Five Years Later

PROMPT:
Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give yourself for the year ahead? – Jenny Blake

Dear 28-year-old Stephany,

When I think of myself now, five years older than I am while writing this letter, I can’t help but think of how different my life will be. I’ll be on the cusp of turning 30, which feels just plain weird. I still feel perpetually fifteen.

I hope you are happy. I hope you have a job you love and have built a life that fulfills you. You began your 23rd year with very few friends, an unhealthy obsession with food, and low self-esteem. There is a lot I need to learn and a lot I hope to have experienced by the time I turn 28.

What do I want from you? So much. I want you to be healthy, eating food that feels good for your body. I want you to be fit and have found a passionate love for running or any other type of exercise. I want you to be successful, whether it be as a published author or working at a job you love. I want you to be married because frankly, you think about your future husband so much now that still being single five years from now feels defeatist. If you’re not married, I want you to be happy in your singlehood. I want you to not be afraid of starting relationships, be them friendships or romantic relationships. I want your life to be filled with friends and social events. At 23, you’re too filled with fear to do anything about cultivating friendships or being social.

And I want you to remember how you felt as you began Year 2011, at 23. At this time, you were happy, but then again, not-so-happy. You had just began to explore all these feelings that bombard your mind and body multiple times a day and have hesitantly put a label of “anxiety” on what causes them. You will be seeking therapy in the new year and as much as you want to accept that, it feels a little bit like failure. It feels like you aren’t enough to take care of yourself. You are unhealthy and overweight with an obsession with food that is scary. You badly want to find a love for running and healthy eating so let’s hope 2011 is the year that happens. You don’t have very many friends (but I would venture to say that your amazing blog friends more than makes up for that!) and it feels like your family is falling apart, with your 15-year-old twin cousins getting involved in some pretty bad stuff and nobody talking about what’s really going on.

I hope things begin to turn around soon for you. I hope you begin to open up your heart to new relationships, discover what you’re passionate about, and stop hiding from the world. Together, we can do this. We can be happy. We can be healthy. And we can begin to live in freedom.

Love,

Your former 23-year-old self

There’s still time to sign up for the Blogger Book Swap! Sign up by December 31st to be on the list!

Ten Years Ago

PROMPT:
Write a note to yourself ten years ago. What would you tell your younger self? – Jenny Blake

Dear 13-year-old Stephany,

I wish I could take you in my arms and give you a great big hug right now. You’re going through a lot. It feels as if the world is on your shoulders and the things you are going through are monstrous. You don’t like to admit it, but you suffer from low self-esteem and feeling like you don’t belong.

But I promise you, things are not as bad as they seem. In fact, compared to some 13-year-olds, you have it good. You have friends, a mother who would do anything for you, and great family. You are doing well in school and it all seems to come easy for you. Maybe you’re not the popular girl and I know how much you want to have Scott or Dustin notice you. It’s tough being a teenager and middle school is hard. You are a sensitive, quiet soul but it’s hard to embrace that part of yourself when all you want is to be loud and exciting, like all the popular girls.

The biggest advice I can give to you is that it will get better. The world may feel like it’s ending but this time is just a small blip of your life. You will grow up, grow into your skin, and embrace who you are. One day, you will realize it is OK to be quiet and shy. You will find that your best friend you could ever have is staring you right in the face. And that being single is not the end of the world.

The only thing you want right now is to have a boyfriend. You want to be one of those girls walking down the halls of middle school with her hand wrapped tight in a boy’s and whom the whole school knows as “the couple”. Trust me that you will be happy you stayed single. And guess what? Aside from a short one-month stint as a girlfriend, you’ll be single throughout high school. You will hate it then, but when you hit college, you will be oh-so-happy you held true to your beliefs and values. That you didn’t jump into a relationship because it was the thing to do. It would have been so easy to fall into a relationship and lose the essence of who you are. You can enter your twenties knowing you are not afraid to be alone and that you are becoming the woman you were meant to be, with or without a man by your side. It’s hard right now, and it’s going to be hard ten years from now, but God has His hand in your romance and He will guide your path. Trust Him on this one, because it’s going to save you a lot of heartache.

Over the next ten years, you’re going to learn a lot about your father and none of it good. For over two and a half of those ten years, he’ll either be in jail or prison. At this point in time, you know your dad isn’t one of the good guys but you still believe he can change and that he loves you unconditionally. You’ll soon realize this isn’t true and I wish I could spare you from the heartbreak that he will eventually cause. Hold on to that pure love you have for him now because soon, it will all change.

