Holiday Week: Memories

Last year, I completed my first Holiday Week on my blog. I got the idea from Nora. A week of holiday posts, writing about whatever your heart desires. Beginning my second year with a list of memories from Christmas’s past that fill me with utter joy and glee whenever I reminisce about them.

> Staying up an entire Christmas Eve night/Christmas morning with my brother when we were in middle school. I ended up falling asleep at 10:00am the next morning, but we were so proud of ourselves because we had tried to do this for so many years. The key was to watch loud, action movies. They kept us awake and our minds busy.

> Waking up one Christmas morning to seeing two bikes parked in the kitchen/dining room by our sliding glass doors. Mine was pink with pretty sparkly streamers. I can still remember how surprised and excited I was to see my bike.

> Waking our parents up at 6am to open presents and my dad tiredly saying, rubbing sleep from his eyes, “Happy Christmas and Merry New Year.”

> Going to the mall one evening in December with my brother when we were in high school to buy her Christmas presents. Coming home and stealing away to my room to wrap the presents. Coming out with the wrapped gifts to place them under the twinkling tree. Annnnd forgetting to throw away the bags everything came in so she saw the stores we bought things from. (Talk about a major joy killer!)

> Finding a mysterious large box in my walk-in closet that my brother and I grilled my mom about all throughout December. She insisted it was a gift for my cousin my uncle had asked her to keep. Turns out? It was our very first computer. Best gift ever.

> The anticipation of counting down to Christmas, whether it be in my classroom (we usually made paper links) or with a Christmas countdown at home. Getting to the single-digit days were exciting.

> Dressing up the Christmas tree with mismatched ornaments, many created by my brother and me.

> Creating the most hideous Christmas cookies with as much frosting, sprinkles, and M&M’s as we could.

> Being given the “Toys R Us” catalog and circling all the toys I wanted.

> Waking up on Christmas morning to see the cookies and milk my brother and I left for Santa gone, and a letter written by him in its place.

> Candlelight services at church. They never fail to fill me with Christmas spirit and remind me of the real reason this time is so special.

> Making my first gingerbread house, even if it was put together wrong and a wall began caving in minutes after I finished decorating it.

What’s one holiday memory that you have from your own childhood?

Everyday Moments: September 2011

September. What can I say about September? Nothing extraordinary happened. I finished boot camp, celebrated my brother and nephew’s birthdays, and started to feel more at home in my new job. I no longer sit in meetings and have no clue what’s going on and the spreadsheets are not intimidating me anymore. I’m getting to know our contacts and they are getting to know me. It’s a good feeling.

My eating habits weren’t the best and my weight loss has really stalled. I’m trying not to beat myself up about it, but it’s very hard. Still, I’m trying and that’s all I can ask of myself.

I’ve been debating all month if I want to try my hand at NaNoWriMo in November. My life was always filled with midterms and tests that I could never accomplish it in years prior. But if I keep saying I don’t have time to write, I’ll never get a book written.

Without further ado, though, here are the little things that made me happy this month. (Inspired by Kathleen.)

1 - Shopping trip at Target

2 - The “launch” of my new blog theme

3 - Finally cleaning out my junk drawer and my closet. It felt awesome to get rid of so much stuff I have no need for anymore.

4 - Spending a few hours at Typhoon Lagoon in Orlando.

5 - Finishing the Harry Potter series.

6 - Coming home after a full 8-hour day instead of spending an hour at the gym. For once, it was a nice, relaxing evening!

7 - Fresh-baked cookies.

8 - First game of the NFL season and it was a good one.

9 - Having a delicious strawberry-mango margarita with dinner. Best margarita I’ve ever had!

10 - Lunch date with my old work BFF. Also, Pinkberry peanut butter and chocolate froyo with every unhealthy topping I could fit in my bowl. SO MUCH YUM!

11 - The first Football Sunday of the NFL season.

12 - Finishing boot camp! Without a smile on my face, but I finished.

13 - My first Body Pump class in 6 weeks. It was tough, but such a good change.

14 - Rachel winning Big Brother!

15 - Celebrating my brother’s 25th birthday

16 - Deciding to take a break from Twitter, Facebook, and keeping up with a strict blogging schedule.

17 - Baking homemade chocolate cupcakes.

18 - Another Sunday, camped out on the couch, watching football. No. There isn’t anything better than that. (Also? Hi, future husband. My name is Stephany and I am SUCH A CATCH. Geez.)

19 - Going to bed at 9:45pm. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve gone to bed THAT early!

20 - Being so busy at work, I needed to make a to-do list to keep track of everything. I reserve the right to complain about being TOO busy one day, but for now, I love it. It’s so much better than not having much to do/not knowing what I need to do.

21 - One of our freelance designers dropping off yummy treats from a bakery. I ate what was quite possibly the best brownie I have ever had.

22 - The new fall TV schedule. I’m not sure how I’ll keep up with it, but it’s nice to have my shows back.

23 - Carrabba’s for dinner

24 - All of Dutch’s routine blood work coming back normal.

25 - My nephew running around Chuck E. Cheese dressed as Spider-Man during his third birthday party

26 - Winning Fantasy Football this week. I’ve done terribly the past two weeks, but I caught a break this week! Woo!

27 - Cookie dough. There’s nothing in the world like it.

28 - Finishing The Help. The movie was fantastic and so was the book. (Review to come!)

29 - Emails and messages from friends who get it.

30 - Laughing with my nephew. I am SO excited about this new age he’s in. So much fun!

Happy October!

Everyday Moments: August 2011

Instead of my usual monthly recap posts, I wanted to copy something Kathleen has been doing for the past few months. Finding little happiness in the every day moments of the month. Here we go!

1 - VEDA starts

2 - Being told that I could make Friday my last day, instead of the following Tuesday like I thought.

3 - Boot camp being easier than it was on Monday.

4 - A needed nap

5 - Last day of work!

6 - A pedicure and shopping for my new job

7 - Sleepover with my nephew

8 - Being awoken by my nephew chanting, “Titi Steph! Titi Steph!”

9 - A much-needed day of nothing. No work, no to-dos to complete, just rest and relaxation.

10 - An amazing first day at work

11 - NFL preseason kicks off

12 - Leaving work for lunch for the first time. It felt so nice to be out in the sunshine and fresh air that I need to make it more of a habit.

13 - Seeing my mom reach Lifetime status on Weight Watchers again

14 - A beautiful 3-hour nap

15 - Finishing a boot camp class, even when I felt like I was going to pass out since I didn’t fuel correctly beforehand

16 - Finding out there is a Chick-Fil-A half a mile from my work. Score!

17 - Being more busy at work. I’m still doing a lot of clerical tasks, but it’s something!

18 - Being known as a regular in spin class.

19 - Finishing my first 40-hour work week

20 - Seeing Crazy, Stupid, Love and falling back in love with Ryan Gosling. And his abs.

21 - Spectating at my mom’s 5K and being so proud of her. She ran on the most hilly course I’ve ever been on (I ran the course last year) and was less than 30 seconds behind her PR. She rocks my socks.

22 - Getting bragged on by my boss

23 - Snuggles with Dutch.

24 - Scoring free tickets to see “The Help”, which also meant I got out of boot camp. Score! (Side note: movie was amazing. Everyone needs to see it.)

