Letters to My Future Husband: The Woman You’re Marrying

My future husband,

I can’t wait to meet you. Some days, I grow so impatient and lonely as the days stretch out before me without a partner by my side. Other days, I’m happy with where I am, happy to be single and to prepare the best me I can be before we meet.

But today, specifically, I want to talk about me. About this woman you’re going to marry. Because I’ve lived for most of my twenty-three years thinking I would never feel worthy of your love, thinking there would never be a guy out there who would deem me so incredible, that he would want to spend the rest of his life with me.

But gosh darnit, there is. You are him. My stomach releases a flurry of butterflies every time I think about you, about our wedding day, about our married life.

Today, as I write to you, I am 23 years old. I am a new college graduate and applying my little heart out to any and every job I can find. I am bursting at the seams to begin my life, to stop using my shyness, young looks, and penchant to be busy as an excuse to hide from the real world. I am establishing my independence in small ways that will lead to bigger change and I am days away from leaving United States soil for the very first time.

I love reading and it was reason for embarrassment growing up. Other girls liked having sleepovers and long chats on the phone. I liked curling up with a good book and using my Saturday mornings as my time to peruse the tall stacks of books at the library, selecting the best ones for me. I always thought my love for reading would diminish as I grew and developed other hobbies, but it hasn’t. Instead, this love burns the deepest in me and I don’t think it will ever be extinguished.

I’m most content when I am comfortable with myself: with what I’m wearing, with how I’m acting, with who I am with. I’m not the girl that needs to be dressed to the nines every single day, although it’s always nice to dress up when the occasion calls for it. And I’m not the girl who constantly needs to be surrounded by people. I’m the girl who will sit by your side during a football game, yelling and cheering at the top of my lungs. I’m the girl who loves food and eating, even if it does mean I’ll never be model-thin. I’m the girl who cherishes long talks and the silence. The girl who loves to laugh and uses sarcasm as a second language.

I’m non-confrontational and generally shy away from arguments. I’m working on it, because it means sometimes I let people walk all over me. I’m learning to stand up for myself and the people I love.

I’m still very shy when talking to the opposite sex, as evidenced by my “talks” with the man I labeled Cute Apartment Guy. It’s hard for me to open up to strangers and even harder when said stranger is cute. This means I have no idea how we’ll meet, what your first impression of me will be, and that I’m constantly worried I’m going to screw up our happy ending.

I know I have a lot of work to do on me. On not shutting down and remaining quiet when things bug me. On going after what I want, full speed ahead. On understanding where my passions lie. On repairing my relationship with God. On establishing independence. On tackling all those things I’ve set aside while trying to graduate. On becoming the best wife to you as I can possibly be.

At 23, I still have a lot of growth to do, a lot of life left to discover. Some days, I wish you were by my side and we were going through these things together. But ultimately, I know this is what is best. I’m content in my singleness for now, because I know it’s not forever.

I can’t wait to meet you.

Your Future Wife

On Why I'm Choosing to Wait

I was recently personally attacked by someone I care deeply about on my decision to wait until I was married to live with my spouse and have sex with them. While I do feel like this is an unusual choice this day and age (even amongst the Christian sector), I don't understand why someone would get offended by my choice.

This is my personal decision. I'm not saying that I think everyone has to live this way, or that you're a bad person by living with your girlfriend or boyfriend before marriage. In fact, I am envious that you have found someone you love so much, you want to be with them 24/7. Finding love is not always easy, and staying in love can be even harder.

I don't believe that you don't truly know someone before you live with them. While yes, living with someone is completely different than going on dates or sharing a hotel room for a weekend, all you are learning is surface things. You're learning how they are a neat freak or OCD about keeping lights turned off when a room isn't being used. You're learning that they keep their toothbrush by the sink, instead of hanging in the specified toothbrush holder. You learn that they don't think making their bed or keeping up with the laundry is their top priority, but making sure every bill is paid on time. You learn that they like the snooze button in the morning or jump right out of bed. You learn if your partner is a morning person or a night person. Learning these things shouldn't make you fall out of love with your spouse. If it does, your love probably wasn't strong enough to begin with.

