I don’t fit in at church. Or at least I don’t feel like I do. I’ve attempted to join small groups, but have never felt fully comfortable and supported in those settings. I feel out of place. And I know 75% of it is me and my tendency to revert into my shell when forced into social settings, especially social settings involving cute boys who love Jesus. (Be still my heart.) I know I don’t put in the full effort, but sometimes I feel like it shouldn’t be this hard. I should be able to find my place in the church without it causing such a hassle on my heart.
The thing is, dating is hard. And it’s even harder when you’re a Christian. I’ve been told before that I shouldn’t have such high standards in seeking a partner, that being a Christian shouldn’t be so high on my list. To which I want to reply, who are you to tell me what to want in my future husband? I want a partner who is just as invested in his walk with Christ as I am, and I will not enter into a relationship where God is not at the center. This is non-negotiable for me.
But I do have high standards. Not only do I want a partner who is a Christian, I also want someone who embraces my idea of waiting for marriage to live together and have sex. It feels like such an archaic idea that nobody believes in anymore, even among the Christian sector. But this idea has been ingrained in me since I was a little girl. It was how I was taught to live and even as I grew older and began experimenting with other things and ways of living, I’ve always come back to this.
I went out on two dates with a guy who is not a Christian for the experience. To find out more about myself and my dating style. To give me confidence and assurance that I’m not going to be alone for the rest of my life. But I also learned that I need to seek out men who identify with my faith. I don’t want to date a bunch of frogs just because that’s what you’re “supposed” to do. I want my dating life to have purpose and meaning. I never wanted to be a casual dater and I don’t think I could ever do that. I take my dating life very seriously, because I want each potential first date to be filled with butterflies and excitement, wondering if I’m meeting my future husband for the first time.
My second date with the guy I mentioned last week went well. But that’s all it went. Well. I didn’t feel that spark or connection. I tried to be as open and charming as I could be, but there wasn’t this need to know more about him and a need to keep the date going for as long as possible. I went from Tuesday until Sunday before talking to him and even then it was a 5-minute conversation. We didn’t talk again until our date on Friday night. I didn’t miss him, didn’t wonder how he was doing. Maybe I’m being too much of a romantic, but I want more from dating. I want someone I can’t get enough of, especially in those first stages of dating.
What this experience showed me is what I want out of dating. I’m glad I put myself out there, even in this small way. It gave me a confidence boost and was exactly what I needed at this point in time. I’m pretty sure I will not be detailing all my date escapades on this blog, because that’s just not the direction I want to take this blog in.
But I do know that I have a lot to offer someone and the right guy will come along someday. I’m just not going to date a lot of frogs to get to him.