#tootsiegram

For those of you who follow me on Instagram or Twitter, you noticed I had a little visitor this past weekend. Tootsie is my boss’s dog and she comes to work with him almost every day. She is adorable, sweet, and not very ladylike (what with her snoring and grunting and all that!). My boss was going out of town Wednesday night - Saturday night and I had mentioned in passing once I would totally watch Tootsie if he ever needed me to. So he took me up on it and I was glad to oblige.

At first, I was a bit worried how Dutch would do with the new intruder. He’s very possessive of me, but he’s also very calm when he’s around other dogs. For the most part, he’s a loner and doesn’t get all crazy when he sees other dogs.

Tootsie came home with me on Wednesday night and she was a bit panicky at first. The drive home from work was a little tense. She stayed in the backseat but cried a lot. She didn’t seem to know what to make of our house or Dutch. Our first night, I made the huge mistake of letting her stay in my room and when she started crying and trying to jump onto my bed (Dutch always sleeps with me on my bed), I let her come up.

I think I slept about four hours that night. If that. You see, Tootsie snores. Loudly. And she never stops snoring. Awake, asleep, on a walk. She snores. And since I need complete silence to get to sleep, it took me a long time to finally fall asleep but when I did, I kept waking up to Tootsie.

Thursday was a very hard day to get through at work. I’m not sure I can do the whole newborn thing anymore. I need my sleep! Sleep deprivation is not for wimps and I bow down to all you mothers. I don’t know how you do it.

The next two nights, Tootsie slept in the living room and I got over 8 blessed hours of sleep both nights. Ahhhh. Rejuvenating!

In any event, aside from the snoring, Tootsie was a delightful houseguest. Her favorite place to sleep in the house was a) on the arm of our loveseat or couch and b) in one of Dutch’s beds (even though she had one of her own.) (And yes, Dutch has two beds. Along with a handful of blankets. No. He is not spoiled.) Case in point, the cutest photo I think I have ever seen in my life:

It was interesting to see her and Dutch interact. Dutch is about 8 months older than her (he’ll be 10 next week) but his energy level compared to hers is completely different. I can take Dutch on a 3-mile walk and he’s fine. He may be a little slow-moving the rest of the day but he has no issues with the walk. Tootsie? I just took her to the mailbox and back (not even half a mile round-trip) and she acted like she was dying! Girlfriend needs some exercise. :) He seems more like a puppy than she does, but people are always astonished when they find out how old Dutch is because he doesn’t act like it. I hope this means he will live to be 20 years old.

They weren’t exactly best buds, but they tolerated each other. We left them alone for about twenty minutes on Friday night and then for a good four-and-a-half hours on Saturday and they didn’t kill each other. So that’s good! And it was the cutest to see them together whenever someone walked by. It leads Dutch to bark ferociously and Tootsie would get up and stand next to him and just look at him, like, “Wait. What are we doing? Am I supposed to bark? What am I barking at?” And then she would attempt her bark. Which might be the cutest bark in the world:

It was a fun four days with them and I’m very glad I decided to do this. (Job security, anyone? Ha.) Tootsie was delightful! And so cute, it was hard to give her back on Saturday night. Alas, it helped me decide whether or not I’m truly ready to have another dog. I think I am but as cute as Tootsie was, I think I am a dachshund mom for life. But right now? I’m happy with just my little man.

And I will leave you with this. Tootsie snoring. You *know* I had to capture this on video! (Turn your volume up on this to hear it. Sound isn’t great for some reason.)

Are you a dog person? What’s your favorite breed?

On Being in a Funk

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I’ve been in a funk for a long time now. Longer than I think I’ve acknowledged it. There is so much I want to say, but every time I try, my words feel so jumbled. I can’t seem to even grasp what’s really going on. I feel like God is working on my heart. I’ve been stubbornly resisting all His advances for so long, keeping my faith small. I feel like I’m the brink of something, but I’ve let stubbornness get in the way of change before. I don’t want to let it get in the way right now. I’m so ready to get past this funk.

On a lighter note, it’s time to announce my giveaway winner! Kyria, you won yourself a brand spankin’ new pre-made template from Yellow & Savvy Design! Please e-mail me so I can get you in touch with Steph Anne.

This Weekend, I...

 

• Reactivated my Facebook account. I’ve been on a four-month hiatus and while it was good to be away, it’s also very good to be back.
• Reconnected with one of my best friends and have already made plans for a movie date. I have felt so lost without her in my life that I feel a little more centered.
• Attended my third boot camp. It doesn’t seem to be getting any easier but I’m finding myself able to make it through the exercises without wanting to rip out my lungs. I consider this major progress.
• Felt completely devoid of any creative energy. I had planned on getting a few scheduled posts out on Saturday but a huge writing assignment on Friday seemed to zap all my creativity.
• Bought my first bag of Robin’s Eggs of this Easter season... that supposedly starts in February now?
• Saw my nephew, recovering from his surgery on Friday. He’s still feeling punky, but doing well. (Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers!)
• Came to a lot of decisions on what I want my word for 2012 to truly embody. And while I feel so far away from the word health lately, it’s only February. And taking a step back, acknowledging my mistakes, and deciding to grow from it is all I can do right now.
• Finished my 14th book of this year.
• Designed a little cleaning chart for my mom and I to use. I’ve grown incredibly lax on cleaning and the chart is more for me, to make sure I’m holding up my end of the chores.
• Went on a movie date with my brother. Our last one was in 2006 so we were very overdue. I’m so glad I have such a close relationship with him and that he’s one of my closest friends.
• Announced the March #twookclub book: Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close! It wasn’t my pick, but what I love most about book clubs is the opportunity to read a book you wouldn’t otherwise pick up. I can’t wait to dig in!

Just a quick note! My giveaway ends tonight! I’m giving away one pre-made design from Yellow & Savvy Design’s Etsy shop. Your choice! I’ll announce the winner tomorrow.

Have you ever deactivated your Facebook account? If not, would you ever do it?