I promise things are going to get better, Stephany. Things look bleak now and at age thirteen, all you want is to be surrounded by great friends and adored by a cute boy. You’re going to get through this. You’re going to grow up and learn to accept who you are, even if the people around you don’t. You will find where you belong.

Just remember to stay true to who you are, keep your family close, and don’t worry so much about what others think about you. These people are not going to be around in 10 years and you will find that they didn’t matter in the least. Trust me, Stephany. I’m a little older and wiser. Things will get better. You will get through this teenage melodrama. And you will learn to love yourself.

Love,
Your future 23-year-old self

Action

Prompt:
When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step? (Scott Belsky)

I love making goals. For a while, I was making monthly goals but stopped once I feared my blog was becoming more of a goal journal than a blog. In 2010 alone, I wrote about goals 13 times. That equals to twice a month I was either setting goals or talking about them. I have some big goals for my life, big goals for 2011. I want to lose weight, graduate college, become more independent, branch out more.

While at Disney World last month, I saw a sign with a quote by Walt Disney. It read, “The way to get started is quit talking and begin doing.” I want 2011 to be the year I began to chase after my goals and put them into action. I want to stop talking about my goals and start living them out. I have big goals, yes. But they are all achievable and start with putting my foot into a different direction.

Sometimes, I feel as if I’m stuck in stagnation until I graduate in May. It’s not true, but I feel like I’m just waiting until then to begin my life.

But there are so many steps I can take before then. So what’s my next step? It’s to change my entire thought process about food and exercise. Eating right has been such a struggle my entire life and has become even harder as I grow up and take control over my own food choices. Most times, I scoff at people who seem to be able to eat right 24/7, saying it’s “not for me.” That thought process has got to stop. I have to start believing I can become a health nut and that some food is wreaking havoc on my body. And also on my mind.

I also want to begin thinking differently about exercise. The truth is, I feel awesome when I’m exercising. I feel as if I’m finally taking steps in the right direction and just the feel of sweat feels good. I’m not sure I have any specific exercise goals for 2011, but I just want it to become a more natural part of my day. I want my mood to be reflected on whether or not I exercised that day.

I want to end 2011 as a completely different person. I hope it doesn’t seem vain when I say I want to look completely different on the outside. I want to have more energy and feel better. I want to be thinner and stop flinching every time someone looks at my belly, hoping they don’t ask the pregnancy question. (Which, by the way, I was asked about on Monday. Whee!) I just want to look at my body and be proud of it. I’m not, because I don’t take the time to be good to it.

What is your next step to attaining your goals?

Don’t forget to sign up for the Blogger Book Swap!

Different. In a Good Way.

December 8th Reverb10 Prompt: Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Karen Walrond)

I can easily attest that I am different than normal 23-year-olds. But mostly, I don’t think of that different in a funky, off-the-wall way. I think of it in a negative way. I am different, but I want to be just like them. I am different, but I’m not happy being so.

It’s funny because as out of place as I feel in the real world, I feel so much more acceptance and unity from the blog community. I open Google Reader and I find people who are just like me. We may not be exactly alike (who is?), but there are so many facets of your personalities that mesh perfectly with mine. I’m finding that maybe it’s not so bad to be different. And I’m learning to accept my difference. Such as…

• …being a homebody and loving nights in way more than nights out.
  
• …knowing that curling up with a good book is one of my favorite ways to spend a weekend.
  
• …being obsessed with running, thinking about running, and worried over pace calculations.
  
• …not having any inclination in my body to drink. Whether it be beer or wine or mixed drinks, there’s nothing in it for me. I just don’t like the taste and I’m not afraid to admit that.
  
• …being health-conscious and focused on what’s good for my body, not just for a short while, but for my life.
  
• …realizing that being health-conscious is really, really hard and rife with struggles and ups and downs.
  
• …having a best friend in my mother and knowing that spending time with her keeps me sane.
  
• …finding out that being an introvert is a part of me, as much as my green eyes. And I’m learning to love this.
  
• …having a huge network of support and knowing these words I’m writing down will be read by people who love me. You guys are my favorites. All of you.

This Community

December 7th Reverb10 Prompt: Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Cali Harris)

Here. At this little blog. I can’t say I’m embarrassed or ashamed to admit that I have more online friends than real life friends. Or that they know me better and more deeply than even those who have known me for years do.