I think there's something to be said about having a romantic relationship where sex and kissing isn't the center of the relationship. You learn how to be a friend first, a lover second. You learn how to be romantic without a kiss. You get to know the person's heart in a deeper, more intimate fashion. In some ways, knowing a person's heart can be more intimate and require more trust than the physical aspect of love.

I'm waiting for my wedding day to share my first kiss with my future husband. I'm waiting for my wedding night to give him my virginity. And I will wait until we are one to share a home with him. It's a personal decision, something I have thought long and hard about. It feels right to me. Choosing to live with your girlfriend or boyfriend before marriage doesn't make you a bad person in my eyes. It just means you are choosing a different path to your love story.

When God Writes Your Love Story

I was in high school when the book I Kissed Dating Good-Bye by Joshua Harris. I was at a point in my life where I was confused about faith and more interested in worldly ideals than ones centered around God. I was boy crazy and wanted to date boys the way everyone else was! Not dating? How do you even find your life partner that way? What a crazy way to think!

But my dating life never seemed to quite pan out the way it does in books and movies. I had crushes but was too shy to do anything about them. For the most part, even talking to a guy was hard for me, much less someone I found attractive. I remained single for most of high school, save for a short relationship that really wasn't much of a relationship at all.

All along, I think I had a longing in me for a different type of love story. A love story you don't find in modern romance novels or chick flicks. One where the guy is handsome and chivalrous and finds me completely delightful, foibles and all. A story about courtship, not dating. This is when I realized I should've been born in the 1800's because it's nearly impossible to find a love story like that anymore.

Nowadays we're more concerned with someone we're completely compatible with, inside the bed and out. We want sex, excitement, and intrigue. Who cares if he opens the door for you, as long as he's carrying a condom in his wallet? We go to bars and sign up for dating services to find Mr. Right Now. And when we do end up biting the bullet and getting married, we spend more time trashing our husbands and talking down about them than we do actually enjoying the moment. It just sickens me when I hear the way some wives and husbands talk about their mates. Don't they realize what a precious gift they've been given, a gift of love?

I know all relationships have their struggles and I'm not naive to believe that when I do find Mr. Right, he's going to be a perfect specimen of man who can do no wrong, cooks me dinner every night, and we never have a fight. I can be a very confrontational person when I feel like it. I can be moody and restless. I'm not always the easiest person to live with. But I've got to believe there's more to love than what I'm seeing. I have to. Otherwise, I'll be content to stay single forever.

A while ago, I placed my love story in the hands of my Heavenly Father. I let go of the pen, let go of all the things I think I want, and gave it up to the One who is going to carve out a love story unlike any other. It's a relief to think that I don't have to do all the work. I don't have to join a dating site or track down every handsome guy I meet for their number. I'm going to let God have his way with this.

I know it's not the most popular way to think and sometimes, it may seem a little kooky and outdated. But I'm not one for going with the popular vote. (I mean, I like Obama!) I want to eek out everything I can get out of love, not limiting myself to what the world thinks I need. To some, I may look like a train wreck. I'm not dating, have never had an active dating life, and don't see fit to immerse myself in that culture. I may be 35 before I meet him, but when I do, the love story will be so amazing, it's going to bring tears to even the most hard of hearts. I believe that.

I'm currently reading a book by the amazing husband-wife team of Eric and Leslie Ludy. Leslie's book Authentic Beauty changed my life. I read it at the lowest point of my life where I was grasping onto God's hand just to get me through the day. The book is about extreme Christianity and how awesome our love story with God can be, if we just give in to it. I'm not totally sold on everything in this book, mainly because it gets very extreme at times. But still, it's a great book and a completely different perspective on our relationship with God. After reading Authentic Beauty, I read When Dreams Come True: A Love Story Only God Could Write which was my first foray in what a God-written love story looks like. Believe me, their story is amazing and this book completely transformed my thinking in what a relationship has to look like.