25 - #SummerofHarry chat, talking about Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

26 - My first time speaking up in a meeting

27 - A day of shopping, including buying a new pair of “running” shoes (calling them sneakers or tennis shoes makes me feel like I’m eight). My last pair I bought last September so I was desperately in need of new ones!

28 - Fantasy football draft party with my brother

29 - My brother coming over to pick up some things and having dinner with him. Weekday dinners with him are few and far-between and I loved it so much.

30 - Feeling so completely sore from boot camp, from my triceps to my upper back to my butt to my ankles. I was beat up on Monday night and it feels so good to be sore like this.

31 - Chick-Fil-A for lunch. I spent all morning filing and labeling folders, so I needed a comfort food break.

A Recap of July

 

July was pretty darn awesome. May was probably my favorite month of them all, but July is a very, very close second.

The month started with a fun weekend trip to Orlando for my mom’s birthday. She rarely does anything for her birthday and we needed a weekend away. We visited two water parks, shopped multiple times at Orlando’s amazing outlet mall -- which included a Vera Bradley and Loft outlet. I die. --, and had an amazing, relaxing time. I love hotels and just being in them feels like such a getaway.

July was the month I began to seriously discover online dating. Honestly, the whole dating thing seems tiresome and frustrating so it was never something I wanted to do. But I’ve started to realize how much I am holding myself back and online dating seems like the best option for me to put myself out there. Who knows what will come of it, but for the first time in my life, I am happy with how my “romantic” life is looking. (Not that a lot of romance is happening, persay...) Usually, I’m just frustrated with myself but I’m finally happy with my decisions and beginning to see I’m a pretty darn good catch.

This summer has been a weird one, for many reasons. There has been a lot of stuff happening lately that has made me take a deep, long look at my life and see who is adding positively to it and who is adding negatively to it. I’ve learned that family doesn’t always have your back and sometimes, amazing friendships can blossom online. I’ve learned that I’m not as reserved and shy as I think I am and letting my personality shine through during first encounters is important. I’ve learned I need to take a more active role in my life and stop letting past experience dictate my present.

I think the most exciting part of July happened last week when I was offered a job. The job search is finally over and I can begin my professional life! I am just so excited to begin this new journey and I think it’s going to cause me to grow in incredible ways. I will be working as a media assistant for a small company, assisting with marketing and advertising tasks. I begin August 10th and I couldn’t be more excited! Since my work wardrobe for the past two-and-a-half years has been loose khakis and oversized polos, I can’t even tell you how excited I am to begin shopping for cute business casual clothes and looking more professional on a daily basis!

I’m incredibly excited to see what August holds for me - a new career, another chance at VEDA, and spending time figuring out how to make the best life for me. Next month feels like it’s the beginning of something amazing and I can’t wait to discover it.

So…June? That Was It?

I don’t have much to say about June. These past 30 days have flown by without much happening. I’ve been working, applying to jobs, exercising, and trying to enjoy this season in my life. Scratch that. I haven’t been enjoying it. I’ve been worrying and stressing and wondering what’s wrong with me-ing. But what June has taught me that all I can do is play the waiting game. Do what I can to improve my resume and cover letter writing skills. Seek out better places to apply at (i.e., not only popular job search engines like Monster and Career Builder). Begin networking. But above all that, just trying to enjoy this time as I know soon my weeks will be filled with 40-hour work weeks, projects, challenges, and mind-numbing learning and training. (Although, to be honest, that sounds much better than what I do with my weeks now.)

One thing I’ve been learning in the past few months is that I’m not a child anymore. I know that seems like such a silly statement coming from a twenty-three-year-old, but I have a tendency to cling to the past and forget that I am an Adult and can do Adult Things. (Not, adult adult things. Well, I can do that but that’s not what I’m talking about. Ahem. Moving on.) I’ve started to take more action with my finances, with meal planning, with standing up for myself. This was most apparent when I had to confront someone at work. I said my piece, which terrified me, and the result was not pleasant. But it was a big moment for me. I’ve never been known as the girl you don’t mess with. I’m quiet and shy, keeping to myself. This was the opposite of who I’ve become and it’s exciting. I only hope I can continue to capture opportunities to stand up for myself and make my voice known.

Weight loss seemed to stall this month. May was a terrible month where I seemed to be in vacation mode the entire time. June was my month to get back on track. My mom and I started going to a new meeting, with our old leader. The meeting is farther away but we were a little fed up with our other meeting. The leader was also great, but the people were stuck on being perfect. The meeting we’re in now is so much better. The people there are real and struggle. It’s refreshing. That said, my weight loss wasn’t impressive but I’m determined to get on the right track. And really, that’s all that matters. I know I’m still going to struggle, have bad weeks and good weeks (bad months and good months), but all that really matters is that I get back on the horse and keep on truckin’.

I think one of the most exciting moments of June was when an impromptu #winetoreach was started on a Friday night and then the topic of Harry Potter was brought up. I mentioned I had never seen any of the movies and only read the first two books. Luckily, I wasn’t the only one but it caused a lot of shock and horror. And caused Erin to come up with the ridiculously awesome plan of reading through the entire Harry Potter series this summer. The plan is absolutely nuts but Erin has reminded me that these are children’s literature and fast reads. I trust her and I’m totally up for the challenge. (We’re also discussing the books on Thursday nights on Twitter, 10:00 p.m. EST.) So far, I’ve read through the first book and I’m halfway through the second. And guys? These books are good.

How did your June pan out?

30DC: Week Five

High school was hard for me. I’m sure I didn’t have it as bad as some people. I had friends, I had a Homecoming date, and I was moderately happy. As happy as one can be while being a teenager. I had some major self-esteem issues and always wished I was more outgoing so making friends wasn’t so hard for me. Luckily, I transferred to a charter school in 11th grade where I met the most fabulous group of girls ever. They were exactly what I needed.

The people I went to high school with for 9th and 10th grade were a little messed-up. Ninth grade was especially hard. It was tough being a new high-schooler with a whole new set of friends, learning how to survive in that environment. One thing that really stood out for me was a girl who was touted as a modern-day hero after her stint in a mental hospital. She had been placed in a straitjacket and kept in the hospital over the weekend and when she came back, she was all smiles and stories. She told everyone about what happened and everyone was so impressed.

You see, it was the thing to be suicidal/depressed. It was cool to be “dark and twisty,” if I want to use a Grey’s Anatomy reference. I saw girls freely flaunting their sliced wrists and arms. I remember one friend in particular who had three long lines of cut marks in a row on each arm. They were deep, but perfect. (In proportion.)

Listening to dark music, wearing dark clothes, having a perpetual frown on your face. That is what made you cool.

At first, I tried to play along. I tried to be as dark and twisty as others. Once, I even posted an AIM away message with the words of a song that spoke of suicide, which my brother (just 16 at the time) saw and questioned me about. My brother has never been one to go with the crowd and I admire so much his ability to always do the right thing, always do the moral thing, even when people around him aren’t. I would have been lost without him in high school.

It wasn’t until I was sitting in the tub one night, eyeing my razor and wondering if I could be as brave as the people in school and cut myself. Brave. This is what I thought they were. I didn’t even know why people were cutting themselves, I just wanted to be one of the crowd. And I tried it. I took my razor and tried my hardest to make a tiny cut, but I just couldn’t go through with it. I couldn’t be like them. Suicide and cutting is not a popularity contest. It’s not a game. It’s real life and it’s scary.