Good Days and Bad Days

Some days, being single is easy. It’s fun and I’m completely happy and content in my oneness. I don’t get sad seeing couples around me or hearing about another friend finding love. I feel at ease with my station in life, patiently awaiting the day it will be my turn.

But then those other days arise. They are the days where being single isn’t fun. It isn’t easy. I am not content. Seeing couples and hearing of friends finding love fills me with sadness and jealousy. My hands feel empty without another’s wrapped around it. My body physically aches to have a man to wrap my arms around, put my lips on, open my heart to. I wonder what I’m doing wrong, why love hasn’t become a possibility for me yet, when will it be my turn?

When those bad days come, and I promise it isn’t often, it makes me sit back and wonder how content I am in my singleness. If I’m truly content, should these thoughts even enter my mind? What do they really say about me?

I realize that I am content in my singleness. I am perfectly fine being alone. I don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. I always had a strong suspicion I would spend the majority of my twenties single and, deep down, I don’t think the reason I have been single for so long is because there is something wrong with me. Sure, maybe I haven’t reached out for opportunities to meet guys like people think I should, but I’m okay with that for now. Just like everything in life, I am going to have good days and bad days in singleness. Not every day is happiness and sunshine, just like not every day at your job is filled with happiness or that every run you go on will be awesome. It’s only when the bad days outweigh the good days that you should become worried. It’s when you can’t pick yourself up out of the negativity and find the good.

Sometimes, I have bad days. But mostly, I have good days. I have no doubt I will find love someday, as long as I keep my mind and heart open. For now, I’m happy as a single gal.

On Turning Twenty-Four

Last year, writing my post on my twenty-second year* didn’t feel good. I had to be very honest about my feelings and where I was in life. I wasn’t happy. I felt very stuck and I knew I needed to make some big changes. I wanted 2011 to be a year where I stepped out of my comfort zone and made a conscious effort to be happy. I recently read this quote in a book and there is so much truth in it:

We each make our own happiness. If one is not happy, then one is to blame for it and not a circumstance. Happiness is not something that can be put off for a future time or acquired like a new tie. One either is happy or one is not. (Kissing Adrien)

My twenty-third year was a good one. There were rocky moments and peaks and valleys, just as life is. But there were also really good moments of happiness. Of growth. In last year’s post I wrote that I wanted my life to look completely different than it did a year ago. There were specific avenues I wanted change to happen in.

• My health and weight
• My job
• Being more social
• Being more independent
• Writing more

I can’t say I achieved all the goals I set for myself but I can firmly say my life has taken a 360 spin from last year and I finally feel like I’m on the right path. I found areas of my life I didn’t like and I changed it. I may have not been completely successful in everything, but I finally took action. I began to choose happiness.

Over the course of this month, I’ve been a little disappointed in myself because 2011 is not the year I finally gained control of my overeating tendencies and the year I finally got to my goal weight. It’s not the year where I found love or developed a close-knit group of girlfriends or became more involved in my church. It’s not the year where I became a freelance writer or even got a head start on that novel I want to write.

But it was a year where I graduated from college, went on a fabulous cruise, grew even closer to my mother, my brother, and fabulous Internet friends, and started my career. A year when I began to make scary changes to my life, but didn’t reach out for opportunities as much as I would have liked. I watched my nephew became a little person who I can have conversations and giggles with. I’ve been able to realize that my happiness is of the utmost importance. And that perhaps what is “expected” of me is something I’m interested in doing. I began to see things in my life that were causing me negativity and make the necessary changes to remove those forces from my life.

My life is a whole lot different now than it was last year. I have a college degree, a great job, and more independence. I am happy with the way this past year unfolded. I can’t say that about a lot of my life, but I’m in a really good place right now. I hope it remains so, but even if it doesn’t, I hope I find ways to choose happiness even when my world is crumbling around me.

But I also want my life next year to look a whole lot different than it does right now. I read in a book (same book as quoted above) of a woman thinking of living the next five years of her life without any changes, just the same old, same old. She didn’t want that. I don’t want that. I want to keep growing, keep changing. I never want to be too comfortable with my life. My main focus over the next year is going to be about my health. It’s been something I’ve said I want to figure out in the past, but I’ve reached a turning point, I believe. I want to stop making excuses and letting the comfortable stay in my life.

Change happens when you allow yourself to be uncomfortable.

Age twenty-four? It’s time to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Let’s do this.

*Yeah, yeah. I know it’s technically my twenty-third year, but whatever. That just sounds funny.

Have you signed up to receive a Christmas card from me this year? Do so here!

Ask Me Anything - Round 2

Why did your parents go with a Y at the end of your name? It's unique, & I like it better than the other spellings of the name.

As the story goes, my father wanted to name me Doogabock. I’m really not sure if that’s how you spell that name, but it’s his own creation. Luckily, my mom nixed that awful name and came up with the name Stephanie. Only she wanted me to have a different spelling and went with a “Y” at the end. I hated being “Stephany” for the longest time because it was so different, but I’ve grown to absolutely love it. I totally prefer it to other spellings of my name.

How long have you been blogging? What inspired you to start blogging?

I’ve been blogging since high school, although I’m not sure if you can call Xanga as a blog. Or at least how I did it. I’ve just always loved writing and writing about my life and struggles so I bounced around a lot of blogs in the years prior to this one. Since I have a tough time talking aloud about my feelings, blogging has been a way for me to release my feelings and talk through my problems.

If you could go on a vacation without worrying about paying for it, where would you go?

(OK, anyone who’s been following my blog for the past year, say it with me...) A CRUISE! Of course! I’d love to go on one of those long, European cruises, hitting up dozens of spots and having incredible adventures at each. I really, really enjoy cruising. I had so much fun on my first one and I have a feeling cruising will be a big part of my future. There is so much to do and see while cruising and you really cannot beat waking up after the waves lulled you to sleep, seeing deep blue water on all sides of you. It’s absolutely perfect.

And if I didn’t have to worry about paying for it? I’d bring along some of my closest blogger friends, because I have this dream of going on a cruise with a bunch of bloggers. How fun would that be?!