Back to the book I'm reading now, which is When God Writes Your Love Story. I'm only a few chapters in but the book has captivated my heart. It is classic Ludy-style, written in a way that grabs your attention quickly and keeps it for the duration. It makes me feel a little less kooky about the way I have chosen to go about finding my future husband. I feel a kindred spirit with them, as if somehow I've already become a part of their family. (In a strictly non-stalker type of way.)

I plan on blogging while I read through this book, something I wish I had done while reading Authentic Beauty. I know it's going to change the way I view God and romance.

I don't know if I can ever fully convey the awesome wonder of what it was like to have a God-written love story. During my entire romance with Eric, I was so aware of the fact that it was God who was leading each step, guiding each conversation, painting each sunset, and standing over us with a smile. The cheap, imitation romance I'd known before simply could not be compared to this new kind of love I had discovered. I was daily amazed that I had come from a place of heartbreak, confusion, and compromise in relationships, to a dream come true. I had discovered a kind of divine love that can't even be found in fairy tales, simply by giving God the pen of my life's story and allowing Him to write each chapter. --Leslie Ludy, When God Writes Your Love Story

Trivial Points

Last week, I blogged about my non-negotiables for my future husband, things I'm not willing to compromise on. And I read through my comments and Chelsea made a really good point that made me change my mind about one of my NN. Click here to find out what it was and what I changed it to! (How's that for a teaser!)

Today, I want to talk about my trivial points. These are things that I would like my future husband to have, but if he doesn't, it's not a big deal. I'm willing to compromise with these.

Trivial Point #1: I want my future husband to like football.
Last week, this was a Non-Negotiable. But then Chelsea commented about how her husband didn't share her extreme love for baseball but has seen how important the sport is for her so he has attempted to get more involved with the sport. And I totally see her point, which is why I changed this one. While I do want my husband to like football, if he can at least understand why I like it and maybe even attempt to get into the sport as well, then that's all I can ask for. And if he does like baseball, so be it. I'll learn to like it, too!

Trivial Point #2: I want my future husband to love cooking.
I am not a cook. I don't like it and I'm not very good at it. I hate standing on my feet for too long, hate chopping up vegetables, and hate the pressure of making sure my meat is cooked thoroughly. My dad was a cook. He loved it and he was good at it. I want my husband to like to cook, just so I don't have to. But, hey, if he doesn't, it just means we'll be eating out a lot! And I love eating out!

Trivial Point #3: I want my future husband to be a dog lover.
I love dogs. I'm seriously 100%, head over heels for my dog. He's adorable, cuddly, and a great friend. And I want to have dogs. A lot of them. Big dogs, small dogs, rough dogs, and princess dogs. I am a dog person, through and through. It would be tough being with someone who doesn't love dogs. I may or may not look down upon those who don't like dogs. If he's a cat person (are there any men who are really "cat people", though? Serious question here.), then I'll deal. I have nothing against cats. I've never owned one so I'm not sure how I really feel about them. They are quite the cuddlers, it seems. And much easier to take care of!

Trivial Point #4: I want my future husband to be athletic.
I am very slowly trying to become more fit. I have lived such a sedentary lifestyle for so long that it would be nice to be with someone who likes to run, go for bike rides, and keep in shape. It's not a big deal if he isn't, because I don't think I'll ever live the life of a marathon runner or someone who works out for hours every day. But it would be nice to have an active lifestyle with my future husband.

Trivial Point #5: I want my future husband to be a homebody.
I am a homebody to the max. I don't mind staying inside on a Friday night, relaxing and playing games. I'm not a big fan of the club/bar scene. I want my future husband to be the same, someone who likes cuddling on the couch, watching movies and playing games, as opposed to hitting the night scene. But if I do have a husband who is more into socializing, I think it's a good thing. I do need to get out more and stop living life so small. Having a husband who likes being social might be good for me.