I have never been depressed or suicidal in my life. I have someone in my life who is right now and it’s scary to be on the outskirts of it, not knowing how you can help or what tomorrow may hold for them. What was going on in my high school was sad. These girls were just trying to fit in and while I have no doubt some of them were indeed depressed, it became a game of who was worse.

I’ve never shared this story, because sometimes I’m embarrassed at how far I almost went to fit in. I never fully “embraced” what they were doing, but at the same time I admired them. But that’s the way it goes when you’re 15 years old. I was blessed to have a brother who remains one of my biggest role models and supporters. I’m not sure he even knows the extent to how he helped me see how going with the crowd and fitting in somewhere you don’t belong can be detrimental.

I love my life. It’s not the perfect life. I have my issues and there are many things I want to change. But I know I am strong enough to overcome anything and I hold the power to change.

Suicide is nothing to play around with. It’s not a game. For many people, it’s a daily struggle to survive. I cannot imagine living that way and I hope to never experience it.

Three Years

Minnie was a surprise.

I didn’t believe my mom at first when she told my brother and I that we were getting a dog. It was something I had hoped for, wished for, but never really believed it would happen. Secretly, my mom and my dad had been visiting the local SPCA shelter and already had the paperwork to prove that Minnie would be ours soon.

I was in fourth grade, my brother in fifth. I remember leaving school early, driving to the animal shelter to pick her up. She was beautiful. She sat on my mom’s lap as we drove home and immediately found her spot on a blanket laying on the floor the moment she walked into the door. In that moment, she stole all of our hearts and we would never be the same.

Over the next 11 years, Minnie was one of the best friends I’ve ever had. She slept in my bed every night, taking up as much space as she could. She would greet us at the door with something in her mouth, be it a shoe, a sock, or a receipt, anything laying by the door. She liked hugs and kisses after being away from us, but was always content to lay in her bed while we watched TV.

She was a good dog. We could walk around in a public park without a leash on her and she would stay by our side, no matter what. My dad trained her and he did an amazing job. We could let her outside in the front yard and she would never leave, only scratching at the door when she was done. She would sit by the door and stare us down when she had to go outside. Sometimes, it would get so uncomfortable that we would leave in the middle of watching TV to take her out.

She was easily frightened by loud noises and yelling. Dutch is the total opposite, looking at you disdainfully when there’s yelling. Minnie always thought the problems lie with her so she would slink down real low, tail behind her legs, offering her apologies when most times, she wasn’t the one at fault. It was the most pitiful thing.

In April of 2008, I was giving Minnie a hug and petting her when I noticed her throat felt like there were two lumps. I had my mom feel them and we set up a doctor’s appointment right away. The vet didn’t have good news. Shaking his head and tsk-ing, he let us know that Minnie had most likely developed lymphoma. At best, she had 2 years left and that’s if we pursued surgery and chemotherapy. He gave her a shot to “help with the pain” but I know in my heart, it was the wrong decision. Within a few hours, Minnie was different. Lethargic, unhappy. She wasn’t the same.

We took her to a specialist, who confirmed our fears. She had lymphoma. Chemotherapy could help, but it wouldn’t prolong her life for more than two years and there wasn’t any guarantee of that. So we made the tough decision to let her live out the rest of her days, until her quality of life diminished too far. Those next two weeks were the hardest of my life. It was so tough to see her go from a lively, fun dog who would greet us at the door full of energy, jump on the couch to cuddle while watching TV to a shell of the dog she was. She had a spot on the floor she only moved from to go outside. Every step she took was painful and every night, she would moan in pain. I don’t know how I could go through that again. I don’t know how it didn’t absolutely kill me from the inside with her. 

It was June 8, 2008 when we decided we had to do what was best for her. We took Minnie to an emergency pet center to put her down. It was so difficult to hold her in my arms, a 25-pound sick dog, knowing this would be the last time I held her. The last time I looked into her furry face and saw my love reflected. When we went home, she would not be there for the first time in 11 years. I couldn’t be in the room when it happened. I left a split second before it happened. I hate myself for that. I hate that I left her. I hate that I couldn’t be there in those final seconds.

Minnie was an amazing dog. I feel blessed that she was my first dog and attached herself to my heart so solidly. I knew it would be difficult to replace her, but Dutch has done his part in restoring my heart. Still, Minnie will always be that first dog, the first one who taught me what love looks like.

May, you were good to me. Let’s meet again soon.

How is it already May 30? I feel like I was just submitting my last school assignment and preparing for graduation.

May was an amazing month for me. One of the best I’ve ever had.

It started off with me sending off my last assignment, a take-home final exam, and then worrying myself silly that I would somehow fail a class. Although there was a mix-up regarding my final short story, it all worked out and my final grades were what I expected. (And I just received an official letter congratulating me on my diploma, but I still don’t think I will be fully relaxed until I have that diploma displayed on my wall.)

May was the month I went on my first interview, only to be sorely disappointed the job was for door-to-door sales. And as my job search has yielded no positive feedback, sometimes I let myself wonder if I should’ve tried harder to get that job. But I also know that it is a job I would’ve hated and I need to keep searching until I find a job that fits me better. I’m not idealistic in the sense that I have to find my dream job, but I’m also not going to accept a job doing something I don’t like.

Two big things happened in May: I graduated from college and went on a five-day Western Caribbean cruise.

My graduation was amazing. Simply fantastic. It was a culmination of 7 years of hard work and lots of stress. I went through a lot to obtain my degree, including being oh so close to graduating with my education degree. I think I made the right decision in switching, even though it probably threw a lot of people for a loop. It was exciting to be surrounded by the people I had seen throughout my 2.5 years as a journalism major because they all get it. There are times when I just think, I don’t have to be a student ever again if I don’t want to. But mostly, I think, hm, graduate school? Maybe someday.

And then there’s my cruise. It was one of the best experiences of my life and it’s all I can do not to click back onto the Carnival site to find another cruise. I’m officially a fan and I will find myself on another ship before 2011 is over. I have so many pictures to show you guys and so many stories to tell you about. From kissing sting rays in the Cayman Islands, touring Mayan ruins in Cozumel, and waking up each morning to an amazing view of the ocean, I’m very sad my vacation is over. (And so not excited to go back to work tomorrow after a lovely 10 days off!)

I’m not sure how June will ever live up to May. Perhaps if I’m offered a job?

How was your May? What stood out for you?

So Long, April

April was a busy month for me. And it showed in the fact that I only posted six times. For me, that’s not a lot. My entire April seemed to be wrapped up in school and finishing up assignments that blogging fell by the wayside. It happens.

April was about school. It was crunch time to get all my assignments completed. I knew I had to complete my final draft of my short story, complete a bunch of quizzes and blogs for my online lit class, and take two Spanish exams. For my senior seminar course, I had a mock interview and a professional website to finish. It was going to be a busy month. And let’s just add on anxiety that I would fail a class or something would happen that would cause me not to graduate. It was a worrisome month.