 

Have a question you’ve been dying to ask me? Use the form below to ask!

Never Have I Ever...

A few weeks ago Kate posted her Never Have I Ever’s and then I saw Tina do a similar post. I loved both posts so much, I decided I need to make one of my own.

Never have I ever... owned a car.

(although I may be able to have my own much sooner than I anticipated. And no car payment to boot! Though the car above - Toyota Rav4 - is one I’ve been lusting after for a while.)

Never have I ever... kissed a boy.

Never have I ever... painted a room.

Never have I ever... participated in Black Friday.

Never have I ever... eaten ribs.

Never have I ever... owned a cat.

(I’m a dog lover by nature, although I’m not against having a cat.)

Never have I ever... run a marathon.

Never have I ever... watched an episode of Seinfeld.

Never have I ever... gone bungee jumping, sky-diving, or parasailing.

Never have I ever... been a Maid-Of-Honor.

Never have I ever... gotten a tattoo.

(Michael Scofield. Be still my heart. I won’t say I’ll never get one, but I’ve never had the urge to get one and can’t see myself getting one anytime soon.)

Never have I ever... flown on a plane.

Never have I ever... been inside of a Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods.

Never have I ever... been drunk.

Never have I ever... met a celebrity.

Never have I ever... been completely financially independent.

Never have I ever... been to Washington D.C., New York City, Chicago, L.A., or any other big city like those.

(road trip, anyone?)

Never have I ever... climbed a tree.

Never have I ever... cut my own hair.

Never have I ever... played the lottery.

Never have I ever... swam with dolphins.

(But I’ll be able to cross this one off in May!)

Never have I ever... been to a wine tasting.

Never have I ever... smoked a cigarette.

Never have I ever... read anything by Jodi Picoult.

Never have I ever... lived in another state but Florida.

Never have I ever... been in a long-term relationship.

Your turn. What is on your “Never Have I Ever...” list?

Photo credit: car, cats, Wentworth Miller, road, dolphins

I Believe...

I believe in hard work and the things that we work the hardest for are the most worthwhile.

I believe that exercise can cure a bad mood, much more than chocolate, although chocolate is always the more preferred method.

I believe that the holiday season is the best time of year and nothing else compares.

I believe everyone should go on a cruise at least once in their life.

I believe in the power of social media.

I believe that it’s the quiet ones who have just as much, if not more, to say as the loud ones.

I believe in snacking on spoonfuls of cookie dough.

I believe in rewarding yourself for a job well done.

I believe in goal-setting.

I believe that friends can sometimes be more supportive than your family, but your family will always be the support you look for first.

I believe in celebrating birthdays in a big way.

I believe in a nap doesn’t count unless it is two hours or more.

I believe that abortion is wrong and that you will never convince me differently.

I believe in comfort food and that it is OK to eat your emotions sometimes.

I believe that my dog’s stinky dachshund breath is one of the best smells in the world.

I believe in putting yourself first, not in a self-absorbed way, but in a taking care of yourself way.

I believe in 9:30pm bedtimes.

I believe in our president.

I believe that cookies for breakfast is a perfectly acceptable option some mornings.

I believe that football is the best sport in the world.

I believe in squeezing my dog’s ears every chance I get.

I believe that marriage is so much more than a piece of paper.

I believe in staying up late to finish a good book.

I believe in being real, honest, and raw.

I believe learning how to handle money is one of the most important lessons someone can learn.

I believe in the sweet accomplishment of crossing the finish line of a race.

I believe in my faith and the comfort it brings me.

I believe in my writing and that someday, it will be on the spine of a book.

What do you believe in?

*Post inspired by Kate and San.

Fear

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I’m not a big fan of Halloween. I don’t know why, but it’s never been a holiday that fills me with excitement. Growing up, I didn’t put too much thought into my costume, never went to a haunted house, and the only plus side to the whole holiday was the candy. I don’t understand why people enjoy being scared by visiting such events as Halloween Horror Nights and Howl-O-Scream or watching scary movies. Or maybe I don’t understand it because I live it every day.

I live my life in a constant state of fear. My stomach feels in a perpetual state of knots of everything that I worry about throughout the day.

Worry I will get a call, saying someone in my family has died.

Worry I will be fired from my job.

Worry something I blog about or tweet will be ripped apart and crucified.

Worry something terrible will happen to my dog.

Worry I will find out I have a terrible disease (or cancer) when I finally drag myself to the doctor.

Worry my anger will get the better of me while driving and cause an accident.

Worry I will end up in prison. (Like father, like daughter?)

Worry I don’t have what it takes to live a healthy lifestyle.

Worry about what people think of me: as a girl who is perpetually single, still lives with her mom, and has few friends (at least in real life).

Worry I am wasting my life away and will look back with regret on the life I led.

Fear is an awful way to live. It infests itself in every facet of your life, causing you to pass by opportunities and lose focus. You look behind you, instead of ahead. You never feel safe, never feel fully happy and content. You burrow further and further into this shell you’ve created because it’s the only place you feel a modicum of peace. It’s never full peace, but it’s there and for now, that’s OK.

It’s not OK. It’s not OK to go about life this way. It’s not OK for me to never feel safe. It’s not OK for me to worry about every little situation that can occur. It’s not OK for me to demean myself when something goes wrong. It’s not OK for me to continue to let fear live inside of me, to let impossible could-be situations crop up and grab hold of my heart.

I go to bed with my heart racing. I wake up in the middle of the night convinced my mother lay dead in her bed. I spend my entire day in fits of worry, fear manifesting itself in every little way it can.

It’s an awful way to live and it’s time to do something about it. It’s time to stop letting the fear control my life and start punching it in the face.

I’m 23 years old. I have an entire lifetime to live. And I refuse to spend that lifetime in fear.

Note: When my insurance kicks in next month, I plan on finding out if therapy appointments are covered. I work for a small company, so I’m not 100% sure it will be. Even if they don’t, I know there are other, more financially feasible options available for me. I know I suffer from some form of anxiety, but I’m not sure what or if it would require medication or just finding a way to talk through my issues. (Possibly both.) What I do know is these intense level of worry and fear is not normal and I need help.