Just five trivial points, although I'm pretty sure I could think of more! But those are things that I would love to see in my future husband, although if I don't, it's not a deal breaker. Believe me, having a strong Christian husband is much more important to me than a dog lover!

Non-Negotiables

About a year ago, one of my favorite authors, Erynn Mangum, wrote a series on future husbands. She is someone I highly admire as a writer, as a Christian, and as a person. I love anything to do with talking about future husbands and one of the points she hit on was what we want in a husband.

I could make a list of 25 things I want in my future husband. I can be very picky and especially picky when choosing the man I'm going to be spending the rest of my life with! But Erynn talked about having two lists: Non-Negotiables and Trivial Points.

Non-Negotiables are things you want in your future husband and things you won't compromise on. Trivial points are qualities you would like your future husband to have but are willing to compromise on. Today, I'm listing my Non-Negotiables in my future husband:

My future husband must be involved in a deep, committed relationship with Jesus Christ. I want a man who challenges me to dig deeper into my faith and makes me a better Christian. I don't want a guy who is lukewarm in his faith but someone so on fire for Jesus, it inspires me. I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a pastor's wife but I do want a guy who has a relationship with Jesus Christ and knows Him intimately.

My future husband must make me laugh. I'm a girl who loves to laugh. And I love to be around funny people. I've been told I'm quite witty and about 75% of my conversation with people is sarcasm. I need a guy with a great sense of humor who never fails to find the funny in situations. I need a guy who laughs at funny commercials and watches stupid comedy movies with me. And I want a guy who can easily make me laugh.

My future husband must not smoke or drink. I hope I'm not offending anyone by saying how much I despise smoking. I think it's a disgusting habit and I don't know how anyone my age could even start, with the way the schools jammed down the fact of how bad smoking is for you growing up. And I can't marry a smoker. It disgusts me. And I also don't want someone who is a big drinker. I'm not talking about having wine with dinner or a drink while we're out to eat, but someone who likes getting drunk and acting like a college frat boy? So not my cup of tea! I've never been drunk, never want to be drunk, and don't see the point of getting drunk. And I won't marry someone who views this behavior as acceptable.

My future husband must be a family man. While it would be ideal that my future husband has an awesome mother, a funny father, and a sister that become my new BFF...it isn't that important to me. I do want to have a good relationship with my in-laws because I think it makes life a whole lot easier but that's more of a Trivial Point. I want my future husband to want to have a family. Right now, I'm leaning towards having four kids. (But let's see how I feel after I have my first!) I want kids most definitely. And I want us to be a family where our kids come first, not our jobs. I see way too many workaholics that don't have time to be with their kids and I don't want it to be that way with us. I want us to be a soccer family, go on vacations together, and have dinner together every night.

So there's my life of Non-Negotiables for my future husband. Four things I am seeking in my future mate and things I'm not willing to compromise on. Next week will be a lighter post with the Trivial Points that are important to me but not that important that I can't compromise on them.

You tell me: What are you looking for in your future husband? If you're married, did you have any sort of list of what you were seeking in your future husband? (Or wife, for the two guys who read my blog...)

In Love With My Future Husband

A week ago, Nanny commented on my Beautiful Blogger post, confused about one of my facts. The fact was this: "I think about my future husband every day. I'm so incredibly in love of the idea of him. And I can't wait to meet him!"

Nanny asked me: What do you think about him every day? And how can you be in love with the idea of him if you haven't met him?

I think it's a perfectly normal question and I'm sure it came across a little kooky for some people. So I want to explain. Because my future husband and marriage and waiting is something I am so passionate about. I want to shout it out across the rooftops how precious and beautiful waiting for your future husband can be.

I want to start with saying that I'm a virgin. And I've never been kissed. I know. It's pretty strange for a 22-year-old. And I think it's only by the grace of God that I've never given myself completely away because I have not followed God for twenty-two years. I have fallen into the trap of becoming like the world and wanting to be doing what "everyone else is doing." But God definitely saved me from falling too deeply into sin.