But I got through it with hard work and determination. I set aside an entire weekend to fix my short story and make it a million times better than it had previously. (And my second read-through went a lot better, as well, with my classmates telling me how much they enjoyed this second version.) I set aside time daily to work on my website and make it look as professional and unique as I could, using a free template. I began studying a week in advance for my Spanish tests to make sure I knew the vocabulary and verb tenses backwards and forwards. Any extra time left over was used for my literature class.

I’m ending April on a good note. All of my work is done and I did the best job I could. Next Sunday, I will be walking across a stage to receive my diploma and it will all have been worth it.

April was also the month of the IronGirl race. It was the month I should have been able to declare myself a half-marathoner, but I ran the 5K instead. It was a great race and I had a blast. I ran my fastest 5K yet and it proved to me how strong and capable I can be when I put my mind to it.

Easter was made more special by seeing it through the eyes of my nephew, who is two-and-a-half. We dyed eggs with him and hunted for Easter eggs. Kids just make the holiday so much more fun and he was especially thrilled whenever he saw an “Eter Vony” (Easter Bunny). The day was pretty low-key, with dinner at my grandparent’s house and spending the night curled up on the couch, watching TV.

I started applying for jobs in April. And worked a lot on my resume. At the beginning, it was pretty awful and I had a sweet Twitter friend who helped me to make it sound and look better. I only applied to three jobs: two involving human resources and one involving marketing. I was called in for an interview for the marketing job and today, I am in the midst of the second round of interviews. This is big and I am desperately praying that God grants me this job. I mean, how awesome would it be to already have a job lined up before I graduate?

As for weight loss, it was a pretty stellar month for me as I lost 4 pounds this month. It puts me at 12 pounds total and I am finally beginning to see the difference. Some pants are fitting looser and my clothes are looking better on me. Seeing the results in the mirror is sometimes better than seeing the results on the scale. And while I’m not counting on May to be a big weight loss month (uh...I’m going to count it as a success if I only gain 5 pounds during my cruise...), I’m still hoping to stay on plan and keep a consistent exercise pattern.

May is going to be a busy month for me but I’m excited about it. It marks my graduation, cruise, and hopefully a job offer. I am so ready for May!

What exciting things are happening for you in May?

March Wrap-Up

March was about recovering, school assignments, and taking risks. Since my word for 2011 is risk, I’m actually very pleased with how this month has panned out for me. There were still many other opportunities to put myself out there that I didn’t seize, but it’s a work in progress.

March was welcomed in while I was on the tail-end of my shingles virus, finally starting to feel like myself again (and starting to put on clothes and not cringing every time they rubbed against my blisters). It was an odd way to welcome in the month, but not as odd as the last day of March, in which my area got hit with torrential downpour and tornadoes. Luckily, the tornadoes happened west of me but I heard stories of roofs being ripped off houses, trees uprooted, and fences falling down in neighborhoods and streets I am very familiar with. Tornadoes are not common where I live, so it was definitely a wild day!

But let’s recap March, shall we?

• A photo shoot. I met up with someone who is quickly becoming a great friend to me to take professional, graduation pictures. I’ve never before done a photo shoot and Emily was the best at making me feeling comfortable and taking some pretty fantastic pictures. Anyone who is my friend on Facebook can see the whole slew of them. It was really hard choosing my favorites and the ones to put in my graduation announcements!
  
• Reading my short story aloud. Although I’ve always wanted to be a fiction writer, I’ve never thought about the process of writing, editing, and having people critique your story. At first, I thought it would be hard for me to take criticism. I tend to take any kind of criticism, even helpful criticism, to heart and for people to critique my writing? I was just hoping it didn’t turn me into a ball of tears. I wanted to be strong enough to take it as it is: a way to make my story better and stronger. And I did that. I took criticism from blog readers (and lots of compliments!) and from my classmates. I read my story aloud, even as my heart beat a million miles a minute and my face burned through it all. I didn’t fall apart. The world didn’t end. I have one more reading to complete, but since I’ve already shown myself I can get through this, I know I can do it again.
  
• A struggle for weight loss. This month was not my month for weight loss. I went up and down on the losing/gaining spectrum, settling in at 2 pounds lost this month, 8 pounds total. But since I was dealing with shingles and an influx of school assignments, I’m taking the positives I’ve developed this month and running with them: I’ve begun to limit my soda intake, I’ve stuck with the program even when it feels incredibly hard and I’m not motivated, and I’m still at a loss. Two pounds is two pounds.
  
• Prioritizing my life, once again. I can easily get so caught up in things that don’t matter. Right now, my most important focus lays in school and weight loss, as well as making sure I don’t burn myself out. Usually, the first thing to fall when I get busy and need to prioritize my life is blogging but this time around, I’ve begun to see how much blogging means to me and I need to have a place to write daily. What I realized, during a long walk one day, is how I’m letting Twitter take over my life most days. I’m constantly connected to it, always scrolling through my feed, making sure I catch every important tweet and conversation happening. There’s a lot more I could say about this, but I’ll leave it at this: I needed to break away from being constantly connected to Twitter and I will say I’ve done a pretty good job at leaving my TweetDeck application and Ubersocial app closed lately. And the world hasn’t ended.
  
• A new gadget. My Kindle arrived last week and it was love at first sight. I’m already wondering why it took me so long to jump on the e-reader bandwagon, because it’s such an amazing little gadget. AMAZING!

February Wrap-Up

February has been a pretty lackluster month. It's been filled with training runs, homework, work, and classes. It's also been a pretty beautiful month, weather wise. We had a brief cold spell where the temps dropped into the 50s. (I KNOW! And we complained. We are winter wimps.) Other than that, it's been hitting the upper 70s most days with a slight breeze - perfect weather.

Looking back, February has had it's share of ups and downs...

• The Green Bay Packers won the Superbowl. I was really rooting for the Packers to win, mainly because I think Aaron Rodgers is adorable but also because the Steelers have won enough and it's time for some fresh faces! It was a great game with an awesome outcome. (But it's not looking good for a 2011 NFL season. I'm getting worried.)
• My mom and I booked our cruise! I'm over-the-moon thrilled about our upcoming cruise in late May and cannot wait to travel a little! I've never been out of the Eastern timezone so I think it's going to be a memorable five days, to say the least.
• I developed shingles. AKA adult chicken pox. It's no fun, but definitely not as painful as people are telling me. I'm uncomfortable, but my pain is minimal. I think the most annoying part of it is the pills I have to take five times a day. Yuck.
• I'm down 7 pounds. It wasn't a stellar month for weight loss, but I did stick to the plan every week. I'm not positive much weight loss will occur until I'm recovered from my shingles, but I just want to stick to the plan as best I can and track, track, track! I'm losing it slowly, but I'm losing it nonetheless.
• I decided to take a big step back from blogging. No more five posts a week for me! I really need to focus on school, getting well, and learning how to de-stress better. I know blogging can get stressful for me when I try to stick to a rigid schedule so it's back to posting when I can for me.

How did your February turn out?

January Wrap-Up

Today marks the end of the first month of 2011. Can you believe we’re already 31 days into the new year? (Only 10 months until the Christmas season!)

It’s been a busy month for me but in the past few weeks, I’ve just been happier. There’s nothing on the horizon to look forward to, just a lot of work, a lot of classes, and a lot of homework and studying. But I’m happy. I wake up happy (well, sleepy, but also happy) and there’s just a joy surrounding me. I hope I can keep up this good attitude because life is so much more fulfilling when you’re happy!