That Time I Was Offered a Job

It all felt anti-climatic. The moment I had been building up to for the past 3 months arrived in a very laid-back manner. A simple, “We’d like to offer you the job,” with his back to me as we walked into his office after meeting with the owners. The entire interview had built up to it, so it wasn’t exactly a surprise but it was still deeply exciting and surreal.

But let’s back up.

Tuesday was my second interview, where I would meet the guy who heads up the marketing/media department. The company helps promote giveaways for charities and I knew the position was exactly what I was looking for. Last week, I had interviewed with the woman I would be working for and it was an amazing interview. I instantly connected with her, which is very hard for me. She was energetic, outgoing, and had a supreme love for her job that made me excited. I was shown to her office (and subsequently, my future desk) and it all felt totally right. I felt comfortable there. For the first time ever, I felt as if I was in the office I would work in someday. The desk already felt like it was mine.

For the next week, I could only think about getting the job. I like to imagine the worst case scenario with all the jobs I interview for (and just in general! That glass is totally half-empty!) but as much as I tried to summon negative thoughts, they didn’t stay for long. I could only think about getting the job and putting in my notice at work and working for that company.

I was nervous as hell for this second interview. I knew things had gone well the first time around and I wanted this job more than anything. We didn’t chat for too long before he decided he wanted me to meet the owners, which I knew was a very good thing. Chatting with the owners was easy and comfortable, they made me feel completely at home and interested in getting to know me beyond my resume. And when they told the marketing head that they were giving me the green light, I knew something big was about to happen.

For the longest time, Monster and Career Builder were my avenues for job searching. And while those websites are amazing, they are also the place everyone who is job searching is looking. I knew I wasn’t standing out and I knew I had to find a new way to search. Enter Craigslist. I have never really used Craigslist before, but I thought I would give it a try. See what’s out there and just apply, apply, apply. I applied to about 5 jobs a day, in all different areas. Some in marketing, some in customer service, some in dreaded administrative assistant roles. Mainly, I wanted to work in marketing. During my internship, I worked on a lot of marketing tasks and it sparked a huge interest in this field. I knew I didn’t have the skills for a big-time marketing job, but I wanted a place to learn. A place where I would feel comfortable learning and growing and asking questions.

This position fulfills this need. It’s an assistant role, where I will be helping out the media manager with any tasks she needs. (As well as helping out other members of the marketing staff, when needed.) I will be doing everything from filing to research to working with spreadsheets and vendors. Most of all, I will be learning. I will be gaining skills in marketing and advertising. And the woman I will be working for? Well, she’s all sorts of amazing, which makes everything all the better.

I wasn’t under the disillusion that I would get a fantastic job right out of college. I was going to be satisfied with anything, even if it meant I had to be a customer service rep - which, by the way, might be the worst job in the world for someone who hates talking on the phone. I just wanted to leave my part-time job where I barely make enough to pay for the four bills I’m responsible for. I wanted to use my degree and be happy with what I’m doing. I wanted to stop be so financially dependent on my mother. I’m also not under the disillusion that this job is going to be puppies and rainbows. I know it’s going to be very busy, fast-paced, and hectic. I’m going to have to transition from 20-25 hour work weeks to 40-hour work weeks. I’m going to have to make new friends and do new things.

I’m happy. I am so, so happy. Job searching is over. I am employed. I am going to start a brand-new phase of my life. And I can’t wait to take you all along for the ride!

What job did you have right out of college? If you’re still in school, what field do you want to get into?

On Friendship

I am totally a Spencer. (And addicted to this show.)

I have a hard time making friends.

It’s the plight of introverts, I would surmise. I’m incredibly shy and quiet and I tend to stay withdrawn in social situations. In school, I was always that quiet girl who didn’t say much. Unless I was involved in a group project or someone struck up a conversation with me, I would stay in my shy bubble. It took me a long time to break out of my shell at work and I must thank my work BFF for that. She is one of the most bubbly, extroverted people I know and just being around her makes me want to be extroverted like her. I still have the tendency to stay within myself (especially around especially loud and boisterous personalities), but I think it’s safe to say I am learning to be more vocal and outspoken in that arena.

I think one of the hardest things about building friendships is jumping from casual acquaintance to someone I connect with. I feel awkward requesting phone numbers or e-mailing them or even chatting with them online. I mean, even in the AIM era of middle and high school, I had a small list of friends on my list and almost never initiated conversations.

The lack of friendships in my life bugs me. I feel like I’m failing at this phase of my life. I mean, I’m 23! Where are my nights out with my girlfriends? Brunches, coffee dates, and trips? I do none of that. It doesn’t help that it seems that with the few of the close friendships I’ve had, I’m the one doing all the work - putting together the lunch dates and keeping in contact. One of my best friendships has fizzled because I got tired of being the only one who seemed to care. Those type of dying friendships can be awful on the heart, because you realize all along that the friendship wasn’t what you had built up in your head.

The thing is, I’ve met so many people through my blog, people I want to get to know better but have never made that leap. People I want to send long e-mails to when I need to vent or talk to on G-chat when I just want someone to talk to, but I’m always worried it will bug or irritate them. It’s silly, really, because I know I get incredibly happy when I receive e-mails from readers.

It’s hard to see so many blog friends who have transcended the line of just a casual blog reader to real friendships. I know they’ve put their own hearts on the line to make it happen so I really have nobody to blame but myself. It just seems to be the way with me.

But 2011 is the year I’m taking action for the areas of my life I’m unhappy with. The lack of true friendships in my life is a source of constant stress. I’ve never been good at making friends, because of my shyness and awkwardness. But I’m no longer hiding behind that excuse. If I want to make friends, if I want to have stronger blog friends, I need to put in the work.

30DC: Week Six

1. I’m 90% certain I will be growing my hair out again for Locks of Love. I miss long hair and feel that sometimes, it’s easier to handle than short hair. This makes no sense, I know. But I’m excited!

