Intentions, the 2.12 edition

I gave myself four goals for January. One was my big goal for Twelve Changes and the other three were smaller goals to work towards. A recap on how I did:

January Goals - Recapped:

• Drink less soda, more water. I’m not where I had hoped to be by the end of January, but I’m in a much better place than I was a month ago. I never buy it at the store to have at home and can only remember two instances (for the entire month) that I had it at work. For me, this is major progress. I would only have it when I went out to eat, although there were quite a few times I would stick with water. I’m not saying I went into this thinking I wouldn’t make it to where I hoped to be, but I knew this would require more than a month to “get”. But I’m moving more steps forward than back and I can’t see myself backsliding now.
• Set up an exercise calendar and stick to it. I consider this a major WIN. I’m already doing great with my exercise (a post about this is in the works!) and I think I’m doing well with keeping my workouts varied. Usually, I go for a run three times a week (using Jeff Galloway’s method) and then another 2-3 times a week, I’m at the gym doing some form of cardio (usually the stationary bike), the rowing machine, and then 20 minutes of strength training. I want to keep up an exercise calendar because it’s a good way to see my progress throughout the month and keep me motivated.
• Turn off all electronics by 9:30pm. Ehh? I wasn’t all that focused on this goal, to be honest. I have been better lately about getting to bed at a decent hour (read: before 10pm) which happens some nights and doesn’t on other nights. Still, I want to get better at this. Ideally, I want to start my bedtime routine (including quiet time!) at 8:30. I’m taking baby steps to get there.
• Set up all doctor appointments. Let’s see, the grand total of doctor appointments I set up this month? A big, fat zero. I had big plans to at least make an appointment with a general physician but that didn’t happen. Right now, my company has been trying to find a new insurance so I’m waiting in limbo until this is decided on.

My February Change: Tracking

I had a few options in mind for my February goal. I wanted to take the easy route, if I’m going to be honest. Stick with budget or getting into a better bedtime groove. But I knew I wanted to focus the beginning part of this year on my health. When I stop and think, put the fears behind me and focus on what I want to get out of 2012, I knew there was only one option: tracking.

One of the biggest cornerstones of healthy living is knowing what you’re putting in your mouth. Tracking every single morsel of food you eat. I don’t think I’ve ever been in the habit of doing this and I can tell the weeks I am consistent with my tracking, I feel more in control, more stable, and my weight drops. When I don’t, I spend my week feeling guilty and filled with thoughts that I will never get to my goal. Isn’t it funny how we do things to ourselves that don’t make us feel good? But feelings of guilt are so normal for me that they feel more comfortable than the good feelings. And therein lies the kicker. Guilt, fear, out of control. Those are terrible feelings. But those are the feelings I am more comfortable with. They are the ones I can wrap my arms around and hug close to my chest, because they have been there for me*.

This month, it’s about tracking what I eat. I have a handy app on my iPhone where I can quickly input my food daily and know where I stand with my daily, weekly, and exercise points. (It even reminds me to track my breakfast lunch, and dinner!) I know I can make this a habit, as long as I stop giving myself leeway when I don’t know the points value of a food or I overindulge at a meal. And I want to start seeing me use less and less of my weekly points because I tend to use them all up, and then start needing to use exercise points (which I don’t like to touch).

Three Smaller Goals

• Continue limiting soda. I’m doing much better at this goal, but I’m still not where I want to be. My ideal is to not drink any caffeinated soda and stick to light-colored liquids like Sprite when I do. My focus right now is to get to where I’m only having it when I go out to eat. I want to try to count up how many times I have it during the month and continue knocking down that number every month.
• Start making to-do lists. I can be very unmotivated to do much at home. Yes, I’m twenty-four and my mom still does most of the cleaning in our apartment. That’s ridiculous. Every Sunday night, I want to make a to-do list for the week to keep me from being the lazy slob I tend to be.
• Budget! Oh, money. I have no concept of what it means to save. Seriously. I need to get smarter about this. My goal for this month is to start using a budgeting spreadsheet (any recs?) and begin to save. I think if I get smarter about knowing where exactly my money is going and stop spending money willy-nilly, I will start feeling much more in control of my finances.

*That paragraph? I didn’t expect to write that. I just got to writing and the words came out. These words. I’ve been struggling to find these words for the longest time, to explain why I have gotten to this place of being overweight and overeating. There’s always a “why” and it isn’t because you just like food. I finally have the answer to the root of the problem. There is a freeing, overwhelming feeling in that. I’m going to go cry now. I have waited so long to find these words.

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The winner to my giveaway of Night Swim is AMBER! Amber, I have your address and I’ll be sending it off today so be on the lookout for the book!

Goals for 2012

New Year’s Resolutions get a bad rap, I think. People either hate the word or the feeling of “Hey, new year, new me!” I don’t look at resolutions/goals that way. I have made New Year’s Resolutions for the past few years and it always fills me with such hope and excitement to spend the last part of the last month of the year envisioning what I want out of the coming year. I know I won’t attain each and every one of them but I do know I will try my best each and every month. I also think people don’t set attainable resolutions or stick with them throughout the year, because they get discouraged so easily by doing too much too soon. I’m a big goal-oriented person and I think of resolutions as long-term, yearly goals. And as my good friend, Melissa, pointed out in a comment, it’s not realistic to make every goal you set for yourself. The fun part about making goals/resolutions is trying to achieve them but learning a whole lot about yourself in the process.