January had it’s share of ups and downs.

• I welcomed in the new year on my living room couch, watching the ball drop on TV with my dog and my mom. We had a quiet night at home, which was simply perfect.

• My mom completed her first-ever marathon. (I see at least one more in her future!)

• I began my last semester as an undergrad, which was filled with it’s own set of headaches.

• I spent my weekends buried in homework and cleaning, but feeling more relaxed and fulfilled than those weekends spent doing absolutely nothing.

• I had an eye appointment (my first since September 2008!) where I found out my eyes had indeed gotten worse and my astigmatism in my right eye was stronger than before, meaning contacts are probably not the best everyday option. (Even contacts used for astigmatism, they still jump around in my eye.)

• I completed my goals of getting on track with my eating (and subsequently lost almost 6 pounds this month!), as well as establishing a cleaning chart to help me get motivated to help out more around the house. And I disconnected 3 out of the 4 Saturdays in January.

• I did not complete my goals of establishing a budget or paying off my largest credit card (all I have to do is call the collection agency and set up the payment! Procrastinate, much?). I failed miserably on my water intake, although it did get a teensy bit better once I started back at Weight Watchers.

• Turning off electronics at 9pm? It didn’t happen once in January. I usually didn’t remember about this goal I set until 9:30pm or later, if I remembered at all!

• Tomorrow’s post will outline my goals for February, but I am going to “treat” myself to a new sports bra (or two!). The ones I’m wearing now I’ve had for about 3-4 years so I’m pretty sure it’s more of a necessity than anything. No Otterbox, though. Maybe next month!

How was the first month of January for you?

2010: A Year in Review

If I take a look back at my resolutions for 2010, this year would be a waste. I attempted to achieve them, but didn’t even come close. Yet when I think of all I accomplished, whether I resolved to or not, I can’t help but think this was a pretty big year for me. It was a year fraught with sadness, challenges, excitement, and a lot of stepping out of my comfort zone.

In 2010, I…

• Created a stunning 18-page magazine. This was by far my biggest challenge of the first four months of the year. I spent hours upon hours trying to make this magazine the best possible. I took days off work and asked big things of some special friends. I began with 18 blank pages in Adobe In Design (a program I previously had never heard of until January) and created a magazine I am fiercely proud of.
• Watched my grandma conquer cancer for the second time. In January, my family was given heart-breaking news that my grandma’s colon cancer had returned. She battled another 12 rounds of chemotherapy and was declared cancer-free in October. Later, we found out that my grandma’s doctor thought this round of cancer would defeat her and also, that the type of cancer she got the second time around has a 2% survival rating. I would say God’s still in the miracle making business, wouldn’t you?
• Ended the relationship with my father. After close to 2 years of not speaking to each other, my father finally initiated contact via a Facebook message. I e-mailed him a letter, detailing all the ways he had hurt me in the past and how much I missed him and our relationship. His scathing reply back made me realize he was never going to change, he would never take responsibility for his actions, and it was time to end this volatile relationship. In June, I replied back with a much nastier e-mail. I had given myself 2 months to calm down from his reply but I had to make my feelings known, for probably the first time in my life. Losing a parent is heartbreaking, but losing a parent because they don’t want you in their life? I can’t even begin to explain the emotional toll it takes on a person. I’m still not even close to dealing with my feelings on this.
  
• Played caretaker to my mom after she was hit by a car. The scariest day of my life happened on August 13, 2010 when my mom arrived home a mere 20 minutes after leaving for a run with blood on her face and all over her clothes. We spent 5 hours in the ER that morning and she emerged with 18 stitches above her right eyebrow, a broken left elbow, a sprained right thumb, severe abrasions on her knees, elbows, and palms, as well as multiple bruises. It was a long healing process, including her using a sling for 8 weeks, unable to work her second job for 10 weeks, and having to take 8 weeks off running (which totally messed with her marathon training). She is now back to normal, but will always have pain in her elbow if she uses it too much.
• Had my first ER visit since I was eleven. August seemed to be the month of hospital visits for my family. While washing the dishes one afternoon, a glass broke and then sliced my thumb as I tried to throw it away. I spent about 2 hours in the ER getting x-rayed and then stitched up by the real Dr. McDreamy. (Seriously, I had some rather inappropriate dreams about him weeks after my visit.) But with that visit came a hefty $2,500 doctor bill.
• Visited Orlando twice. I only took two vacations this year and they were both to Orlando, which is about 90 minutes from me. They were fun getaways, even if I did deal with a sprained ankle during one trip. And, in November, I visited Disney World for the first time since I was a kid!

• Started running. I am still hesitant to call myself a runner, but I did take up this sport somewhat this year. Over the past few months, I’ve been running pretty consistently (2-3 times a week). It’s been a struggle most days but there’s no greater feeling of accomplishment than finishing a run or crossing a finish line.
• Became a blogger. This blog is my pride and joy. It’s been the one place I can be real and honest. It’s become my mode of therapy as I write down my thoughts for the masses. I went through a lot of blogger crisis as I try to figure out where I fit in this blogging culture, but I think personal blogging is where I belong. I don’t think I’ll ever give up on being completely honest and transparent about my feelings and I like that about me. It’s hard for me to be this honest in public, so these posts have been extremely cathartic for me. And the people I’ve met through blogging makes it all worth it. I have big plans to meet a bunch of you this year, some way or another.

2010 has been a big year for me, even if it hasn’t been the best year. I can’t wait to welcome in 2011 because it’s going to be an amazing, full year with my mom running her first marathon, graduating college, and dealing with my anxiety and thoughts and feelings through therapy. And I’m excited to bring you all along for the ride!

Thankful

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. A day of gorging, watching football, and being with family. It’s my favorite holiday of the year. My birthday is three days following it and it’s a kick-off to the holiday season. I can’t help but get swept up into the magic of the season and I turn into a five-year-old kid on Christmas Eve, anticipating what the next day will be like.

But Thanksgiving. A day of giving thanks. I haven’t missed the many posts floating around the blogosphere of people giving thanks. This year hasn’t been my favorite, but some great things have happened:

• My mom survived getting hit by a car
• My grandma finished chemotherapy and is now cancer-free
• My nephew turned two and now says things like, “Nananny, I love you.”
• I designed a spectacular 18-page magazine
• I grew this blog and met some of my closest friends
• I started running and have run four races this year. (I will have completed six by the end of 2010.)
• I began a journey of self discovery and have learned so much about the woman I am becoming

Some horrible things have happened:

• My. Mom. Got. Hit. By. A. Car. (I still shudder when I think how worse this could have been.)
• My grandma got cancer again
• I ended my relationship with my father
• I dealt with more anxiety and fear than I ever have in my life
• I had major meltdowns while trying to deal with school stress

A lot happened. A lot didn’t happen. But I am thankful for a lot this year. I am thankful for my family and the outpouring of support I have received. I am thankful for the relationship I have with my mom. Our close relationship is something I treasure, since I know many people don’t have this type of relationship. I am thankful for being an aunt, because my nephew brings me more joy and happiness than I ever thought possible. I am thankful for the pushes and shoves I have gotten from family, professors and God to be better than I ever thought I could be. I am thankful for God. For supporting me. For loving me when I know I can be extremely unlovable. For giving me tests and challenges, knowing I can handle them. And for always believing in me and always being there for me, even when I push Him away.