2. I am a dog person through and through. I couldn’t imagine my life without a dog in it.

3. I watch America’s Got Talent every year, but I don’t really like the show. They put so many people through “just because”, when they’re not very talented! I feel like Piers knows it’s a sinking ship and he’s the only voice of reason on the panel.

4. I’m addicted to soda.

5. I’m terrible at keeping up with my Words With Friends games.

6. Sometimes, I think about going back to my dark brown hair because it was so much cheaper! But I also love having blonde hair so I’m very undecided on this issue.

7. Sleep is one of my most favorite things in the world.

8. But I think my relationship with my mom is my most favorite. While I bombed in the dad department, I got extremely blessed with my mom who knows how to be the perfect parent and perfect friend.

9. I recently joined an online dating site. I’m not sure how well it will work out but dang it, I want to go on a date every once in a while!

10. As excited as I am to get a new phone in August, I really do love my Blackberry.

11. I only like to watch movies with happy endings.

12. Even though this makes me sound like I’m fifteen years old, I really want a boyfriend.

13. I graduated from college almost seven weeks ago, but will not feel at peace until I have my diploma in my hands. (Sidenote: WHERE IS IT?!)

14. There are so many bloggers I want to get to know better and bridge the gap of commenting on blogs to e-mailing/chatting with, but it’s scary to take that leap.

15. I work at a preschool. I don’t have any specific job title, but I help out anywhere is needed. Mainly, though? I make breakfast for the center and give bathroom breaks.

16. Making phone calls is my least favorite thing in the world.

17. After going to the dentist.

18. Which is after going for a run.

19. I always thought I would want to be a June bride, but if I’m still living in Florida at that point, there is no way this will happen. The humidity is killer.

20. I’m really lazy about keeping my apartment clean, while my mom is a Clean Freak Nazi. Which makes me feel bad since she works 40 hours a week, I work 25. So I try to clean up to her standard, but it’s hard.

21. I think a food scale is an absolute must for anyone trying to lead a healthier lifestyle.

22. Sometimes, I “forget” to take meat out of the freezer just so I don’t have to cook that night.

23. Chick-Fil-A breakfast > McDonald’s breakfast.

24. Spinning is my new favorite way to exercise. So long, running! Hello, spin bike.

25. Although, I am still running. But on a treadmill. And for just minutes at a time. I’m trying to build up my running endurance but adding 1 minute to my time at every run. So far, I’m at 6 minutes and doing good.

26. Rainy days are the best days.

27. Unless I do it, I’m really bad at putting away my laundry.

28. I’m at a point in my life where I don’t think I ever want to have kids. Which is weird, because I have always wanted to have children.

29. I never imagined job hunting would fill me with as much disappointed as it has. I knew it would be hard, but didn’t imagine the toll it would take on my mind.

30. I can’t believe I wrote 30 “interesting” facts about myself. That’s impressive.

Tell me one interesting fact about YOU!

30DC: Week Five

High school was hard for me. I’m sure I didn’t have it as bad as some people. I had friends, I had a Homecoming date, and I was moderately happy. As happy as one can be while being a teenager. I had some major self-esteem issues and always wished I was more outgoing so making friends wasn’t so hard for me. Luckily, I transferred to a charter school in 11th grade where I met the most fabulous group of girls ever. They were exactly what I needed.

The people I went to high school with for 9th and 10th grade were a little messed-up. Ninth grade was especially hard. It was tough being a new high-schooler with a whole new set of friends, learning how to survive in that environment. One thing that really stood out for me was a girl who was touted as a modern-day hero after her stint in a mental hospital. She had been placed in a straitjacket and kept in the hospital over the weekend and when she came back, she was all smiles and stories. She told everyone about what happened and everyone was so impressed.

You see, it was the thing to be suicidal/depressed. It was cool to be “dark and twisty,” if I want to use a Grey’s Anatomy reference. I saw girls freely flaunting their sliced wrists and arms. I remember one friend in particular who had three long lines of cut marks in a row on each arm. They were deep, but perfect. (In proportion.)

Listening to dark music, wearing dark clothes, having a perpetual frown on your face. That is what made you cool.

At first, I tried to play along. I tried to be as dark and twisty as others. Once, I even posted an AIM away message with the words of a song that spoke of suicide, which my brother (just 16 at the time) saw and questioned me about. My brother has never been one to go with the crowd and I admire so much his ability to always do the right thing, always do the moral thing, even when people around him aren’t. I would have been lost without him in high school.

It wasn’t until I was sitting in the tub one night, eyeing my razor and wondering if I could be as brave as the people in school and cut myself. Brave. This is what I thought they were. I didn’t even know why people were cutting themselves, I just wanted to be one of the crowd. And I tried it. I took my razor and tried my hardest to make a tiny cut, but I just couldn’t go through with it. I couldn’t be like them. Suicide and cutting is not a popularity contest. It’s not a game. It’s real life and it’s scary.

I have never been depressed or suicidal in my life. I have someone in my life who is right now and it’s scary to be on the outskirts of it, not knowing how you can help or what tomorrow may hold for them. What was going on in my high school was sad. These girls were just trying to fit in and while I have no doubt some of them were indeed depressed, it became a game of who was worse.

I’ve never shared this story, because sometimes I’m embarrassed at how far I almost went to fit in. I never fully “embraced” what they were doing, but at the same time I admired them. But that’s the way it goes when you’re 15 years old. I was blessed to have a brother who remains one of my biggest role models and supporters. I’m not sure he even knows the extent to how he helped me see how going with the crowd and fitting in somewhere you don’t belong can be detrimental.

I love my life. It’s not the perfect life. I have my issues and there are many things I want to change. But I know I am strong enough to overcome anything and I hold the power to change.

Suicide is nothing to play around with. It’s not a game. For many people, it’s a daily struggle to survive. I cannot imagine living that way and I hope to never experience it.

30 Week Challenge: On My Season of Singleness

I’m borrowing this challenge from the fabulous Katy Widrick, who borrowed it from someone else, who borrowed it from someone else, and so on and so on. I love the idea of it so it shall be my new thing for Fridays.

