Good Days and Bad Days

Some days, being single is easy. It’s fun and I’m completely happy and content in my oneness. I don’t get sad seeing couples around me or hearing about another friend finding love. I feel at ease with my station in life, patiently awaiting the day it will be my turn.

But then those other days arise. They are the days where being single isn’t fun. It isn’t easy. I am not content. Seeing couples and hearing of friends finding love fills me with sadness and jealousy. My hands feel empty without another’s wrapped around it. My body physically aches to have a man to wrap my arms around, put my lips on, open my heart to. I wonder what I’m doing wrong, why love hasn’t become a possibility for me yet, when will it be my turn?

When those bad days come, and I promise it isn’t often, it makes me sit back and wonder how content I am in my singleness. If I’m truly content, should these thoughts even enter my mind? What do they really say about me?

I realize that I am content in my singleness. I am perfectly fine being alone. I don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. I always had a strong suspicion I would spend the majority of my twenties single and, deep down, I don’t think the reason I have been single for so long is because there is something wrong with me. Sure, maybe I haven’t reached out for opportunities to meet guys like people think I should, but I’m okay with that for now. Just like everything in life, I am going to have good days and bad days in singleness. Not every day is happiness and sunshine, just like not every day at your job is filled with happiness or that every run you go on will be awesome. It’s only when the bad days outweigh the good days that you should become worried. It’s when you can’t pick yourself up out of the negativity and find the good.

Sometimes, I have bad days. But mostly, I have good days. I have no doubt I will find love someday, as long as I keep my mind and heart open. For now, I’m happy as a single gal.

On Being a Christian Single

I don’t fit in at church. Or at least I don’t feel like I do. I’ve attempted to join small groups, but have never felt fully comfortable and supported in those settings. I feel out of place. And I know 75% of it is me and my tendency to revert into my shell when forced into social settings, especially social settings involving cute boys who love Jesus. (Be still my heart.) I know I don’t put in the full effort, but sometimes I feel like it shouldn’t be this hard. I should be able to find my place in the church without it causing such a hassle on my heart.

The thing is, dating is hard. And it’s even harder when you’re a Christian. I’ve been told before that I shouldn’t have such high standards in seeking a partner, that being a Christian shouldn’t be so high on my list. To which I want to reply, who are you to tell me what to want in my future husband? I want a partner who is just as invested in his walk with Christ as I am, and I will not enter into a relationship where God is not at the center. This is non-negotiable for me.

But I do have high standards. Not only do I want a partner who is a Christian, I also want someone who embraces my idea of waiting for marriage to live together and have sex. It feels like such an archaic idea that nobody believes in anymore, even among the Christian sector. But this idea has been ingrained in me since I was a little girl. It was how I was taught to live and even as I grew older and began experimenting with other things and ways of living, I’ve always come back to this.

I went out on two dates with a guy who is not a Christian for the experience. To find out more about myself and my dating style. To give me confidence and assurance that I’m not going to be alone for the rest of my life. But I also learned that I need to seek out men who identify with my faith. I don’t want to date a bunch of frogs just because that’s what you’re “supposed” to do. I want my dating life to have purpose and meaning. I never wanted to be a casual dater and I don’t think I could ever do that. I take my dating life very seriously, because I want each potential first date to be filled with butterflies and excitement, wondering if I’m meeting my future husband for the first time.

My second date with the guy I mentioned last week went well. But that’s all it went. Well. I didn’t feel that spark or connection. I tried to be as open and charming as I could be, but there wasn’t this need to know more about him and a need to keep the date going for as long as possible. I went from Tuesday until Sunday before talking to him and even then it was a 5-minute conversation. We didn’t talk again until our date on Friday night. I didn’t miss him, didn’t wonder how he was doing. Maybe I’m being too much of a romantic, but I want more from dating. I want someone I can’t get enough of, especially in those first stages of dating.

What this experience showed me is what I want out of dating. I’m glad I put myself out there, even in this small way. It gave me a confidence boost and was exactly what I needed at this point in time. I’m pretty sure I will not be detailing all my date escapades on this blog, because that’s just not the direction I want to take this blog in.

But I do know that I have a lot to offer someone and the right guy will come along someday. I’m just not going to date a lot of frogs to get to him.

That Time I Went On a Date

I’ve never wanted to be the girl who dates. I don’t read dating blogs, because I don’t identify with them. I just want my future husband to knock on my door, introduce himself, and get down on one knee. Unfortunately, that’s not how the real world works. As much as I want to give up all control and sit back and let God handle my love life, I know I still need to be an active participant in my love story. He’ll guide my path, but I still need to walk along with Him.

I reactivated my OKCupid account in June. I’m still not totally sold on online dating, but I thought I would give it a try. I want to just get out there, see what can happen, and live bigger than I am now. For me, going to a bar with a guy I’ve never met in person on a date is living big.

I was filled with anxiety from the moment we set to date (Friday night) until the moment I met him (Tuesday night). I thought more of canceling it than I did of going there and having a great time. First of all, we met at a place that only served beer. (I hear they serve other stuff, but all I saw was beer.) I got flustered while talking to him on Friday that I just went with the suggestion he chose, never mind that I hate the taste of beer and have no real desire to acquire a taste for it. The date was set for 8:30, which I also tried to make a problem because that’s late for me when I get up at 5:00AM. And it interferes with my exciting Tuesday night plans I have of going to spin class, cooking dinner, and relaxing in front of the TV for a few hours.

I had a major freak out on Monday night that resulted in many tears and questions. The fact that I have been single for so long and date-less for so long has given me a lot of doubts about myself. I know I haven’t been putting forth the effort from my end, so I have nobody to blame but myself. I know this. But it’s hard to put yourself out there when you’ve been disappointed by men your whole life. Still, I had to do it. I had see what could happen.

The date was wonderful. I didn’t stay too long, maybe an hour and a half. He ordered a beer for me, after I told him I don’t drink beer and have no idea what to look for. It was nasty. I took 3 sips. I’m a terrible person to make him pay for that. (And he kept offering to get me a water so he gets 50 bonus points for that.) We went during a trivia night, which offered good entertainment. (Side note: I killed it in the trivia. I should have participated.) The conversation flowed so easily and he was great about asking questions and actually being interested in my answers. We laughed a lot and I was able to be my normal self with him. I didn’t feel self-conscious or weird or bored. I was genuinely happy to be there.

Not once in all the time I thought about my date did I think I would have a good time. I was hopeful I would have fun, but too caught up in my own panic to even think about that possibility.

So where does this leave us now? Well, I have a second date on Friday night. :) 

The biggest thing this date gave me was hope. Hope that I will find love one day, hope that I’m not as messed-up in the relationship department than I imagined, hope that I can open my heart up. Maybe he’ll call, maybe he won’t. But at least I gave it my best shot and I can move forward knowing dating isn’t as scary as it once seemed.