This blog is going to be silent until Tuesday as I spend time with my family and friends and visit Orlando for a fun mini-vacation. I hope everyone has a fabulous Thanksgiving!

What are you most thankful for this Thanksgiving? Tell me in the comments!

REPOST: Bittersweet Relief

*I'm scheduling this to post during my media fast. I'm hopefully still going strong with this!

Recently, I found out my first blog (where I was actually serious about blogging, and not just writing lame updates once a month) and I've been reading through my posts. I wrote for no audience and sporadically. I've been reading through the days I was in my final internship and I've been struck at how awful that time truly was.

So I decided to repost a post from October 30, 2008. It was exactly one day after I was told I wouldn't pass my internship. It holds emotions ranging from bitterness to sadness to confusion. It's heart-wrenching and real. I really don't hold back with this blog posting and thought I would share it with you.

On Sunday, I promised a super-long blog about how my internship is going. And I can tell you today that it is over.

When I first met my teachers and started my internship, I was deliriously happy. I wrote blog entries on how this internship would be so much better. Well, not really. Everything seemed to go downhill after my first evaluation in late September. My teachers then began to build a tendency to wait until they saw my university supervisor to tell me everything I was doing wrong. She even said something to me a week ago where she feels she has to be there in order for my teachers to communicate anything to me!

They never once told me that they had serious concerns about me. They told my UP and she set up a meeting between us where my P.M. teacher didn’t say much of anything (Oh, except for telling me I should’ve done more at their PLC that morning – like him? Watching ESPN and looking up stats for baseball?!) and my A.M. teacher expressed her concerns. OK. I was a little distraught (fine, fine. I was a blubbering idiot!) but I resolved to take their suggestions and do better.

My P.M. teacher gave me the reins of teaching at Week 4 or 5. It was up to me to find out where he keeps his pacing guide (and he never showed me one for science or social studies). He never asked me for lesson plans. Except for 1 or 2 times, he never told me what I was doing wrong. Obviously, when you get no feedback, you think you’re doing an A-OK job! I had given and graded 2 separate math tests before he told me how he graded. His communication skills sucked. And I knew he didn’t like me. I could just tell. And he said something to the effect that people know when he doesn’t like them. Yeah, I knew.

As for my A.M. teacher, she came to me about three Mondays ago and asked to see all my lesson plans for the week. So, OK. I give her a sheet where I had written out in shorthand what I would be doing that week. “No,” she says to me. “I need the lesson plans that tell me exactly what you’re doing.” Oh, OK. I had seen her make 2 different types of lesson plans. The first was a shorthand, teaching points for the week and the second was more of a format of “Teaching Point/Modeled/Active Engagement/Link”. So I worked on that that night and showed it to her the next day. Do you think that’s what she wanted? Nooo. Her communication skills are JUST AS BAD as my P.M. teacher! So I wrote out 4 lesson plans of EXACTLY WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY, a script. She never told me, nor did she show me hers. She assumed I should know it. Um, does she also assume that all of her students know when to put an exclamation point or question mark at the end of a sentence? I didn’t think so.

Every single time I went in for my internship, I cringed as I thought what thing she could criticize me on today. She never gave positive feedback. It was always negative. I started calling her Ms. Negativity. She totally was.

When I told her I was feeling very overwhelmed with the writing, she told me that concerns her a lot. Wow. Thanks! Way to boost my confidence in teaching, Ms. Negativity! How about, “Well, then let’s do something to help you feel more confident. What can I do to help?”

It was such a bad situation that I feel a sense of relief. I felt so alone there, my teachers weren’t there to support or help me. They were there to get a few hours of peace from teaching. They didn’t help me out and expected me to do things they had been doing for the past 10 years. My teachers had a conference with my UP during the kids’ PE time where they told her they wouldn’t be able to pass me and were not “impressed” with me. Well, honeys, I wasn’t very “impressed” with either of you! (And, on a side note, my UP agreed with me on this one) I keep debating whether I should send them an e-mail. They were so sneaky about everything. Except for once (which was the week she kept wanting the long lesson plans), they never sat me down and told me what I was doing right or wrong. They never conferenced with me alone. It always had to include my UP. I felt like they were tattling on me! Every time we sat down with her, it was as if I had been hit by a Mack truck because they were telling her things they never told me. They had a meeting about me during the kids’ PE time yesterday and that was when they told her they wouldn’t be able to pass me. Again, being sneaky and underhanded. They never told me this. They never said, “We’re getting concerned that we won’t be able to pass you.” They talked to my UP and then she came with me to the classroom where I got my stuff and left. They said absolutely nothing to me. I had left some things in my P.M. teachers room and he had the kids give it to me.

Luckily, my UP was able to get me a spring internship where I am already formulating a list of everything I want to say to my new cooperating teacher. I’m really thinking I’d like to try out 2nd grade. I definitely don’t want 3rd or 4th. Maybe 5th. Because of Florida Writes and FCAT, 3rd and 4th grade will be so busy with that for the first 2 months of my internship. I don’t think it’ll be SUCH a big deal with 5th. I always said I wanted to to intermediate but I did just fine in my primary internship. Maybe that’s where I’m supposed to be. I don’t know. I don’t even know if teaching is what God wants for my life. Scratch that. I know teaching isn’t the Big Plan God has for me. I know it’s writing. I know God wants me to use my ability to write for His good. So maybe I should just take some writing classes next semester? Maybe I should change majors? I. AM. SO. CONFUSED! I honestly don’t know what to do.

I really need to pray about it and see what God wants. I always said, “God, close doors in the places you don’t want me to be and open doors where you do want me to be.” Is this a closed door? Have I been fooling myself for the past 2 years? I just don’t know.

A story about a boy and a girl

I want to tell you a story.

The story is about a boy of about fourteen. The boy is sullen and angry. His parents just got divorced and he has to live with his mom and little sister. He thinks the world revolves around his father and wants to live with him. His mom forces him to go to church and he hates being there. Every Sunday, he stomps in and slumps down as far as he can get in his seat.

Watching him, is a man. The man leads a Sunday School class with middle-/high-schoolers with his wife. He has an amazing testimony and story of redemption. The man can see a little of himself in this boy.

The man introduces himself to the boy and invites him to the Sunday School class. It takes him multiple attempts for the boy to finally agree to go.

The boy loves it. He loves the class and he loves the leaders even more.

The boy’s sister joins him in the class when she starts seventh grade. She loves it, too. She connects with the leaders on a level she hasn’t connected with other Christian leaders in her life. These people are real. They are living out loud for God. They are refreshing.

One day, the youth leaders for the Wednesday night class announce they are leaving and the Sunday School leaders will be taking their place. The boy and girl are excited.

Youth group changes dramatically with the new leaders. It becomes dynamic and fun. They learn more about the Bible than they ever have. They start each service with worship and then a icebreaker game before the sermon. The sermon’s are exciting. Both boy and girl can sit through the entire service, with rapt attention. They learn about the man’s testimony, which blows them away.

They begin to become more involved. The youth leaders start a Thursday night game night with a ramp for skateboarding, a pick-up football game, and plenty of board games. The boys play sports and get dirty. The girls sit at picnic tables and gossip (um, in a godly way?). Boy and girl begin to enjoy church.