Without further ado, here are my 2012 Resolutions (or Goals, if you prefer). I have a lot and they’re all broken into categories. I know I won’t achieve them all, but I’m going to have a grand time trying! 

Health and Fitness

> Get to my happy weight (ideally 115 lbs) 
> Run an entire 5K in under 36 minutes
> Exercise 4-5 times a week 
> End my addiction to soda 
> Get up-to-date on all doctor visits 
> Give blood at least 3 times 
> Run the Turkey Trot 10K in November

Money

> Pay off all credit card debt
> Try as best I can to never keep a balance from month-to-month on my two credit cards 
> Pay off my ER visit bill 
> Set aside 5% of every paycheck into my savings account

Blog/Social Media

> Switch Stephany Writes to self-hosted Wordpress, with a brand-new design
> Take one break from all media a month, whether it be for a day, a weekend, or a week
> Have a weekend away with special blogging friends

Writing/Reading

> Write and edit a novel 
> Read one non-fiction book a month
> Read 75 books

Other

> Fly on an airplane 
> Fully immerse myself in the online dating world 
> Find my faith again
> Join a book club, Bible study, or some type of social group

Do you set resolutions or goals for the coming year?

source: x, x, x, x, x, x

2012: One Word

Last year in December, I participated, off and on, with some Reverb ‘10 prompts. My favorite prompt was the first one which had me think of a word to describe 2010 and think of another one to describe what I wanted my 2011 to resemble.

For 2011, I chose the word risk. I wanted to step outside my comfort zone and into waters I don’t normally venture to. I’m not sure risk is the right word to describe this year. While I took some risks for sure, I think a better word to describe this year is change. My life has changed drastically over the past twelve months. I can’t even remember what 2010 Stephany was like.

2011 was about growing up and maturing. Graduating from college, securing my first post-college job, growing into my skin a little more. I started to realize that I’m ultimately responsible for my own happiness, but also that it’s OK to be sad and let your emotions get the better of you. I learned that it’s OK to be human.

I began to take notice of my anxiety issues and realize that these things I feel are not normal behavior. I’ve spent the past couple of years telling myself this is just a part of who I am. I’m just a worrywart. I would have to deal with that. But I’m beginning to see and understand that I don’t have to live in this constant cycle of fear. Living without it, or even learning better coping skills when the anxiety attacks hit, is a possibility.

I missed my dad a lot this year. The anger is leaving and in it’s place is a broken heart. I’m sad that he’s missing out on a wonderful relationship we could have had. While the hurt and emotional beatings he gave to me are still in my heart, I can’t help but reminisce on the good times we had. Because when he was in a good mood, it was real good. He was funny and charming and sweet and everything a girl would want out of her father. I miss that. He shattered my heart when he walked out of my life willingly and I think he’s the only one who can pick up the pieces and put it back together.

I began to appreciate myself more this year. I took notice of my strengths and began to realize what I imagined were weaknesses were actually strengths that the world had told me were weaknesses. Being an introvert isn’t a weakness. It’s just who I am.

I also began to question a lot of things. Faith. Family. Career ambitions. How to achieve my best life possible. I discovered I’m not all that interested in leading a life that looks like everyone else’s. I only have one life to live and I want to live it well.

I stalled on my attempts to get to a healthy weight but exercised consistently and tried my hardest to eat well when I could. I started to make healthier decisions, even when they were hard. I may not have gotten to where I wanted to be, but I never gave up. And I won’t.

I’ve been thinking on my word for 2012 for a while now. I had to decide what I wanted out of this upcoming year. I had to visualize December 2012 Stephany: what did she look like? How did she feel? What are the immediate emotions that emanate from my body as I look in on her?

My word for 2012 is health.

Physical health - I want to work on my eating and exercise habits. While I exercise consistently, I know I need to ramp up the intensity and length of my workouts. I tend to play it safe with my workouts, especially lately. Most importantly, I want to learn to eat a more healthy diet. Consistently. I find myself doing well with my eating habits for a few weeks on, a few weeks off. No more.

Emotional health - For the longest time, I have felt this incessant need to be happy. Being sad or depressed or upset has no room in my life, I thought, and would do everything in my power to make sure others around me were happy. By doing this, I shove all my other emotions deep down inside and refuse to deal with them. In 2012, I want to let go of this incessant need. I want to let myself be sad or upset for however long I need to. I want it to be OK to cry. To be OK to feel sad. To be OK to want to throw things across the room.

Mental health - Most specifically, learning to control my anxiety and panic attacks that ensue. It has only been recently that I’ve been able to put a name to this constant cycle of worry I have in my life and while I haven’t gotten an official diagnosis yet, I do know the way I have been living is not normal worrywart behavior. In 2012, I am finally taking care of my mental health by attending therapy. This means I may need to switch some things around to afford it (at the very least, it will require a $50 copay) but I know I need to seek help and stop putting my mental health on hold.

Health. No, it’s not an exciting word like CHALLENGE or RISK. It’s a boring word. But it holds so much meaning and power in my life, because I have never put my health first. I’ve been more concerned with other aspects of my life that it falls to the backburner and shows in the way I have lived the past few years of my life. In 2012, health comes first. Physical, emotional, and mental.

What word would you choose to describe 2011? What word do you want to describe 2012?