Day (or week, in my case) one asks about my single life. I’ll admit it can be a touchy subject for me.

I’ve been single for a long time. And for the longest time, school was my biggest excuse for why I wasn’t dating. I’m just too busy to find time for a relationship, I constantly told myself. And while it is certainly true, I think I used this excuse as a crutch for why I didn’t put myself out there more. Why I shied away from attention and immediately deleted online dating profiles within days of setting them up.

I’m constantly changing my view on my singleness. Some days, I find it free and empowering. Other days, I find it lonely and empty. The fact is, I know I will one day have an amazing love story. I know it will be incredible, special, and mine. I just have to be patient, bide my time, make the best me I can be, and it will all fall into place.

But for the first time in my life, I finally feel ready. I feel ready to meet someone. I feel ready to make mistakes and explore the dating scene a little. I feel ready to fall completely in love. I feel ready to give my heart away, even if it’s returned to me in a million pieces. I’m so done with feeling like I don’t measure up and I’m not pretty or smart enough for someone to love. Because, damn it, I am. I am so freaking worthy of someone’s attention.

Who knows where the future leads. Right now, I want to learn to be content in my singleness. At the same time, I want to learn to open up more, take some risks when it comes to the opposite sex, and believe in myself. I know that if God gave me this desire for my own love story, He will be faithful to see it to completion.

The winner of the Jackpot Designs giveaway is Krysten! Krysten, shoot me an e-mail with what color and design type you want for your address labels!

“You know, a lot of people go to college for seven years...”

(If anyone knows where this quote is from, you are my BFF.)

I started this journey in 2004 with a letter from a brand-new charter school, St. Petersburg Collegiate High School, telling all about their school and the opportunity to graduate with my A.A. degree and my high school diploma at the same time. I applied, not sure I would be accepted, and I was. For my last two years of high school, I spent at a new school located on the campus of a college. I met some of my best friends at that school and felt so lucky to be able to receive five semesters of college for free.

I graduated in May 2004 and was headed to the University of South Florida in August to work on my Bachelor’s degree in elementary education. I quickly learned that dorm life wasn’t for me so I came back home after a year and became a commuter student. I loved everything about the education classes, but hated everything about the internships. It didn’t help that I had some real lemons for assisting teachers and when I failed my final internship, I decided to switch my major. I had been two months away from graduation at this point, but I knew I didn’t want to become a teacher.

So in December 2008, I became a journalism major. I found out that I had taken all the credits allowed to receive financial aid so that would be taken away from me, as well as my loans, and scholarship (that paid for 75% of my tuition). I took two classes during my first semester as a journalism student, since that’s all I could afford. And then I received fabulous news that my scholarship changed its requirements and I would start getting help in that area. It helped so much. Every semester, I ended up paying about $400-$600 for my classes (this doesn’t include textbooks) which was a lot more manageable, and meant I could take more classes. (The only problem being that it doesn’t pay for summer classes so those I had to pay full price for.)

It took me two and a half years to finish the journalism program. In that time, I realized I wanted absolutely nothing to do with journalism and news writing. I am a creative writer by nature and having to get interviews and sources and turn off my creative voice to write articles made me despise it. I had a blast designing my own magazine, working on a professional website, and interning for a theater company, which made the whole process so much more worthwhile. There were a few very crazy semesters where all I seemed to do was work, go to school, and complete projects. But I got through it. And I completed everything that was asked of me.

On Sunday, I graduated with my Bachelor’s degree in Journalism and Media Studies. It felt surreal. It felt amazing. It felt accomplished. Earning a degree is a big feat and to finally be able to say I have a Bachelor’s degree is a great feeling. I put so much work into this degree (into two degrees!) that to sit there in that theater with my cap and gown, surrounded by those I have come to know as friends, just felt amazing. There are no other words to describe it. To walk across the stage and know I am putting this era of my life behind me gave me a feeling of empowerment.

I am so ready to move on with my life and begin a new stage. I’m ready to seek out more opportunities to assert myself and become more independent. These past 7 years have been filled with a rollercoaster of emotions. I never imagined it would take me so long to earn a degree, never imagined I would switch majors a few months away from graduation. But everything happens for a reason and I know I’m in the right place at the right time.

I did it. I graduated. It took me a long time and there were billions of moments where I didn’t believe I would ever walk across that stage. There were so many odds stacked up against me, but I pushed through them all. And I know I couldn’t have done any of it without the love and support of my mother, who worked two jobs for 4 years to help support me, and who was always there to be my shoulder to cry on when the stress got too much and my biggest cheerleader whenever I needed it.

And now the future is mine. I’m applying to jobs like a madwoman, but also trying to enjoy this time in my life. I still have a job and I’m back to working 30+ hours a week, while having my afternoons free to do whatever I want. I’m trying not to get discouraged by the lack of responses to my resume but I worry every day that I will be stuck at my part-time job for a very long time.

May 8th, 2011. That date will forever be etched in my memory as the day I finally finished the biggest goal I have ever set for myself.

My giveaway for a set of 30 address labels ends tonight at 8:00 pm. You have a ton of ways to enter so go for it!

These Days…

 

...I am finally seeing the end in sight. After two hardcore weeks of writing and studying, the end is near. It felt as if my to-do list was so long but as I began to cross off assignments and submit my work, I could see the finish line. Currently, I have one final left. It’s a take-home exam consisting of a 1,500-word opinion essay, due Monday night. Once that is completed, I will have finished my last assignment of my college career!

...I am no longer doubting graduation. I have spent the last 4 months preparing myself for the worst: not graduating. It started with being in the wrong lab for my Spanish class and having to submit paperwork to get it changed. There were questions of passing Spanish. And then I began to worry that a major article I submitted would make my professor doubt my abilities as a writer, saying I haven’t learned enough in the past two years and couldn’t graduate. All worries were unfounded. I will pass all my classes and I will graduate.