The youth leaders begin to have a Sunday afternoon hangout, between the morning services and evening service. They go to the beach or hang out by a pool. They stop at Wendy’s for a yummy lunch. They shake the van while sitting at a traffic light, with the leader leading the way. They have more fun with church friends than they ever imagined.

But then circumstances arise where a new youth leader takes his place. Boy and girl are devastated. They never connect with another leader as much as the previous ones.

But for those short months they got to have those leaders changed their life. They never forgot them, never forgot their story or how much they meant to them.

They saved their life. They showed them a new way of living. They inspired them.

Boy and girl grew up. They never tried a drug in their life. They never saw the inside of a jail cell. They never had a drunken night. They fought through the odds to come out on top. Boy has a good job, a beautiful girlfriend, and an adorable baby. Girl has a good job and is finishing up her Bachelor’s degree. They never forgot those leaders or the impact they had on their lives.

Blogging Through The Years: Sixth Grade

I'm currently blogging through my years in school. I just recently finished up elementary school. Catch up on all you missed here!

I started 6th grade in August 1999 and I can't say I was excited. I was starting middle school, which was a little scary for me to think about. And I was at a brand-new school where I didn't know a single soul - besides my brother, of course. My mom, my brother, and I had recently moved into a condo not too far from the school. And this meant I had to bike to school. Every single day. I could never do anything cute with my hair (not that it ever did look cute at eleven!) because of my bike helmet. And biking to school was the worst when it was cold outside and you had to bike against the wind. Gosh, I hated that.

Actually, I hated everything about 6th grade.

During my first day, I managed to befriend a girl named Chelsea who would end up becoming my best friend throughout middle school. She was this short, athletic, extremely smart girl and we formed a quick bond with each other. Through Chelsea, I ended up meeting more people and we soon had our own group of friends that just grew as the years went on.

One of the biggest obstacles I had to overcome was my insomnia. During 6th grade, I had awful insomnia. My mom was clinically depressed, being that she was learning how to be a single mom to two adolescents and dealing with her deadbeat ex-husband. I hate to say it but this was such a tough year for all of us and this is the one year I can't fully say my mom was there for me. She was dealing with her own inner demons and trying so hard to be a good mother to my brother and me. I'm not quite sure what caused the insomnia, but I'm sure my parents' divorce was hugely to blame, even though I pretended I was fine with it. I never took sleeping pills or saw a doctor about it. I tried warm milk a few times but it never helped. (Plus, it was disgusting!) I tried sleeping on the loveseat but after my grandma told my mom that was a bad idea, I was banned from the living room. I eventually developed a system on my own of cuddling with my stuffed animals on the floor while reading a book. I would fall asleep sometime in the middle of the night and crawl into bed.

I remember feeling so excited the next night after dealing with a bad bout of insomnia because I knew I would be able to fall asleep faster than usual because I was so tired. The insomnia made my life pure hell and I don't think I was ever really happy this year. But I didn't talk about it to anyone but my mom and my grandma. And maybe I should have seen a doctor about this but it's in the past now. (And there are a few songs from 1999 that I just can't listen to because they remind me of this time in my life.)

During my first semester of 6th grade, I ended up making straight A's. Up until this point, I was mainly an Honor Roll student, pullling mainly B's on report cards. Straight A's was wonderful! And then on my third report card, I made my first D. It was in a class with a teacher who really shouldn't be teaching. He taught straight from the book and never incorporated any other lessons. Here was what we did, every single week: Monday-Wednesday, read through the chapters out loud. Thursday, we did two worksheets from the teacher's guide. Friday, we took a test over the unit. I think we drew a map once. But that's about it. He was an awful teacher.

This was the year I took the gym/health rotation. It was fourth period and we had gym for 2 semesters, health for 2 semesters, and then gym again for the last 2 semesters. I hated gym. HATED IT! Mainly because my fifth period class was on the exact opposite side of campus. So I would have to rush out of there and hurry as quickly as I could to my fifth period. I was always so, so nervous I was going to be late. Once, I was ten steps away from the building where my fifth period was and heard the bell ring. But when I got to my class, as it turns out, my gym class had left early and that bell was actually the first bell rung! Never the less, I was scared every day of being late to fifth period.

Needless to say, fifth period was my absolute favorite class. It was Reading with an off-the-wall, kooky teacher who did dog breeding on the side. Her class was so much fun and taught me so much about reading and analyzing and writing. I loved this class. In the class, two people every semester were given the job of "librarian." The librarians got to sit at the front of the class at their own table and were in charge of "checking out" books and taking care of secretarial class. No lie, I think I was the class librarian for three semesters. This class had about 10 bookshelves full of books, all arranged in genres and alphabetized. My teacher had a list of all her books and how they were supposed to be arranged. And if you were lucky and had free time at the end of class, you could do "inventory" where you would take a binder with the lists and go through the books to make sure everything's in its proper place. I loved doing inventory. I think we all did. We also read a book this year with the word "damn" in it. We were all scandalized, especially since we were reading the book out loud and we came upon the word. I remember my teacher saying, "It's OK. It's just a word. You can say it." And then the student whispering the word and everyone giggling.

I wasn't a big fan of 6th grade. It was a tough year for me and I dealt with a lot. My entire middle school career was pretty awful. I hated these three years and while talking about them is cathartic, it's still pretty emotional.

I Have Baggage

I have baggage. Internship baggage. And with this baggage comes some extreme anxiety and nervousness when approaching anything related to interning.

I start my fourth internship on Tuesday. And while it's completely different from my previous three, it still has the label of "Internship." And it still scares me to death.

My previous internships all took place in elementary school classrooms. My first one was in a first-grade classroom where I went one day a week for 15 weeks. My second one was in a fourth-grade classroom where I went two days a week for 17 weeks. My third one was in another fourth-grade classroom where I went five days a week and became a full-time teacher.

My first internship was smooth sailing and actually quite fun. I worked under a great teacher who really taught me a lot. I realized in this internship that teaching wasn't as easy as it looked but it was fun and I enjoyed it. And I was super excited to start my next internship in a grade level I was more interested in.

My second internship was horrible. The teacher I worked under was kooky and so burnt out from teaching. She told me one day, and I quote, "Are you sure you really want to be a teacher? Because if I had to do it all over again, I would never have become a teacher." Oh, how I enjoyed her pep talks!

Anyway, this was the first time I ever questioned whether I was on the right path. This teaching business was no joke. It was tough and hard and I wasn't the best at it. I could make lesson plans that would rock your socks off. But executing them? I struggled. And it didn't help when my supervising professor and teacher offered no support for me. While I could rock my education classes and had so much fun in them, I felt so lost in my internships. I was a fish out of water in the elementary schools as an intern.

My third internship actually managed to be even worse than the previous one. For this internship, I basically became a teacher. I worked in the classroom all day for five days a week. By my 4th or 5th week, I had to be fully teaching every subject. I also had two different teachers I worked under. In the morning, I started with Lady Teacher where I taught reading and writing. In the afternoon, I moved to another classroom with my students to Guy Teacher where I taught math, science, and social studies.

