up perfectly in one word: "Unbelievable."

I'm 22 years old. I should know by now that my dad is going to forever let me down. He's never going to be the father I want and need him to be. He's never going to admit to any wrongdoing. One of these days, I'm going to stop getting my hopes up. One day, it's going to be too late for anything he does to cause any effect on me.

There has been a letter forming deep within my soul. A letter to my father. A letter that I give to him and he knows just how much he hurt me growing up and now. A letter I wanted to write but never thought I would have the chance to give to him. But I'm going to write that letter. And he's going to get it. And, still, I am holding onto frail hope that this will be the catalyst to change things.
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