I worry a lot about meeting someone I’ve known from the blog world in real life because I fear the real me is a lot boring than it shows on my blog. It’s not that I’m fake on my blog, I’m just a lot more open and trusting with my words. Having this blog has been a sort of therapy. I have talked about some really tough issues and tried to be as transparent with you as I can be. I have a hard time doing this in my real life, so being able to do so here has been a blessing.

In doing so, I have met so many wonderful people. Some of you have become my closest friends and biggest supporters. I’ve learned so much about myself through this process of growing my blog. And reading your blogs has showed me a whole new world. I have learned so much from your blogs and I can’t wait to see what’s coming up in 2011 for all of us.

For 2011, my wish is to be more present in my community. While I’m not sure what the future holds after college, but I do know I want to be involved in whatever city I’m living in. Last month, I joined a book club group from meetup.com. I haven’t actually attended the book club yet, because I’m basically scared to death. But I will. I promise. (January? Can I wait until January?) And since they do more than just the monthly book club meeting, like movie and dinner dates, I know it would be a great way to get out there and start experiencing my community. I need to stop living in my bubble and step outside my comfort zone. While it’s easy living in my bubble, it’s also a little scary to think of all the opportunities I am letting pass me by because I’m not out there to grab them.

Tell me, what community would you like to be join in 2011?

Letting Go

The December 5th prompt for Reverb10 was absolutely perfect for me. Written by author Alice Bradley, the prompt reads: “What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?”

This year, I had to let go of my father.

For the past few years, my dad had been a negative influence in my life. Actually, he had been a negative influence for most of my life but it was just in the past few years where I had noticed how it was affecting my well-being. I began to see how it was making me doubt myself and my abilities, as he continuously doubted both.

We went a year without speaking. After my birthday in 2007, I decided to do a little test: see how long it would take my father to call me. Usually, it was me calling him, me making plans, with no effort on his part. He claimed he lost my phone number, but he had my brother’s and called him frequently. The next time he contacted me was through a Facebook message on his girlfriend’s page. (We weren’t friends, but she requested me and he wrote a message.) Thus started the process of repairing our relationship. I wrote him a nice, long e-mail telling him how he had hurt me only to receive a nasty reply e-mail, laying the blame back on me.

I knew he would never change. I knew he would remain a toxic, negative influence in my life. So I decided to end the relationship.

It’s been a hard, painful process, and I still don’t think I’ve fully wrapped my head around this. For the longest time, I wondered what I had to offer anyone. I mean, if the one man who is supposed to love and cherish you the most thinks you’re worthless, how can I have a successful relationship with a man? I’m slowly beginning to realize that my dad is the one with the problem. He has a gambling addiction and an immature attitude towards life. It has nothing to do with me. I am still an amazing human being. I am special. I am loved. I am incredibly worthwhile. His feelings towards me are false.

I’m not sure where to move on from here, but I do know I have a new purpose in life. I have a new attitude. I know I have a lot to offer and I’m ready to leave my dad firmly in the past. It still hurts to see women with incredible relationships with their fathers but I know a lot has to change on his part for me to ever welcome him back into my life. He no longer has a powerful hold over my life.

I had to let go of my dad this year. And, in turn, I am embracing a brand-new, more confident me.

Challenge & Risk

Challenge

If I were to sum up 2010 in one word, it would be this one. This has been a year rife with challenges, big and small. From designing an entire magazine to dealing with my grandma’s cancer diagnosis to ending the relationship with my father, it hasn’t been easy. I have been challenged. I have been tested. It has been a rollercoaster of a year but I can firmly say that I won. I beat the challenges. I was tested and I succeeded. It wasn’t easy. I doubted myself again and again and again. I fought it. But I have shown myself how strong I am. While I may not believe in myself, I am getting there. This year has helped me to see what I am capable of.

Risk

I want 2011 to be the year of risks. My post yesterday talked a lot about how I’m shutting myself off from risks because I’m too afraid I don’t have what it takes. I want this thinking to stop. I want to stop thinking I can’t do something and instead believe in myself. Fear and anxiety has had a stronghold over my life for the past few years and it’s time to break free. I know there’s a confident, vibrant woman inside of me and she’s so ready to be unleashed.

I’m writing this post for reverb10, an online initiative to reflect on this past year and manifest on what’s to come in the next year. Daily prompts can be found here.