I have believed, since I was a little girl, that I was designed for one man only. God created one man for the purpose of becoming my husband. If you think about it, that's a pretty awesome concept! There's a guy out there who I am going to know in the most intimate, deepest way possible and I have no idea who he is yet!

Gosh. There is so much I think about with him. I think about what he's doing now: is he in college, is he graduated, did he even go to college, is he studying abroad, is he doing missionary work, is he in prison, is he on the streets, is he living the normal, party college life, or is he a worship leader for his church? I think about whether or not he's found Jesus yet. I think about how many gitls he's kissed or even had sex with. I think about our life together someday, where we'll live, and what it will be like. I think about our wedding day: will it be in a church, on the beach, at a ballroom. I want to know what kind of father he'll be to our kids and what kind of supportive husband he'll be during my labor(s). I want to know what kind of sense of humor he'll have. I want to know how much he loves football. I want to know if he's just cruising through life, like I am, or living it to the fullest. I want to know how he treats his friends, his siblings, and his mother. I want to know what his dreams and hopes are. I want to know if he thinks about me.

And as I think about all of this, I can't help but get a little giddy. I hesitate to write this but I'm going to: I have a passionate love for my future husband. I have a passionate desire to know him, to be with him, and to remain pure for him. I may not know who he is or what he looks like, but I love him. And I love the fact that we don't know each other yet. We haven't even begun our love story. We haven't even met. But one day, I will know him on the deepest, most intimate way possible. And I can't wait for God to bring us together.

I want to end this blog post with a quote from a book that touched me deeply and helped me examine my feelings about living pure for my future husband. The book is called When Dreams Come True by Eric and Leslie Ludy and in the book, they talk about their love story between each other, but more importantly, their love stories with God. It's a beautiful, powerful book.

"Faithfulness to my future husband had come to mean so much more than simply saving my virginity for him. I had made a decision that no matter how many mistakes I had made in the past, from now on I would set myself aside in complete purity and true faithfulness for the man I would one day marry. I wanted to guard my heart, my emotions, everything."

On Purity

I've stuggled with writing this blog post and this is probably the third or fourth time I've tried to write this. But after reading two blog posts related, in a way, to this on Steph's blog, I really felt God laying this on my heart.

I don't want this to come off as judgmental to anyone who doesn't agree with my views. If you don't, that's alright. But this is what I believe about what purity is - and what purity isn't.

Purity isn't saving your virginity for marriage. That's a personal decision. And plenty of people make this decision, based on morals, religion, and choice. I feel that saving oneself for marriage has become a game for some people. A game of how far can I go to do everything but lose my virginity?

That's not purity.

Purity involves more than just the physical body. It involves the emotions and mental processes as well. What you put in your mind is probably the most important aspect of purity, more so than what you do with your body. I have seen this so much in my own life. When I read secular novels glorifying casual sex and worldly possessions, watch television shows and movies with racy humor, and listen to music with messages of one-night stands and partying, it becomes so much harder for me to remain pure. I stop reading my Bible as much, rely on myself more than God, and my mind begins to accept these actions as OK.

And it's not.

Purity means being pure in body, mind, and spirit. It's not an easy process and not something I have mastered. But I have found that to be pure, we have to live pure. It means getting rid of books and music and TV shows that glorify impure behavior. It means to set ourselves apart from the world. It means to stop compromising and looking for gray areas.

I'm so sick of living a mediocre life. And I don't want to have a mediocre relationship with God. All too often, I see people (and I'm also guilty for doing the same) putting God in a box and not fully living the free life He designed for us. We don't realize how much more God desires for us. I want to be a girl who lives my life solely for God's approval and not for the world's. I want to be a girl whose life shines with Christ's light. I want to be the girl who has "it" - and I want that "it" to be Jesus Christ.