...I find myself in awe of what will happen 9 days from now. Graduation. From college. It feels so surreal, since I was so close to graduation before, and it’s finally happening. I will have a Bachelor’s degree. It’s an amazing, amazing accomplishment. And I am so proud of myself.

...I am one of the few people chosen for the second round of interviews for a very special company I badly want to work for. The job is perfect for me, allowing me to utilize my degree as well as challenge myself, both personally and professionally. On Monday, I will shadow an employee at said company all day to get a feel for my responsibilities and the people I will be working with. I’m very interested in what Monday will bring!

...I am getting back into the swing of exercise after a long break. With my schedule, there just wasn’t time to fit in exercise and I found out how much I missed it. Yesterday, I went for my first run in a long time and it felt awesome to break a sweat!

...My Friday nights have turned into one of the best nights of my week: Bible study. My grandparents, two of the most knowledgeable people about faith I know, are helping my mom and I to understand who God is and what His promises are better. I am learning so much from this. I’m usually afraid to speak up in other Bible studies, for fear I’ll look incredibly stupid and naive. I don’t feel this way when I ask my grandma questions a girl who has been attending church since she was a baby should know. These nights are priceless.

...I feel so blessed when I think about blog friends. It’s been such a blessing to see how many of you are rooting for me and cheering me on with this whole job situation. Sometimes, I wonder if I should have waited until I knew whether or not I got the job, but then I know how fun it will be to go back through my Twitter feed and see what an amazing week this has been for me. Even if I don’t get the job, it was still worth it. And I have to give a huge shout-out to a girl I consider a best friend, Sam, who has been cheering me on since the beginning, calming my fears about finding a job and being excited for me about this opportunity. Everyone needs a friend like her.

...I can’t help but imagine life as a full-time employee, making a paycheck that will be a lot more than I’m making now (just a smidge over minimum wage, and I’m only working 20 hours a week). I’m imagining actually supporting myself and not having to come to my mom for every little purchase. But no, I have not (I REPEAT NOT) looked at websites to buy a car. Absolutely not. I would not do that to myself. Gosh. Why would you even think that?!

photo credit

On Dreams, & How I’m Not Sitting On One of Them Anymore

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As I was preparing to sign up for classes last semester, I knew I would need to sign up for a filler class in order to keep my scholarship. Technically, I only need 3 classes to graduate but I need 12 hours for my scholarship. So I signed up for Creative Writing (actually called: Form and Technique of Fiction). And when I learned that we would need to write a short story and read it out loud, a small part of me wanted to drop the class. But a bigger part of me wanted to see this thing through and to stop putting my creative writing career on hold. My biggest dream in life is to become a published author, but I’m not doing anything towards that goal. This short story would be the kick-start I needed to take this dream and make it a reality.

At first, I had no idea of what I wanted to write about. What genre? What age range? What character?

Luckily, my professor had us do a lot of writing exercises and one such exercise gave me the perfect beginning. I am so in love with this beginning. I am never one to toot my own horn, but I happen to think it’s pretty fantastic: it draws the reader in and makes them want to read on. At least that’s what I think!

The first time around, my story had a lot of holes in it. I didn’t particularly like the main character and she was very two-dimensional. The story didn’t flow in the right way and I was almost ready to toss the entire thing and try a completely different story.

Then I decided to test out a new character. And it all came together. The character was more likeable, the plot more believable. The story flowed so much better and I get this little flutter in my stomach as I read it through. Is it the best story to ever be written? Absolutely not. Will it win me a dozen awards? Nope. But it’s a piece of me, it took a lot of work to get it in the shape it is now and I know I still have more edits to do on it. Thanks to some harsh, but completely true, critiques from Kendra (whom I will be hiring as my editor when I become rich and famous, just so you know), I took a story that was laying on shaky foundation and turned it around into a story that can stand on its own two feet.

Writing this story was a lot of work. There were many edits, many changes, many freak-outs. But it was also incredibly fun. I can see myself doing this again and again. This short story gave me the spark I needed to get serious about writing my novel, to stop putting my dreams on hold until the perfect time comes. (Because, really, when will it be the perfect time?) I’m more determined than ever to get my foot in the writing world, no matter how hard it is.

Come Thursday, I will be ready to read my story out loud. There will be butterflies, but I’m pretty positive there will be more excited butterflies than nervous butterflies. I think I can handle any critiques that are thrown my way, because it’s all in the name of improvement. I’ve been worried that being critiqued on my creative writing will defeat me since I am very sensitive, but I imagine it will only serve to help me to another look at my story in a different way. And make it so much better.

If you want to read my story, let me know in the comments and I’ll send the file to you.

What are some dreams you’ve been sitting on for a while?

Photoshoot

A few months ago, I began searching out websites like Shutterfly and Tiny Print for graduation announcements. I will finally graduate in May with my Bachelor’s degree and I’m excited to share the news with family and friends!

But I needed photos. I needed good photos. I needed someone who knew their way around a camera to work with me to create great photos, not just for my announcements, but also for professional arenas.

Enter Emily.

I met Emily in the Fall of 2009, when we took the same class together. We were paired up for a project, became Facebook friends, and the rest is history! (We actually became better friends as she launched her blog and asked me for advice!)

I knew from past conversations that Emily was a pretty good photographer. She had taken some classes as part of the journalism program, and I would hear of other people in classes talking about how good she was. So I asked her if she wouldn’t mind photographing me for some graduation snapshots.

She agreed, actually thanking me for giving her the opportunity to gain some experience in people-picture-taking. (I’m not sure of the correct photographer word…)

We met on Saturday in Downtown St. Petersburg, near the Museum of Fine Arts and strolled around the area for some great photo ops. It was my first real photoshoot experience (aside from the one I took for my newspaper article), and Emily was perfect, saying things like, “You’re so natural!” and “Ooh…that one looks like Reese Witherspoon.” I can be extremely awkward, especially if I’m getting photographed, so I’m so happy I was able to do this with someone I already knew and was comfortable around.

(Plus, she loaned me some quarters so the meter maid wouldn’t fine me. She’s awesome.)

Oh…you want pictures? All you had to do was ask!