Honestly, I thought I was doing good. Lady Teacher and Guy Teacher never had anything bad to say about the job I was doing. I knew I wasn't perfect and I was making a lot of rookie mistakes but wasn't that what the internship was about? To prepare us for full-on teaching? I felt even more like a fish out of water as I never really connected with my teachers and felt that my supervising professor (who was the same one who "supervised" me in my second internship) was rooting for me to fail. I had a review about 6 or 7 weeks into teaching where I found out I wasn't doing as well as they hoped, but that "many of their interns start out this way." They didn't seem concerned so I wasn't too concerned.

Only they told my professor that I was doing an awful job. We had a sit-down meeting one afternoon, shortly after they gave me my review, and I bawled throughout the entire thing. I'm embarrassed to admit it now but I felt so dumbfounded by this information, since they had told me that this was normal! During the meeting, my teachers didn't have that much to say and no real advice was given to help me improve. So I had to go at it alone, find out what I was doing wrong, and how I could fix it.

October 29th is the day that will live in infamy for me for a long, long while. It was the day I was told by my professor that there was no way I would pass my internship. ME! Who had flown through school, passing classes and acing classes like it was no big deal, was going to fail an internship. And not just any internship - my final internship. The last requirement I needed to graduate college.

I don't have good memories of my internships. As much as I would like to blame my supervising teachers (although I do admit they are partly to blame), the ultimate responsibility falls to me. For some reason, I wasn't good enough. It seems like such a simple thing - teaching. It doesn't occur to you that you could be bad at it. And I am. It's been really hard to admit that I was bad at teaching and even harder to write this blog post. I'm a fairly capable human being and school has been something I've always excelled at. So to fail an internship felt like the ultimate bomb to my self-esteem and emotions.

But I've moved on. I've discovered I don't want to be a teacher. I don't want to wake up every day with fear and trepidation of what the day will bring. I don't want to arrive at my job with nervous anxiety of how I'm going to teach this subject or that subject.

I'm a journalism student. Writing is where my heart lies. Writing is what I want to do for the rest of my life. Writing is my escape and my serenity. And I have fallen so head over heels in love with my passion.

So next week, I will start my fourth internship. This time, it won't be in an elementary-school. This time, it will be a media internship. And I am going to take all that baggage that's been holding me back and place it in the hands of my Heavenly Father. He can shoulder my burdens and give me a fresh attitude to arrive at this internship as a new woman. And I'm thinking He's pretty good at that.

2000-2009: The End of an Era

I can't believe this first decade of a new millennium is coming to an end. I won't embarrass myself by telling you how much I bought into the Y2K hype. (Hey! I was twelve!) I have grown up so much in this decade, yet sometimes it seems as if I'm still the twelve-year-old girl I was when 2000 started.

In 2000, I was 12 and felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. My parents had finalized their divorce the September prior. I had no self-esteem to speak of and was scared to even look at a boy I had a crush on. I dealt with extreme insomnia. My mom battled depression. The one bright spot of 2000 was the week-long trip I took to Virginia with my mom, my brother, my grandparents, and my cousins. I saw snow for the very first time and experienced the thrill of skiing for the first time.

In 2001, I was 13 and experienced tragedy when terrorists crashed planes into a huge building. My dad went to jail for 3 months for stealing $2,000 from his mother. We lived in 4 separate places this year: a condo, an apartment, my grandparents house, and then had to move with them as they moved to another house. I still struggled with major self-esteem issues.

In 2002, I was 14 and really excited about what life had to offer me. I was excited to finish middle school, as it had been the most awful three years of my life. I couldn't wait to start high school and have a fresh start. I was still incredibly shy and saw myself as fat and unwanted. My self-esteem was super low. I was extremely proud to be in a magnet school, even if it was in a program I had no interest in pursuing as a career (criminal justice). Still, I thought I was better than those "mainstream" kids. My brother started dating Jenny.

In 2003, I was 15 and immersed in the world of AIM and Xanga. I was addicted to the computer and playing on it every chance I could get. While I had friends, we didn't spend much time after school together, aside from one or two sleepovers. I went to Homecoming on a date with a friend, and it was one of the best times I have ever had. This was a year I was trying to "find" myself and searching for answers in everything from religion to rock music. It was also the year an amazing opportunity passed my way.

In 2004, I was 16 and handed an amazing opportunity to spend the rest of my high school years at a charter school, where I would take college classes that would count as college and high school credit. At the end of my 2 years, I would graduate with my high school diploma as well as my Associates in Arts degree. I met a great group of girl friends who brightened my day. I was very family-oriented. After taking college-level Anatomy and Physiology (at the age of fifteen), I decided I didn't want to be a veterinarian anymore. And so went the process of finding what I did want to do in life. I went on a date this year and had an "almost boyfriend" for about 3 weeks.

In 2005, I was 17 and floating by in life. This was the end of my junior year of high school and the beginning of my senior year. My guidance counselor was going crazy, getting us ready to apply for colleges. I applied to 3 colleges this year: University of Florida (denied), University of South Florida (accepted), and University of Central Florida (denied). I took the SAT and didn't do so well on them. Life was mundane and nothing exciting happened this year. My brother graduated from high school and moved out in September to live with his girlfriend.

In 2006, I was 18 and a high school and college graduate! I spent the summer working for a movie theater, which was so hard but also a little bit fun. I left home for college (which was only 30 minutes away) and ended up hating it so much. I had a roommate that I clashed with. I spent a lot of my free time in the school bookstore to get away from it all. I was an elementary education major, something I absolutely adored. And I worried away most of fall semester that I wouldn't meet the class requirements to get into the College of Education, because of two awful classes. (I ended up making an A in one, and a C- in the other.)

In 2007, I was 19 and lost 30 pounds. After a horrible year in the dorms, I came back home for good. I started working at a preschool and became a lot more adept at handling babies and kids. I joined Weight Watchers and lost those aforementioned 30 pounds. I was an intern one day a week in a first-grade classroom, which was a whole lot of fun but also very scary. I was excited about my future.

In 2008, I was 20 and lost my way. I was supposed to graduate with my Bachelor's degree in elementary education in December but after a bad internship in the spring with a fourth grade class and then an awful one in the fall in another fourth grade class...I was told by my supervisor I wouldn't pass the internship. I took a month off to think and decided teaching was not for me. I changed my major to journalism. I discovered I didn't have any financial aid left to cover any more expenses. My dog of 11 years, Minnie, died in June from cancer. I quit my job in March to focus on school. I worked at a print shop during the summer, where I spent 90% of my time watching sitcoms and playing at my computer. We found out in May my grandma had stage IV colon cancer. My nephew was born in September. I spent November and December searching for a job to no avail.

In 2009, I was 21 and pursuing my passion. I excelled in all my journalism classes and for once, I was recognized at having talent at something. I started working at another preschool in February. I started blogging with a purpose and discovered an entire network of bloggers and friends. My grandma has been cancer-free for an entire year. We were given a dog, a mini-daschund, from a family member who has become an integral part of my life and one of my best friends.

I realize I spent most of this decade worrying. Worrying about money, worrying about my looks, worrying about what people thought of me. My hope for this upcoming decade is that I stop worrying so much. I learn to trust God and trust myself more. I learn to stop worrying so much about what people think of me and start looking internally for happiness. Happiness and acceptance will never be found in other people, something I did end up learning from this decade.