 

…And these are just a smidge of what she sent me, which is just a smidge of the entire pile of photos. I’m so excited to get the whole loot to sift through.

Confessions, Part 5

1. I can’t stand the word “totes”. I know a ton of people use it, but it sounds totally teeny-bopper.

2. I’ve only had froyo once, and it was plain with sprinkles on top. And it was nasty. Last weekend, I found out that a mall near me is opening a PINKBERRY! Color me excited!

3. I’ve had a Kindle sitting in my shopping cart on Amazon for over a month now. I’m still undecided. (Convince me?)

4. Sometimes, I get consumed with thoughts of Dutch dying. I really don’t know how I’m going to handle it. He’s like an extension of me.

5. I am extremely worried that I’ll still be working at my preschool months after I graduate. I don’t hate my job there, but I am most definitely ready for something new.

6. Yesterday, I found out the reason for my phone battery draining so quickly: Ubersocial, my Twitter app on my phone. I had it set to auto-refresh every minute and didn’t exactly see the little disclaimer that said setting auto-refresh for anything less than every 5 minutes with severely drain your battery. Uh…whoops?

7. I can’t bring myself to give away a baby doll I had since I was 7.

8. As much as I loved supporting her, the day of my mom’s marathon was the worst day of my life. I was running on no sleep or food and worried the entire time about her. Plus, it was cold and we were outside for 8+ hours. I’m so incredibly proud of her and loved being in that environment, but next time, I’m doing things a lot differently.

9. I could never have another drop of alcohol and I would be absolutely fine. The same can not be said about soda.

10. I’ve never gotten anything aside from a Frappuccino from Starbucks. I don’t drink coffee on a regular basis, and it’s always more of a treat when I end up getting something from there. Fraps taste like a coffee milkshake!

11. I’m finding running 100% more enjoyable now that I’m running for fun, and not for a ridiculous goal.

12. In September, I had my running gait analyzed and found out I’m a bad overpronater. So I bought stability shoes and now I think I’m supinating, due to the way the bottom of my shoes have worn away. My feet are weird.

13. I’m currently playing 13 Words With Friends games. I’m a bit addicted. (Add me? Username is stephanywrites and I promise I’m an easy opponent. Heh.)

14. I haven’t been to the movies since May, when I saw Letters to Juliet.

15. There are 66 days until my cruise but it’s hard to get excited about it when I’m caught up in another semester of school. But after graduation? Oh, it’s on!

What are some of your confessions today?

Dealing With Anxiety, Pt. 2

Towards the end of January, I posted the first part of this series. Basically, I talked about the little things that were happening in my life that made me believe I was dealing with One Big Problem. Since then, I’ve been very hesitant to continue with this series. I’ve never been diagnosed and most of what I believe about myself regarding anxiety is from what I’m reading on websites. Some days, I feel as if I’m dealing with anxiety and need to seek help to conquer it…and other days, I feel as if I’m only dealing with a severe case of introvertedness. (<—not a word.)

But the fact remains that there’s something going on. And I need to figure out what it is before it consumes my entire life.

After searching for a while, I fell on this website. Every scenario outlined, I found myself nodding my head to and agreeing with. Yes, that’s me. Yes, exactly. Yes, I know that feeling. At that point, it seemed as if it was all coming together. I had a name: Social Anxiety Disorder. Better than a name, I had a reason for the way I was. This wasn’t something I needed to get over and grow up from. This was the way my mind is programmed. There is a reason behind my weirdness. But as much as I nodded my head and agreed, as I continued reading, my stomach began to churn. I began to question if this was really me. Is this the person I’ve become? So afraid of my environment, so fearful of being judged? This can’t be me! I lead a pretty full life of college and work and hanging out with my… mom.

I borrowed a book from the library last month about Social Anxiety. And while some parts made me tear up that finally, someone is talking about all those things I’ve dealt with, there were parts that didn’t seem to completely fit me. But then again, maybe they do.

Many Social Anxiety sufferers can’t hold a job. I can, but I struggle with taking initiative, fearful of stepping on toes or having someone tell me I’m doing it the wrong way.

Many Social Anxiety sufferers can’t go out to social scenes. I do, but I am very careful to create an environment where I am comfortable. I will take a friend or my mom along. If all else fails, I will sit in a corner, trying to look busy on my phone, making sure I send off enough danger vibes to keep everyone away.

Many Social Anxiety sufferers develop a fear of intimacy. I can agree wholeheartedly with this statement. I shy away from any guy who tries to show me attention. I’ve never had a typical guy-girl relationship. While I know so many people who are afraid to be alone, I worry I’m this strange girl who actually fears being with someone. There are days I long to have a partner in life and days when I think life is just easier solo.

Many Social Anxiety sufferers have a fear of public embarrassment. This is actually a pretty normal fear, especially stage fright, and it’s never been enough to take over my life. I’ve made speeches to classes and even did student teaching, where I was constantly judged by more experienced teachers. Maybe it’s completely normal, but I find myself start blushing, grow hot, and feel shaky whenever I’m put on the spot. I seem to forget my entire vocabulary and lose trains of thoughts justlikethat. Whenever I was student teaching, I was constantly stumbling over words and leaving long pauses when I knew my teachers were watching me. I feel like this is a normal reaction, though, so it’s never been something I’ve worried too much about. But maybe there’s more to this than I realized.

And there are other symptoms I deal with:

• Avoiding plans with friends because I’m worried about how they will judge me or laugh at me, for silly things I might say.
• Feeling as if my heart is going to beat out of my chest when I have to call someone, even if it’s just a simple call to my grandparents.
• Not being able to successfully live on campus by myself. I came home every weekend, and ended up moving back after my freshman year. I didn’t like the social atmosphere and found it extremely hard to make friends.

While I don’t feel as if I have an extreme case of Social Anxiety, there is something going on. It could end up being an extreme case of being an introvert. I honestly don’t know. But as I read up on it, it becomes apparent that all these things I thought just added to my weirdness, are actually symptoms of Social Anxiety. It just feels nice to put a name to it all.